Sunday 1 May 2016

Recovery...The Realistic Relevant Way

Scrolling down the news feed page of my Facebook profile, I see that one of my friends has posted yet another entry about her vacation in Europe where she is "backpacking for recovery." She has been through Credit Valley's program twice, once with me in 2013, and then again in 2015 after she was sexually assaulted at a party. Along with breathtaking pictures documenting her journey in Europe, complete with foodie experiences such as a giant chocolate covered pretzel and ice-cream, her recovery journey is documented minute by minute into what seems to be something out of a movie. 

This is great. I am happy for her. Truly. A little jealous. Well maybe a lot. Travelling to Europe in order to recover from an Eating Disorder? As romantic as that sounds, although it may work for her in the moment, how will it play out in the long run. That brings me to my next question...How can I, a young adult, not exactly the richest person on the planet, recover from this illness in a way that is realistic, lasting and most of all affordable. Let me begin with a thought experiment. Lets say that I did have a bottomless bank account. Would travelling help me to recover? Maybe. The likelihood of this being successful seems really small. 

Firstly, I know first hand how the environment we are surrounded with contribute to the manifestation and maintenance of an eating disorder. Secondly, I also know that its very easy to "recover" when life is a series of metaphorical walks on the beach. It is only when that volleyball comes out of nowhere, abruptly and painfully interrupting your stroll in the sun, that you begin to really falter and wonder if you can continue. 

Addressing my first point: Family and environment play a crucial role in eating disorders. As my psychiatrist says, when a person suffers from an eating disorder, in reality, the whole family is suffering. The person labelled with the eating disorder is just exhibiting the symptoms of maladaptive thinking and behaviours of the whole family. I can confidently say that this is the case for me. No other treatment has been more effective than when I finally agreed to involve my parents in my recovery journey. 

Secondly, treatment programs that take you away from the triggering environment seem to work. However, a person suffering from an eating disorder must learn to live in the environment and work towards changing it or changing their reactions to it because environmental factors have a huge influence on the eating disorder. 

Another breakthrough has been returning to school. I was very hesitant about going back, as it was during my first year at university that I got sick. However, last September I decided that I should give it another shot. That turned out to be the best decision I have ever made. I had forgotten how much I loved learning and using my brain in more productive ways than just counting calories. What I'm trying to say is this: Find something that you absolutely love doing that benefits you in a positive way. It could be anything: for me it was going back to school, and volunteering at my church. Start doing it, even if it doesn't immediately feel good or your eating disorder makes it hard to enjoy. I can promise you that the more you practice this, that is, doing something you are passionate about, eventually one day you will begin to get some enjoyment out of it. 

My advice to you if school or work or volunteering is too much, other things could be writing in a journal, colouring, gardening, redecorating or whatever you love doing. You will find that there will come a time where you care more about the fact that you need to finish that book or complete that drawing you were working on, rather than what you ate for lunch.  I'm not going to lie: you are still going to think about lunch. However, the duration of these thoughts slowly start to decrease. While you used to spend an hour freaking out over calories or pounds, this time shortens to 45 mins, 30, 10, and eventually just a few minutes. 

The other learning curve in my own recovery journey has been the realization of all the ways my eating disorder not only isolated me, but also made me a very self absorbed person. Because if you think about it, we eating disorder sufferers are pretty self obsessed. For some reason beyond our control, we constantly think about our flaws, our fears, and our shortcomings. So much so, that this causes us to binge (not in my case), purge, starve ourselves and worse. On the outside, it may look like we have stopped caring for ourselves. After all, we refuse to provide basic nourishment to our own bodies. However, another, more realistic way of looking at it, is that we stop caring for the people in our lives. We become so self absorbed and wrapped up in the demons that inhabit our thoughts, that we forget that other people live, breathe, and continue their lives and continue to face challenges. 

My mother's diagnosis of Stage 3, Grade 3 cancer was something that really was like the volleyball flying out of nowhere and interrupting my walk across the beach. To describe it with the same analogy I have been using, lets just say that her diagnosis hit me out of nowhere and knocked me to the ground. Suddenly I woke up, dazed and confused, wondering where I was for the last 5 years and how I ended up here in the first place. To summarize what I am trying to say, I just want to give you hope in your attempt at recovery. Even though it seems as though there is no escape from your illness, after a lot of time, therapy, patience, and hard work, continuing with life is something you learn to do once more. 

Whether you are forced to continue and persevere through it, I take comfort in the fact that whatever happens in my life is an opportunity to learn, grow, and move on. There will come a time where you will find something that matters so much to you that your eating disorder will take the back seat. Whether it is a hobby, your career, your pet, or anything that is meaningful to you. Find your friends and the reasons life is worth living to you. It may not seem as though there is anything, but it could be something as small as a snowflake, or something big, like the view from a Paris sidewalk or Swedish Alp! Whatever it is, make the best out of it!