This brings me to a realization that I have finally outgrown my family home. I knew that I wanted to go away and 'spread my wings' for a long time. After living a life where I thought I was too scared to leave home and live on my own, I now crave the solitude and order of the life I have created for myself. I think that this is a normal part of growing up. It motivates me to work hard in school so that one day I will be able to afford to live on my own independently both financially, and in the broader sense of the word.
I haven't thought much about my future or any plans for myself apart from establishing my career and completing my degree. The afternoon is melancholy, rainy and wet. I look around my room where I am writing from, and the walls are bare. There is nothing anchoring me to this place that I call home. When I think of home, I actually miss my apartment, my room, my life. I don't know if it is just the weather making me feel this way, and maybe I will feel better tomorrow.
Right now though, I feel as though my heart is torn into two pieces. It's a strange feeling because I think that there is no dialectical way to think of my situation. To be independent, I need to be alone. To be with my family, I need to give up a bit of my independence. Both are extremely important to me and I am unwilling to sacrifice either of them.
There is a new aspect of my life that I never even considered as a possibility before. It is the possibility that I can let new people into my life. It is the realization that other people, or even one person, can share the space in my heart that my family has occupied for so long. This is perhaps the scariest feeling of them all. It's the chance that I have to take in opening myself up to others and always having the chance of them refusing to enter. I know that it is a very real possibility and I know that everyone goes through it sometimes in their lives. I always said that I would live alone and die alone, however, I am beginning to reconsider this. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have someone beside me help me along the way and share in my worries and woes.
This brings me back to that in-between place. The one where I am so unsure about everything I thought I was so certain about. I think that the best I can do is open myself up to new experiences and hope for the best. Through it all, I hope that I will always remember who I am and my values and what I believe in. The in between place is teaching me a lot about who I am, what I value, and what I want from this life. Today, riding on the bus, I realized that I finally know more about what religion I am and what I believe in. These random streams of thoughts seem to enter my head, at the oddest time. I think that I am finally growing in the way that I was supposed to when I was 18. It feels strange and new, but amazing at the same time. Going back to my religion, I realized that I am very spiritual, yet not religious. I think there is a difference between the two. Religion to me is a set of rules, traditions and beliefs that seem to envelop those who accept it as their own. Spirituality to me is knowing that there is something bigger than just us out there, yet being open and accepting of religions and what they teach. I know now that I find comfort in the religious ceremonies of the catholic church simply because it is what I grew up with and what I know. It fills me with a sense of nostalgia and comfort the way that chicken soup does on a cold rainy day.
These little glimpses about who I am and the self discovery wouldn't have been possible had I not been in the in between place where I am right now. That is why I think it is so important that everyone, at some point in their lives, stand at the border of what they know and are comfortable with, and the strange, new and unknown. I think that is where I am right now. I look back at everything I knew and believed in. There is certainty, order, safety, security. But then I look ahead. I can't see much of what is out there, but I do get little glimpses on the possibilities that lie in the horizon. It's strange, and new, and because I don't know my way around, I'm bound to trip and fall a couple of times. Yet, I feel that I am finally ready and brave enough to take that chance. Being in the in between place has made me catch glimpses of what I had, what I have right now, and what I could have in the future. The door is wide open, and adventure awaits. I just have to be brave enough to step outside and face whatever is waiting for me on the other side!
