Health care professionals, therapists, and even myself, have constantly said that I need to get up to a certain "healthy weight." Whenever they said it, the idea was a foreign, unimaginable concept to me. To be honest, I didn't think that I would be able to do it. This is why I never actually prepared myself for when it would happen. However, like the promise of rain on a cloudy April day, here I am, at my "healthy weight."
WAIT WAIT WAIT... WHAT did I just say?! Yeah, I did it. I am officially now at my healthy weight. To answer the next question about what it feels like to be here, the first most prominent feeling is feeling like the scum of the earth. Anna going batshit inside telling me that instead of just being a loser, failure, or disappointment, I am now a fat loser, failure and disappointment.
Okay Anna, I hear you. You're mad. You're being a mean bitch because this time I didn't listen to you. You are making me feel like shit because you didn't get your way. You are a sore loser and don't know when it is time to throw down the towel. You are pissed that "Cassy" has taken at least, part of the control back from you.
Below Anna's anger however, I realize that "Cassy" is scared- terrified beyond words actually. What does this mean? Does this mean that my life will miraculously be okay? Does this mean that I can go back and do the things I used to do before I was sick? Can I go back to school? Get a job? Start a new life?
WHOA.. hold on there Cassy! Don't get ahead of yourself. These previous few questions just prove how much anxiety and fear can come from reaching ones healthy weight. It is easy for the mind to race constantly, catastrophising, fortune telling and guessing what might happen in the future.
Notice one thing. I'm constantly thinking ahead, mind racing with thoughts of what will be, rather than what is. I think this has been where I have strayed of the healthy course during my previous times of recovery. I have always thought that when I reached my healthy weight, I would be able to immediately resume all my day to day activities and get life back to "normal. "
However, this time I am aiming to be different. To start with, I am going to tell you openly and honestly exactly what I feel, right now, in this moment; scared, excited, shocked, and yes, even a teensy bit proud of myself for how far I've come.
It wasn't a joy ride getting here and I think it is important to take the time to acknowledge just how hard we all fight when dealing with any sort of mental illness. Thinking of a mental illness as you would a physical one might put your recovery into perspective. Certainly, you wouldn't expect a person just recovering from a major heart transplant, to suddenly go back the way they lived their "normal life"before surgery. You know that there is a long period of time after surgery in rehabilitation and learning to live with this new heart.
In this way, I think I am going to look at reaching my healthy weight, as surviving a major, life changing surgery. In many ways, recovering from an eating disorder is very much physical, as well as mental. I think that is where we have to give ourselves credit and appreciation for just how hard we're working to fight this every single day. Its taking everything one step at a time and being patient. I'm not proud of it, however, I am an extremely impatient person and look for immediate self gratification rather than the long term. This is common with people who have eating disorder; dealing with the present moment and not having patience is too hard, so that is how Anna tricks us. Anna is immediate, self-gratifying in the moment yet destructive and ruinous in the long run. Sticking to our true selves and fighting through those uncomfortable, horrible feelings, and thoughts, might feel shitty right now, but rationally, we KNOW that getting better will help us have a better life.
Lastly, I would like to add that many would like to know "now what?" I suggest really looking into other areas of your life where you can get enjoyment and feel good about yourself. If you aren't in any therapy or self help groups, I highly recommend it. Therapy might seem scary, daunting, or even taboo at first, yet, it is the single most best and life changing thing you can possibly do for yourself.
Something to do right now, is to think of or make a goal of doing one thing that you can do, that you could't do when you were sick. It could be eating your favourite meal, spending time with the family, or even something as simple as talking to a friend, or as in my case, journaling and blogging about it. I really hope that my post today can help you gain insight into what you may be feeling at this point in you recovery. Stay strong and never give up the fight with ANNA... honestly, I never thought I could do it, and here I am. A survivor. And a fighter.
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