Wednesday 29 July 2015

Reaching a Healthy Weight

Health care professionals, therapists, and even myself, have constantly said that I need to get up to a certain "healthy weight." Whenever they said it, the idea was a foreign, unimaginable concept to me. To be honest, I didn't think that I would be able to do it. This is why I never actually prepared myself for when it would happen. However, like the promise of rain on a cloudy April day, here I am, at my "healthy weight."

WAIT WAIT WAIT... WHAT did I just say?! Yeah, I did it. I am officially now at my healthy weight. To answer the next question about what it feels like to be here, the first most prominent feeling is feeling like the scum of the earth. Anna going batshit inside telling me that instead of just being a loser, failure, or disappointment,  I  am now a fat loser, failure and disappointment.

Okay Anna, I hear you. You're mad. You're being a mean bitch because this time I didn't listen to you. You are making me feel like shit because you didn't get your way. You are a sore loser and don't know when it is time to throw down the towel. You are pissed that "Cassy" has taken at least, part of the control back from you.

Below Anna's anger however, I realize that "Cassy" is scared- terrified beyond words actually. What does this mean? Does this mean that my life will miraculously be okay? Does this mean that I can go back and do the things I used to do before I was sick? Can I go back to school? Get a job? Start a new life?

WHOA.. hold on there Cassy! Don't get ahead of yourself. These previous few questions just prove how much anxiety and fear can come from reaching ones healthy weight. It is easy for the mind to race constantly, catastrophising, fortune telling and guessing what might happen in the future.

Notice one thing. I'm constantly thinking ahead, mind racing with thoughts of what will be, rather than what is. I think this has been where I have strayed of the healthy course during my previous times of recovery. I have always thought that when I reached my healthy weight, I would be able to immediately resume all my day to day activities and get life back to "normal. "

However, this time I am aiming to be different. To start with, I am going to tell you openly and honestly exactly what I feel, right now, in this moment; scared, excited, shocked, and yes, even a teensy bit proud of myself for how far I've come.

It wasn't a joy ride getting here and I think it is important to take the time to acknowledge just how hard we all fight when dealing with any sort of mental illness. Thinking of a mental illness as you would a physical one might put your recovery into perspective. Certainly, you wouldn't expect a person just recovering from a major heart transplant, to suddenly go back the way they lived their "normal life"before surgery. You know that there is a long period of time after surgery in rehabilitation and learning to live with this new heart.

In this way, I think I am going to look at reaching my healthy weight, as surviving a major, life changing surgery. In many ways, recovering from an eating disorder is very much physical, as well as mental. I think that is where we have to give ourselves credit and appreciation for just how hard we're working to fight this every single day.  Its taking everything one step at a time and being patient. I'm not proud of it, however, I am an extremely impatient person and look for immediate self gratification rather than the long term. This is common with people who have eating disorder; dealing with the present moment and not having patience is too hard, so that is how Anna tricks us. Anna is immediate, self-gratifying in the moment yet destructive and ruinous in the long run. Sticking to our true selves and fighting through those uncomfortable, horrible feelings, and thoughts, might feel shitty right now, but rationally, we KNOW that getting better will help us have a better life.

Lastly, I would like to add that many would like to know "now what?" I suggest really looking into other areas of your life where you can get enjoyment and feel good about yourself. If you aren't in any therapy or self help groups, I highly recommend it. Therapy might seem scary, daunting, or even taboo at first, yet, it is the single most best and life changing thing you can possibly do for yourself.

Something to do right now, is to think of or make a goal of doing one thing that you can do, that you could't do when you were sick. It could be eating your favourite meal, spending time with the family, or even something as simple as talking to a friend, or as in my case, journaling and blogging about it. I really hope that my post today can help you gain insight into what you may be feeling at this point in you recovery. Stay strong and never give up the fight with ANNA... honestly, I never thought I could do it, and here I am. A survivor. And a fighter.

Monday 6 July 2015

Thalasso Bain Bébé Jumeaux - Twin Baby Bath

https://youtu.be/qY-d46-gPMI

This just filled me with a sense of awe and wonder!

Sunday 5 July 2015

What "Recovery From an Eating Disorder" Really Is



You may have heard so many of them; the success stories of "those" people who "once had eating problems" but are "all better now". You probably look at them in awe, confusion, anger, even jealousy and think "why can't that be me?" Something I have realized throughout this struggle is that having an eating disorder is not like having a cold or a fever. You don't get "cured" and move on with your life as if nothing happened.  The first really important thing to remember is that you can't "recover" from an eating disorder. Before you object to my negativity, I assure you, there's hope. Just allow me to explain myself.

Firstly, realizing the aforementioned statement was the most important and life changing moment in my recovery. I came to terms with the fact that my eating disorder would now be like a constant shadow, something that follows and stays with me everywhere I go. No matter how much I tried to deny or ignore it, it will and was always there, at least for me. At first, this thought and idea crippled me with despair. With realizing just what a huge part of me the eating disorder was taking away I was  deeply saddened and depressed. There was anger too...and lots of it. Anger at my parents, anger at the events of my childhood, and yes, anger at myself.  There was a lot of self loathing running through my mind. Thoughts such as "how could I have done this?" "I've screwed my life up" or "I hate my parents and everyone for not understanding my difficulties.." and mostly "I hate myself for getting this way."

So now we are at a point where I realized that this was a part of me. That Anna was akin to me, a constant presence situated deep in my head that manipulated my thoughts and actions. I have discovered that there are different degrees of recovery and that each person's journey is different and unique. A girl who was admitted into the inpatient program with me in 2013, now has gotten her life back to normal. She eats everything, completed school and seems to be having a good life. The period in Credit Valley for her was no doubt a dark time, and one that she will never forget. Often I found myself envying and comparing myself to her. After all, we both started on the same page.. how was it then that she could be "recovered" and I couldn't?

Another girl, who I met in program, and honestly the best friend I have ever had (lets call her Sharon), is on a different part in her recovery journey. Lets try a little imagery here: picture a long, dark hallway with doors on each side, and one door at the end of the hallway that leads out of the world of Anna. The girl who was admitted on the same day as me (lets call her Julie), has walked down this hallway and straight out the door. I can't guarantee that she wont venture back into the building, however, for now she has escaped. Sharon is in a different part in the hallway. She is halfway over to the exit, however, the glimmers of the various lights that escape from the side doors still tempt her. This has made her walk to the door at the end of the hall much slower. She is still drawn towards the false lights in each room, rather than the bright, natural sunshine that is outside the door at the end of the hall.

Sharon still struggles constantly wondering whether or not to enter into the safety and known world of artificial lights rather than venturing out into the sunlight where everything is uncertain and unknown. Sometimes she walks into these artificially lit rooms, but always has enough strength in her to step back out into the hallway and walk towards the sunlight.

So what does this metaphor mean exactly? It means that recovery is not something that happens. It is a constant struggle, an unending fight. There are times where we are drawn into the fake promises of a better life that Anna tricks us into thinking is in those side doors. Sometimes we enter those rooms and are distracted by the glamour of the illness into thinking that this is where we belong. Some girls choose to remain in those rooms rather than enter the sunlight. Others, leave the rooms, and the hallway never to look back again.

The most common thing that could happen to someone is what my friend Sharon has experienced, and what I am experiencing right now. Recovery is constant work, a constant struggle to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout the course of our lives, we have to work on keeping our goals in mind to avoid getting distracted by the lures of Anna and her false lights. Sometimes its making the choice to ignore the bright flashing lights going on all around us, and to just focus on the true light; the life that is real and the one where we are set free.

Many times we may even make it out into the sunlight, and then return back into the safety of what we know. That's ok too. It happens to everyone and everybody, not just people with eating disorders. Think about alcoholics, smokers, drug abusers who relapse. Give yourself the same amount of sympathy and compassion that you would them.

Know that recovery is always a work in progress. Also, it is something that is attainable, but perhaps not  in the way you imagined it would be. My advice to you is to take recovery in whatever form it comes. Even if you are still scared about eating certain foods, look at what you aren't scared of. Focus on what you CAN do rather than everything you can't. Take each victory over Anna, another step towards the sunlight, with enthusiasm and happiness. When we fall into temptation and go back to the illness, each time we must take something away from it. Learn what made us enter the side rooms and stray off our path. Knowing this, we can do our best to avoid these things in the future.

Lastly, the most important and critical truth that I will share with you about recovery, is that you don't have to walk down that hallway by yourself. You can hold the hand of a loved one, a friend, or even a promise of a better life. Lean on them and allow yourself to be led by them out of the darkness. This has been life changing in my experience. Anna wants you to walk the hallway alone as she knows you are easier to tempt when there is no one there. Don't let her use this fact to her advantage. Don't isolate yourself. Surround yourself with positive, loving, patient, compassionate people who care about you and want what's best for you. Sometimes it may be hard to lean on these people, however, it is essential to our recovery.Whether it be family, friends, therapists, other group members in a program we're in, we need them in our lives. Isolation from others is our undoing.

I hope this gives you a glimpse into the battle that you will face or are constantly facing each day of your life. It's not much different from the battle that most people face, that of choosing the difficult route to true happiness rather than shortcut our way to the illusion of it. It is a game; and we must take every victory and loss with a resilient will to continue playing. We must not let our slips determine our outcomes. No matter how long you have stayed in the hallway, there is always an escape. You have to be strong enough, brave enough, and smart enough to reach your goal. And no, I'm not saying its easy. I'm saying that when you step out into the sunlight, is just the beginning, a brand new wonderful world full of new hope and possibilities!