Saturday 18 January 2014

The Recovery Experiment

For most of my life, I had a goal. A simple one. To be skinny. Since I was a little girl, I have been insecure about my body and had really bad body image. When I moved to Canada, in 2005, that's when I was first introduced to what I thought was "healthy eating" and dieting. Being overweight as a child, I started dieting in order to cope with the changes that I could not control around me. I became very conscious about my food choices at parties, taking only what I thought to be "healthy" and not taking a large portion or seconds of anything. The first few months after I had moved here from India, I remember being very scared and feeling trapped and alone. I thought that no one understood how homesick I was and life was just plain miserable.

I first lost a lot of weight when I learnt how to swim, and swam religiously in our apartment pool every day in the summer of 2007. That's when I first discovered that weight loss is possible if you increase your physical activity, and decrease your food intake. I started exercising in Gr. 8 when gym was no longer a time to have fun, rather, an opportunity to lose weight. I had a "best friend", and I put that in quotations, because looking back now, I know that she was not a friend, based on the way she treated me. After being called fat by several other classmates, I decided that the only way I'd be popular, smart, and get at least one guy talking to me and acknowledge me as the pretty, smart, talented girl I longed to be, was to lose weight. Gr. 8 is where I first started exercising solely for the purpose of weight loss.

I continued to take gym my first two years of high school. That's when I discovered how much I loved long distance running. I was not a very good runner in elementary schools, and I recall many embarrassing memories of gym class in India, where I was bullied by my teachers, as well as other classmates, because I couldn't run a particular distance within a certain time. I also remember being a very scared child who was traumatized by the rowdy older Indian children who pushed, shoved and ran around the playground like wild animals. So, when I rediscovered something that I've never been good at, I was determined to be amazing at it.

It started innocently enough. It would be 5 laps up and down the soccer field, everyday, that soon turned into 10. I started compulsively exercising when I was in Gr. 11. Rain, Hail or snow, you'd find me running laps in the park everyday after school. Then the rules started... rules such as, you could only eat after you exercised. Or, you HAVE to run everyday, no matter what. Then, when I went to Gr. 12, thats when it got out of control. I dropped 10 pounds during that year in order to get ready for prom. I had bought my dress in April, but by the time May came around, it was loose for me. I still remember the thrill I felt when my mum had to sew it up a bit to make sure it stayed on. Finally, it seemed as though a dream that felt miles away, was coming closer and closer. I remember my Prom, and what actually stuck with me, and made me the happiest girl in the world, was that it was the first time my mum called me beautiful. Every core belief I had was reinforced in that simple statement. As she said it, I immediately felt that being thinner than I was, and looking a certain way, I would get love and have people notice me.

As graduation loomed ahead, as well as the stress of final exams, and university, I continued to exercise and lose weight. By the end of the summer, I was biking and running everyday, twice a day,  ardently. My family went on a trip to Prince Edward Island that summer, and I remember eating only salads, and exercising during the trip as well.

September loomed ahead, and before I knew it, I was in university. That's when all hell broke loose. Included with my admission, was a gym membership. That's when I discovered the treadmill, and the addictive numbers that I always wanted to beat. The calories burned was always important, as well as the distance I ran. It got to the point where I used to run half marathons each day, everyday, and then go on those biking machines. By then, I was already also doing planks, sit ups, and wall sits to strengthen and tone my muscles. It became an addictive game to play. It was about running for that extra mile, or biking for those extra minutes. I pushed myself physically, while severely restricting my caloric intake. With all the stress of school, I became really anxious, depressed, and suicidal. I remember one incident of me crying in bed, and my mum coming up to me and saying "you have to go to school, so that you can be somebody when you grow up." I also remember thinking "I don't think I can live like this anymore." I self-harmed a lot during that year and continued exercising and restricting. I don't know how, but I passed all my courses that first semester.

By the end of December, my parents knew that there was a serious problem. I refused to eat if I didn't exercise, and once, after a really bad snowstorm where I was forced to stay home, I had a nervous breakdown. My parents rushed me to the emergency room of Rouge Valley Hospital, where they weighed me. I had then dropped down to 88 lbs. My parents spent the next few weeks desperately seeking the help they knew I needed.

By the middle of March, I was burnt out, and was forced to drop out of university. I had an assessment at Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga, and was admitted into their inpatient program on April 22nd, 2013. My health was in an abominable state then, and I was only 72 lbs. I completed  my inpatient stay in June, moved onto day hospital, and then transition when my weight was restored. In September, after a really long wait, I got to move back home (I was living with an aunt who lived close to the hospital), and got two jobs, and dove right back in to the reality that was my life. By the end of October, I knew that something was not going very well. I started to lose weight, which ended up snowballing into a relapse.

I knew that I didn't want it to turn as bad as it was the last time, so I went to Toronto General, and requested their help. I got an assessment with them, and was then put on the waiting list for their day hospital. On January, 6th, I started day hospital. This blog was created to record my findings about recovery. I have often seen a coping strategy that says to treat recovery as an experiment. As a science student, I find this very interesting. Knowing that I can relapse if I don't like the end result, and controlling weight is not an impossible feat, is a great comfort and coping mechanism to help me stay symptom free and on board with my meal plan!