Sunday 5 July 2015

What "Recovery From an Eating Disorder" Really Is



You may have heard so many of them; the success stories of "those" people who "once had eating problems" but are "all better now". You probably look at them in awe, confusion, anger, even jealousy and think "why can't that be me?" Something I have realized throughout this struggle is that having an eating disorder is not like having a cold or a fever. You don't get "cured" and move on with your life as if nothing happened.  The first really important thing to remember is that you can't "recover" from an eating disorder. Before you object to my negativity, I assure you, there's hope. Just allow me to explain myself.

Firstly, realizing the aforementioned statement was the most important and life changing moment in my recovery. I came to terms with the fact that my eating disorder would now be like a constant shadow, something that follows and stays with me everywhere I go. No matter how much I tried to deny or ignore it, it will and was always there, at least for me. At first, this thought and idea crippled me with despair. With realizing just what a huge part of me the eating disorder was taking away I was  deeply saddened and depressed. There was anger too...and lots of it. Anger at my parents, anger at the events of my childhood, and yes, anger at myself.  There was a lot of self loathing running through my mind. Thoughts such as "how could I have done this?" "I've screwed my life up" or "I hate my parents and everyone for not understanding my difficulties.." and mostly "I hate myself for getting this way."

So now we are at a point where I realized that this was a part of me. That Anna was akin to me, a constant presence situated deep in my head that manipulated my thoughts and actions. I have discovered that there are different degrees of recovery and that each person's journey is different and unique. A girl who was admitted into the inpatient program with me in 2013, now has gotten her life back to normal. She eats everything, completed school and seems to be having a good life. The period in Credit Valley for her was no doubt a dark time, and one that she will never forget. Often I found myself envying and comparing myself to her. After all, we both started on the same page.. how was it then that she could be "recovered" and I couldn't?

Another girl, who I met in program, and honestly the best friend I have ever had (lets call her Sharon), is on a different part in her recovery journey. Lets try a little imagery here: picture a long, dark hallway with doors on each side, and one door at the end of the hallway that leads out of the world of Anna. The girl who was admitted on the same day as me (lets call her Julie), has walked down this hallway and straight out the door. I can't guarantee that she wont venture back into the building, however, for now she has escaped. Sharon is in a different part in the hallway. She is halfway over to the exit, however, the glimmers of the various lights that escape from the side doors still tempt her. This has made her walk to the door at the end of the hall much slower. She is still drawn towards the false lights in each room, rather than the bright, natural sunshine that is outside the door at the end of the hall.

Sharon still struggles constantly wondering whether or not to enter into the safety and known world of artificial lights rather than venturing out into the sunlight where everything is uncertain and unknown. Sometimes she walks into these artificially lit rooms, but always has enough strength in her to step back out into the hallway and walk towards the sunlight.

So what does this metaphor mean exactly? It means that recovery is not something that happens. It is a constant struggle, an unending fight. There are times where we are drawn into the fake promises of a better life that Anna tricks us into thinking is in those side doors. Sometimes we enter those rooms and are distracted by the glamour of the illness into thinking that this is where we belong. Some girls choose to remain in those rooms rather than enter the sunlight. Others, leave the rooms, and the hallway never to look back again.

The most common thing that could happen to someone is what my friend Sharon has experienced, and what I am experiencing right now. Recovery is constant work, a constant struggle to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout the course of our lives, we have to work on keeping our goals in mind to avoid getting distracted by the lures of Anna and her false lights. Sometimes its making the choice to ignore the bright flashing lights going on all around us, and to just focus on the true light; the life that is real and the one where we are set free.

Many times we may even make it out into the sunlight, and then return back into the safety of what we know. That's ok too. It happens to everyone and everybody, not just people with eating disorders. Think about alcoholics, smokers, drug abusers who relapse. Give yourself the same amount of sympathy and compassion that you would them.

Know that recovery is always a work in progress. Also, it is something that is attainable, but perhaps not  in the way you imagined it would be. My advice to you is to take recovery in whatever form it comes. Even if you are still scared about eating certain foods, look at what you aren't scared of. Focus on what you CAN do rather than everything you can't. Take each victory over Anna, another step towards the sunlight, with enthusiasm and happiness. When we fall into temptation and go back to the illness, each time we must take something away from it. Learn what made us enter the side rooms and stray off our path. Knowing this, we can do our best to avoid these things in the future.

Lastly, the most important and critical truth that I will share with you about recovery, is that you don't have to walk down that hallway by yourself. You can hold the hand of a loved one, a friend, or even a promise of a better life. Lean on them and allow yourself to be led by them out of the darkness. This has been life changing in my experience. Anna wants you to walk the hallway alone as she knows you are easier to tempt when there is no one there. Don't let her use this fact to her advantage. Don't isolate yourself. Surround yourself with positive, loving, patient, compassionate people who care about you and want what's best for you. Sometimes it may be hard to lean on these people, however, it is essential to our recovery.Whether it be family, friends, therapists, other group members in a program we're in, we need them in our lives. Isolation from others is our undoing.

I hope this gives you a glimpse into the battle that you will face or are constantly facing each day of your life. It's not much different from the battle that most people face, that of choosing the difficult route to true happiness rather than shortcut our way to the illusion of it. It is a game; and we must take every victory and loss with a resilient will to continue playing. We must not let our slips determine our outcomes. No matter how long you have stayed in the hallway, there is always an escape. You have to be strong enough, brave enough, and smart enough to reach your goal. And no, I'm not saying its easy. I'm saying that when you step out into the sunlight, is just the beginning, a brand new wonderful world full of new hope and possibilities!


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