Christmas Check In

I know that it has been a really long time since I last wrote. A lot has happened in my life since then. My mum started her chemotherapy and I started school in September. School has been something of a revelation to me. I forgot how much I loved to learn, to devour literary works, write analytic essays on Wordsworth or even writing a few stories myself! I also took a poetry class and I actually really enjoyed it. English is my one true love and I know that I will always enjoy writing as well as reading. It was scary at first going back to UTSC. The last time I was there, I was really sick and it was horrible. I never thought that I would ever return back there again. I guess I surprised myself once again!

I have successfully completed one semester of school. I can hardly believe this! The beginning of the year I was working 30 hours a week at Starbucks, then I was hospitalized for two months and then I spent the summer in therapy. I didn't even hope to end the year off as successfully as I did. Despite all the happenings of the year, I still maintain that I am blessed and successful in both my recovery as well as my relationships with others. 

An integral part of my recovery process has been family therapy where my parents and I have learnt how to communicate and interact with each other in more effective and supportive ways. In my experience, family therapy has been revolutionary to my recovery process. Along with therapy, honesty is another big thing that I want to emphasize when it comes to recovery. I have been honest and open about what I struggle with, and doing so, has allowed me to get connected with the appropriate resources and support systems available to me. An example of this is UTSC's accessibility services. Its really important to harness all the resources and supports available to you in order to ensure an easier experience. It is also really important to not feel guilty about using them. Having a mental illness is a serious and real struggle that needs to be acknowledged and addressed.  Recognizing my weaknesses has helped me deal with situations that are challenging, such as eating out or socializing. 

Speaking of challenges, the holidays can be a really hard time for anyone who suffers from an illness, whether physical or mental. In my case, I have really high anxiety and am usually sad. However, this christmas was actually one of the best ones I have had in a long time. My mum tells me that this is because I am in a much better mental state, and I guess that is true. My favourite part of the holidays is buying presents for everyone in my family. This also makes me really anxious as I worry if they will like my presents or not! I also really enjoy baking. This year I made these amazing shortbread cookies, decorated the gingerbread house with Carissa and made an eggnog spiced cake. It was an amazing success. Everyone loved it! I will post the recipe and pics up as well. 

Every family has their own Christmas traditions, and we are no exception. On christmas eve, we usually go to church in the evening. This year we went for the evening mass at 5pm. Then we came home, ate dinner, took some pictures, and got to relax and listen to carols and the special christmas broadcast on the radio. After this, curled up in front of the tv, sipping mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallows,  our whole family watches The Polar Express. We do this every single year. It is our Highland family tradition. Then it's off to bed, but not before putting out the gingerbread house, a glass of milk and Carissa's letter to Santa. Theres gingerbread for Santa to nibble on and carrots for the reindeer! 

Christmas morning was filled with the usual excitement of unwrapping presents. Then we cleaned the house up a bit and got ready for the dinner party that we were going to have later that day. I was feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing as it was my cousins as well as our neighbours who were coming over. It was actually a really good evening. I ate my own dinner, and talked a bit with the guests. I have been making an attempt to be more social and interact with people more. However, I have also remembered to be kind to myself, as well as more patient, and accept my limitations when it comes to being social. 

The best present I had this christmas was having my mum here still with us. I have learnt to appreciate the small things, such as taking the good days and savouring the happiness of the moment. I always do a review list of the top moments of the year. These memories I turn over and over in my head, remembering them when I'm down, and even when I'm happy, since it adds to my happiness. No matter what happens, or where I am next year, I know that right now in this moment I'm happy. I try not to think too far ahead and I just enjoy each and every minute of the day to the best of my ability!

It's Back to School Time Again!

I officially start school this Thursday, September 3rd. To say I'm scared would be an understatement! I enrolled in two courses, Critical Thinking About Narrative and Critical Thinking about Poetry. I will be taking these courses at the University of Toronto Scarborough Campus, and have to finally face my fear of that place, meeting people and attending and participating in tutorials and projects. To begin with, it has been three years since I stepped onto that campus. The last time I was there, I was incredibly depressed and sick. Even though the second time I relapsed was worse than the first time (in terms of my physical condition), the first time I was hospitalized was during a time where I was severely depressed and extremely anxious.

When I hear people say that "health is a priority over everything", I challenge myself to go one step farther and elaborate on that statement. Mental health is a priority over everything. I can say that through my ordeal, it was the years of therapy and my attitude that really shaped my recovery. Through looking at my mum, who suffers from cancer, a good mental health is as essential to her recovery as chemo and radiation! Her positive attitude and perseverance is something that keeps me strong everyday. She could easily fall into a depressed state or a "what's the point" attitude. However, no matter how bleak the circumstances look, she continues to persevere with treatment. That is due to her "strong mind" and incomparable hunger to fight until the very end.

Stepping back onto that campus is going to bring back a lot of memories and flashbacks. I am ware of how emotional and scary this is. I do not have good memories of the place and I am terrified of returning. However, I know that this is something I need to change. I can't go on for the rest of my life avoiding a place. I need to keep reminding myself that it was the situation rather that the location that impacted how I felt. Through all this fear, I am happy to admit a little glimmer of excitement on meeting new people, learning new things, and really allowing myself to have a normal experience, such as going to class, instead of going to therapy, after years of illness!

I will make sure to document everything about my experience going back. I plan to go with my mum first, and walk around the campus with her. She is the only person I feel brave enough to share that experience with. I promise to take a lot of pictures and share with you every single moment of my time there. To all my readers going back to school, you're not alone... I can happily say this year that I'm going back to school too! To all of those who are suffering from an illness physical, or mental, I dedicate this post to you and promise that I think, pray and hope the best for you. This is not permanent. Life can change in marvellous wonderful ways, and a new opportunity presents itself when you least expect it! I know that you might be scared and nervous about going back, or even not going back. I say "I hear you. I feel your anxiety. You are not alone."

Self Awareness

Many times we are told by our loved ones or friends, "be kind to yourself." However, many of us don't actually know how to do this. I can say from experience, that I am my harshest critic. I am very impatient when it comes to my recovery, and I want things to happen quickly. I often act impulsively and make questionable decisions. Today I am going to reflect on the term "Self Awareness." In order to have self compassion, I think that one has to be aware of oneself- that is, I need to be self-aware in order to be self-compassionate. Self awareness is simply being aware of ones traits, feelings, and behaviours.

There are many factors that make us who we are. One that we absolutely do not have any control over is our inherited genetics- this is controlled solely by nature. This effects how we appear, our temperament/personality, and our vulnerability to certain illnesses and diseases. The second one is our environment- this is the "nurture" part, for those of you who are interested in the "nature vs. nurture" debate.  Our environment includes our family (they shape our beliefs, values, ethics etc.), the time period we live in (gender roles, war, depression etc), our learning and education, work relationships, skill development and trauma (through abuse, loss, accidents etc).

Something very important to remember however, is that whether our symptoms are hereditary or effected by environment, we have a choice. Our symptoms and our illness don't make us who we are. When I see myself, I don't see myself as "Cassy, the anorexic."  Rather I see myself as "Cassy, who is suffering from anorexia," The key difference between those two sentences is that in the second statement I am a person separate from my illness, whereas the first statement defines me as my illness. This can often cause us to forget who we really are. The choices we make are based on the consequences of our decisions, experience, knowledge, and the advantages and disadvantages of making a decision.

I can choose to be defined by my illness, however, I choose not to. When defining myself, I focus on the facts, and that makes it easier to stay away from being too judgemental or critical of myself. When being self aware, I can focus on three areas:

• My Heredity- how I was made (physical characteristics, traits, tendencies etc)
• Environment- where I grew up, when I grew up, what I learned, how I grew up (values)
• My Choices- the positive and negative choices I make

These three areas come together and all play an equal role to form who I am as a person. Being more self-aware has taught me that even though there are predispositions and factors out of my control (like genes and environment), there are other things that are in my control. Those are the choices I make and the way I view and react to situations. Something I hope that you get out of today's post is realizing that no matter what happened to you in the past, or the environment you're currently in, you have a choice! You can choose to stay stuck or you can choose to let it go. I know its easier said than done, and I'm telling you from experience, it takes a lot of practice and learning to do this. I think the biggest thing I want to emphasize to my readers is that in order to make a change, to stop the same cycle we're stuck in, we need to first be aware of exactly what the issue is.

Below are some helpful self-reflection sentence starters that can help clear the muddled thoughts that sometimes run through our heads. I strongly advise using these headings and journaling about them.

• If I could go on a trip tomorrow, I would go...
• If I could be any animal in the world, I would be...
• I am proudest of myself when...
• My happiest moment was when...
• The thing I look forward to the most is...
• If I could change one thing in my life, it would be...
• The thing that makes me angriest is...
• My biggest fear is...
• My saddest moment was when...
• I feel really bad about myself when...
• The hardest thing I deal with at home is...
• The most important thing I want people to know about me is...

A Few of my Favourite breakfasts!

Breakfast is my favourite meal of the day. If I could, breakfast foods would appear at every meal!

Today I had one of my favourite breakfasts: half of a whole wheat toasted bagel (toasted until golden brown and crispy, yet amazingly chewy inside!)

a nice thick layer of quark (like cream cheese but 99% less fat)

and a boiled egg on top, the white soft, yet not rubbery, and the rich, buttery yolk included! (for a long time, the yolks scared me, however, I learnt that when you eat only the whites of the egg, your body absorbs it as it would a carbohydrate. Besides, the yolk is both delicious and amazing for you!)

Another one of my favourite breakfasts are pancakes! And these ones are super healthy and easy to make. All it takes is 1/4 cup of this amazing high fibre, whole grain pancake mix, an egg, a splash of water, and some cinnamon and nutmeg to make fluffy golden and beautiful pancakes. This recipe gives you two really well sized pancakes!

BRIDGE

I was recommended by my psychiatrist to join  a group program called "BRIDGE" which stands for:

B - Building - What am I building?

R - Recovering - What am I recovering from?

I - Initiating - What do I need to start doing? 

D - Developing - What do I need to develop?

G - Growing - What is important for me to learn?

E - Empowering - Why is it important for me to be recovered?


I was initially very hesitant about this. My past experiences in group therapy, specifically catered to eating disorder recovery, had proven unsuccessful. I relapsed after my first time, and quit during the fourth week of my second time. However, BRIDGE was a completely new and totally beneficial program in terms of my recovery. It encourages and supports its clients to re-engage and rebuild their lives after a psychiatric hospitalization, or anyone in need of support.

I am very excited to share with my readers everything I've learnt, and also include daily activities and exercises that I find beneficial and helpful towards my recovery. The wonderful thing about this is that it can be catered to fit your needs, and is not specifically for someone with an eating disorder.

Before joining the group, I had to make a list of goals that I had for myself. If it helps, try to figure out your motivations for recovery using this acronym as a backbone. I can show you my example below:

B - Building: What am I building?

• Routine- having a sense of purpose and somewhere to go/ be everyday
• Social skills- developing new relationships and improving social interactions
• Self-Confidence- learning to avoid negative self-talk skills. 

R - Recovering: What am I recovering from?

• Anorexia
• Depression
• Anxiety
• OCD

I - Initiating: What do I need to start doing?

• Going to BRIDGE everyday (or if not in a group program, reading and doing a CBT activity or worksheet everyday)
• Sticking to my meal plan
• Being open to new ideas/opinions/relationships with others

D - Developing: What do I need to develop?

• Assertiveness
• Effective Communication
• Distress Tolerance Skills

G - Growing:  What is important for me to learn?

• To love myself because of my personality/relationships/achievements rather than because of my physical appearance
• I am worth all the hard work and effort that it takes to recover from my eating disorder

E - Empowering: Why is it important for me to be recovered?

• I want to start living my life to the fullest 

In previous posts, I have mentioned my health care team at Markham Stouffville Hospital. Today I want to recognize them and dedicate a post specifically to the amazing services they provide. I think that we are lucky enough to live in a country that has such a vast plethora of resources that we can use when it comes to both our physical and mental health. To not take advantage of this, would be a great loss for many people. Services such as those offered by the hospital, are available to everyone, and are generalized to service different needs and illnesses. 

If you are unable or hesitant to access resources, I encourage you to keep reading as I update my posts daily. I promise to convey everything I learn onto you so that you may reap from the benefits without having to go anywhere. I also would love to know if what I post is helpful or not, and if you are able to utilize these skills in a positive way to enhance your quality of life. 

My Mom

My Life, my Love and the Driving Force of my Recovery

Exactly 24 hours after I posted my last entry, I found out that my mother was diagnosed with stage 2 aggressive breast cancer. I am devastated. To give you a better idea of how important my mum is to me, let me start of by saying that when I first went into Credit Valley, the only reason I went was because of my mom. When I admitted myself into hospital the second time, and was put on a tube, the only person I wanted more than anyone else was my mom. She is the one who came to me as soon as I called her; stayed with me until late at night, and with shaking hands, fed me soup because I was too weak to eat it by myself. She is the person who will drop whatever she is doing to come home and comfort me because I am having a meltdown over guests at my house. She is the person who tells me that I am good enough each and everyday and sets the best example of what unconditional love really is by loving me every single day.

My mum is my everything. Without her, my world would stop spinning. The pain I feel from what she has to go through tomorrow (a mastectomy and then chemotherapy for an unknown period of time) cripples me and stuns me into a confused state of mind. For the first time in a very very long time, I couldn't care less about Anna, my weight or, myself. I am not the priority, I am no longer the sick one, and it is my turn to help her and be strong for her in her time of need.

One way of looking at this, is to say, that I have been tested by fate too much. This is too hard and this is why I can stop trying. However, I see this diagnosis as one of the most eyeopening events in my recovery journey. Having an eating disorder, Anna tricked me into thinking that I has a sense of control over everything that went on in my life. As long as I controlled my food and weight, I also controlled my relationships with family, friends, as well as my emotions. Having an eating disorder gave me an escape from facing the normal, day-to-day struggles and pains of real life.

Today, I am writing this post, because I had a revolutionary realization; that although Anna thought she was in control by constantly keeping me engaged in my eating disorder behaviours, life is really not in my control. Even though I have an eating disorder, my mum still got cancer, just like even though I have an eating disorder, time still passes and the seasons keep changing as they're supposed to. This is not about Anna, depression, anxiety, or mental illness; its the fact that I have mental illness along with the realities and hardships of life. As the saying goes, "time and tide waits for no one."  Having anorexia hasn't protected me from pain, as I thought it initially would. I think have anorexia, has made me feel a much higher degree of pain instead. I wish that I had friends and people that I could share my feelings and fears with, yet because of my illness I have no friends. It breaks my heart that I haven't eaten anything my mum has cooked for me in almost 3 years. I am so sad that I missed out on all the times where I could have cooked and had a meal with her.

I am sad that I am not the daughter I should have been. That I' m not strong enough to face this situation or be of comfort to my two younger sisters. It breaks my heart that in a time when my mum is most  vulnerable, all she worries about is me, rather than her own health. I also feel guilty for all the anger I feel inside me; I know its normal to be angry, yet, now it pains me so much to be around her or talk to her or even look at her. I know this is my way of coping. My way of pushing and distancing myself away from those that I love to help numb a bit of the pain.

For the first time in my life, I am imagining a world without my mother in it, and that is a world I am very scared to be in. I think this is my ultimate test of strength, the final point, the maximum I can be pushed. I am not saying that its fair, yet this is the situation and I have nothing to do but accept it. Anna can very easily take over entirely right now, yet, I'm beginning to realize that even if she does, it'll just be one more thing that I have lost power and influence over. This could be my easy excuse; "I relapsed because my mum has cancer", yet, now that I think about it, relapsing would be the most destructive thing I could do to myself and to my mother, and also incredibly selfish. Lastly, this has made me feel very depressed and hopeless. I no longer want to go to school, to get better, to even wake up in the morning. Yet, the strong part of me, and I'm beginning to realize, the voice in my head that sounds a lot like my mom's, gently urges me on, to continue doing things and living and breathing. This part of me wants to get better so desperately that I can make my mum proud. I wouldn't mind 10 years of mental anguish from Anna, for 1 second of happiness with my mum.

I think I am at a very important crossroads at my recovery; it could go either way. I could relapse and be sick all over again, or I could do something even harder, stay healthy and be there for my mum. Both decisions have their appeals and their repellants, yet, this is a decision that I alone can make. Even though everything seems to be spinning uncontrollably, I have never felt more in tune and in power over myself than I do now. Inside, I am fighting a really hard battle; not only do I have to deal with the feelings I have of my mom's diagnosis, I also have to fight for my own recovery and survival. I hope that by writing this post, you have an idea of how easy it is to get so caught up in your ED, that you lose sight of what really matters in your life. I also hope you realize that you are stronger than most people, because while others battle the opponent with both hands and feet , you only have half of your limbs and your opponent is double your size. Give yourself the compassion, love and kindness you deserve. Realize how hard it is for you, and that it is okay to cry, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to feel.

I am going to end my post by saying once again, how much I love my mum. I never thought it was capable to love someone else so completely, and so unconditionally. I never thought that I could ever be capable or vulnerable enough to love someone this way. My mum is my beacon of light, and in many ways, the one thing that inspires me everyday to work hard, eat my meals, and be the best person I can be. Whenever you face a hard time, think of that one person in the world that you would readily take a bullet for. Think of that person every time you eat or do something to help you in your recovery. I know that from now on, I will always keep my mum in my mind, and try my best to be strong for her in her time of need. I love you mom, and I hope to make you proud!

Reaching a Healthy Weight

Health care professionals, therapists, and even myself, have constantly said that I need to get up to a certain "healthy weight." Whenever they said it, the idea was a foreign, unimaginable concept to me. To be honest, I didn't think that I would be able to do it. This is why I never actually prepared myself for when it would happen. However, like the promise of rain on a cloudy April day, here I am, at my "healthy weight."

WAIT WAIT WAIT... WHAT did I just say?! Yeah, I did it. I am officially now at my healthy weight. To answer the next question about what it feels like to be here, the first most prominent feeling is feeling like the scum of the earth. Anna going batshit inside telling me that instead of just being a loser, failure, or disappointment,  I  am now a fat loser, failure and disappointment.

Okay Anna, I hear you. You're mad. You're being a mean bitch because this time I didn't listen to you. You are making me feel like shit because you didn't get your way. You are a sore loser and don't know when it is time to throw down the towel. You are pissed that "Cassy" has taken at least, part of the control back from you.

Below Anna's anger however, I realize that "Cassy" is scared- terrified beyond words actually. What does this mean? Does this mean that my life will miraculously be okay? Does this mean that I can go back and do the things I used to do before I was sick? Can I go back to school? Get a job? Start a new life?

WHOA.. hold on there Cassy! Don't get ahead of yourself. These previous few questions just prove how much anxiety and fear can come from reaching ones healthy weight. It is easy for the mind to race constantly, catastrophising, fortune telling and guessing what might happen in the future.

Notice one thing. I'm constantly thinking ahead, mind racing with thoughts of what will be, rather than what is. I think this has been where I have strayed of the healthy course during my previous times of recovery. I have always thought that when I reached my healthy weight, I would be able to immediately resume all my day to day activities and get life back to "normal. "

However, this time I am aiming to be different. To start with, I am going to tell you openly and honestly exactly what I feel, right now, in this moment; scared, excited, shocked, and yes, even a teensy bit proud of myself for how far I've come.

It wasn't a joy ride getting here and I think it is important to take the time to acknowledge just how hard we all fight when dealing with any sort of mental illness. Thinking of a mental illness as you would a physical one might put your recovery into perspective. Certainly, you wouldn't expect a person just recovering from a major heart transplant, to suddenly go back the way they lived their "normal life"before surgery. You know that there is a long period of time after surgery in rehabilitation and learning to live with this new heart.

In this way, I think I am going to look at reaching my healthy weight, as surviving a major, life changing surgery. In many ways, recovering from an eating disorder is very much physical, as well as mental. I think that is where we have to give ourselves credit and appreciation for just how hard we're working to fight this every single day.  Its taking everything one step at a time and being patient. I'm not proud of it, however, I am an extremely impatient person and look for immediate self gratification rather than the long term. This is common with people who have eating disorder; dealing with the present moment and not having patience is too hard, so that is how Anna tricks us. Anna is immediate, self-gratifying in the moment yet destructive and ruinous in the long run. Sticking to our true selves and fighting through those uncomfortable, horrible feelings, and thoughts, might feel shitty right now, but rationally, we KNOW that getting better will help us have a better life.

Lastly, I would like to add that many would like to know "now what?" I suggest really looking into other areas of your life where you can get enjoyment and feel good about yourself. If you aren't in any therapy or self help groups, I highly recommend it. Therapy might seem scary, daunting, or even taboo at first, yet, it is the single most best and life changing thing you can possibly do for yourself.

Something to do right now, is to think of or make a goal of doing one thing that you can do, that you could't do when you were sick. It could be eating your favourite meal, spending time with the family, or even something as simple as talking to a friend, or as in my case, journaling and blogging about it. I really hope that my post today can help you gain insight into what you may be feeling at this point in you recovery. Stay strong and never give up the fight with ANNA... honestly, I never thought I could do it, and here I am. A survivor. And a fighter.

Thalasso Bain Bébé Jumeaux - Twin Baby Bath

https://youtu.be/qY-d46-gPMI

This just filled me with a sense of awe and wonder!

What "Recovery From an Eating Disorder" Really Is

You may have heard so many of them; the success stories of "those" people who "once had eating problems" but are "all better now". You probably look at them in awe, confusion, anger, even jealousy and think "why can't that be me?" Something I have realized throughout this struggle is that having an eating disorder is not like having a cold or a fever. You don't get "cured" and move on with your life as if nothing happened.  The first really important thing to remember is that you can't "recover" from an eating disorder. Before you object to my negativity, I assure you, there's hope. Just allow me to explain myself.

Firstly, realizing the aforementioned statement was the most important and life changing moment in my recovery. I came to terms with the fact that my eating disorder would now be like a constant shadow, something that follows and stays with me everywhere I go. No matter how much I tried to deny or ignore it, it will and was always there, at least for me. At first, this thought and idea crippled me with despair. With realizing just what a huge part of me the eating disorder was taking away I was  deeply saddened and depressed. There was anger too...and lots of it. Anger at my parents, anger at the events of my childhood, and yes, anger at myself.  There was a lot of self loathing running through my mind. Thoughts such as "how could I have done this?" "I've screwed my life up" or "I hate my parents and everyone for not understanding my difficulties.." and mostly "I hate myself for getting this way."

So now we are at a point where I realized that this was a part of me. That Anna was akin to me, a constant presence situated deep in my head that manipulated my thoughts and actions. I have discovered that there are different degrees of recovery and that each person's journey is different and unique. A girl who was admitted into the inpatient program with me in 2013, now has gotten her life back to normal. She eats everything, completed school and seems to be having a good life. The period in Credit Valley for her was no doubt a dark time, and one that she will never forget. Often I found myself envying and comparing myself to her. After all, we both started on the same page.. how was it then that she could be "recovered" and I couldn't?

Another girl, who I met in program, and honestly the best friend I have ever had (lets call her Sharon), is on a different part in her recovery journey. Lets try a little imagery here: picture a long, dark hallway with doors on each side, and one door at the end of the hallway that leads out of the world of Anna. The girl who was admitted on the same day as me (lets call her Julie), has walked down this hallway and straight out the door. I can't guarantee that she wont venture back into the building, however, for now she has escaped. Sharon is in a different part in the hallway. She is halfway over to the exit, however, the glimmers of the various lights that escape from the side doors still tempt her. This has made her walk to the door at the end of the hall much slower. She is still drawn towards the false lights in each room, rather than the bright, natural sunshine that is outside the door at the end of the hall.

Sharon still struggles constantly wondering whether or not to enter into the safety and known world of artificial lights rather than venturing out into the sunlight where everything is uncertain and unknown. Sometimes she walks into these artificially lit rooms, but always has enough strength in her to step back out into the hallway and walk towards the sunlight.

So what does this metaphor mean exactly? It means that recovery is not something that happens. It is a constant struggle, an unending fight. There are times where we are drawn into the fake promises of a better life that Anna tricks us into thinking is in those side doors. Sometimes we enter those rooms and are distracted by the glamour of the illness into thinking that this is where we belong. Some girls choose to remain in those rooms rather than enter the sunlight. Others, leave the rooms, and the hallway never to look back again.

The most common thing that could happen to someone is what my friend Sharon has experienced, and what I am experiencing right now. Recovery is constant work, a constant struggle to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout the course of our lives, we have to work on keeping our goals in mind to avoid getting distracted by the lures of Anna and her false lights. Sometimes its making the choice to ignore the bright flashing lights going on all around us, and to just focus on the true light; the life that is real and the one where we are set free.

Many times we may even make it out into the sunlight, and then return back into the safety of what we know. That's ok too. It happens to everyone and everybody, not just people with eating disorders. Think about alcoholics, smokers, drug abusers who relapse. Give yourself the same amount of sympathy and compassion that you would them.

Know that recovery is always a work in progress. Also, it is something that is attainable, but perhaps not  in the way you imagined it would be. My advice to you is to take recovery in whatever form it comes. Even if you are still scared about eating certain foods, look at what you aren't scared of. Focus on what you CAN do rather than everything you can't. Take each victory over Anna, another step towards the sunlight, with enthusiasm and happiness. When we fall into temptation and go back to the illness, each time we must take something away from it. Learn what made us enter the side rooms and stray off our path. Knowing this, we can do our best to avoid these things in the future.

Lastly, the most important and critical truth that I will share with you about recovery, is that you don't have to walk down that hallway by yourself. You can hold the hand of a loved one, a friend, or even a promise of a better life. Lean on them and allow yourself to be led by them out of the darkness. This has been life changing in my experience. Anna wants you to walk the hallway alone as she knows you are easier to tempt when there is no one there. Don't let her use this fact to her advantage. Don't isolate yourself. Surround yourself with positive, loving, patient, compassionate people who care about you and want what's best for you. Sometimes it may be hard to lean on these people, however, it is essential to our recovery.Whether it be family, friends, therapists, other group members in a program we're in, we need them in our lives. Isolation from others is our undoing.

I hope this gives you a glimpse into the battle that you will face or are constantly facing each day of your life. It's not much different from the battle that most people face, that of choosing the difficult route to true happiness rather than shortcut our way to the illusion of it. It is a game; and we must take every victory and loss with a resilient will to continue playing. We must not let our slips determine our outcomes. No matter how long you have stayed in the hallway, there is always an escape. You have to be strong enough, brave enough, and smart enough to reach your goal. And no, I'm not saying its easy. I'm saying that when you step out into the sunlight, is just the beginning, a brand new wonderful world full of new hope and possibilities!

On reading Virginia Woolf's "Orlando"

Having read Mrs. Dalloway in my first year of university english, I was excited to start "Orlando". To be honest, I tried reading "To the Lighthouse", but didn't really enjoy the experience. I understand that you need patience to read the book as the concept of time is drawn out in such a way that an hour passing could be described in several ways with several different views... which actually makes me reconsider my decision to stop reading it. I guess that is part of the magic.

However, on to the book I am currently reading. From reading the synopsis on Goodreads or even the back of the book, one can come to the conclusion that yes, it is a biography. This biography is unique as Woolf doesn't hold back any judgements or conceptions she had of the time period in which Orlando is set. The book is divided into six chapters, and what I find really interesting is that at the end of each chapter, there is a photo of a significant character that appeared in the aforementioned chapter.

I'm not even going to begin to start analyzing the themes, symbols, characters and their motives etc in this post. If I did, I would go into full "English Essay Analysis" mode and thats not what I want to do. In fact, I want to do the exact opposite. Essays take on a very impersonal and distant, or as many people say, scholarly feel to them. What I want to do is to tell you exactly what I feel when I read Orlando rather that what I think. 

Today I completed the second chapter of the book, and to my surprise, found that I could empathize greatly with Orlando and understood exactly what he felt better than any character I've ever read about. I don't know if its Woolf's magical touch or just the stage of life I am in right now. Whatever it is, my empathy as well as commonality with many of the questions and issues Orlando face are very closely tied together.

Today, for example, I came upon a quote:

Life seemed to him of prodigious length. Yet even so, it went like a flash. But even when it stretched longest and the moments swelled biggest and he seemed to wander alone in deserts of vast eternity, there was no time for the smoothing out and deciphering of those thickly scored parchments which thirty years among men and women have rolled tight in his heart and brain.

This passage stood out to me as this is EXACTLY what i feel. The state of my physical and mental well being can be perfectly summed up by this passage. Orlando brought me to a realization that my present is coloured by my past, and that things don't occur at random, but have a sequence and an order to them. This is what I have also learnt in therapy over the years.

The fact that I can relate so much to Orlando still blows my mind! Like him, I tend to run away from things that have hurt me in the past, and avoid any such associations with them in the future. Like him, I isolated myself to my own home after a mental breakdown, while he had a heartbreak. There is truly some magic in being able to actually feel the pain and confusion, as well as the loss of what Orlando feels. I finished the second chapter today and it left me with a feeling of wanting. I want to know what happens to Orlando. Does he find his purpose? Does he find his courage to face life instead of always running away from it?

One thing that makes me sad, yet also feel less alone, is the knowledge that I am not alone. Someone out there in the world, living or dead, understands what it feels like to have your heart broken and your faith in humanity shaken. I think that is the true magic of reading and media, and blog articles such as mine. For one instant of time when we write, or when we read, we sense a feeling of companionship, of partnership, of a "we're all in this together" feeling.

So in order to prevent this from becoming to lengthy and boring and repetitive, the take away from my experience of reading this book so far is that we are not alone in our struggles. Even though it may feel like it, others feel the same way you do. Its learning to accept our feelings and being brave enough to face them which is the challenge.

I do have one accomplishment to write about. I attended a volunteer appreciation brunch at our church. I do admit I was very anxious about it, but once I was actually in there, everything seemed alright. I was surrounded by my friends and I felt like I could trust these people more than I could trust anyone other than my family. It really put into perspective who and what was important to my life. I am really glad I went and that I challenged myself not only with the process of eating out, but also socializing with others.

Like Ms. Frizzle says... Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy! Because frankly darling, that is how to live life to the fullest!

Rediscovering the Joy of Eating

Having an eating disorder makes one forget about the joy of eating. My mind sometimes is so wrapped around all the fear and anxiety of what I'm eating that it is hard to really concentrate on even tasting, let alone, enjoying what I am eating. Before coming to the hospital, I survived eating low fat fudgesicles,  rice pudding and oatmeal.

Being in the hospital, I met with the most fantastic dietician. She came to speak with me and asked me what my comfort foods were. I am a big lover of pudding, cottage cheese, custards, and oatmeal. Yesterday morning we got to change my meal plan to include foods that I enjoy and love.

Today was the first day of my new meal plan. Breakfast was a warm bowl of oatmeal with soy milk, and a custard cup. Eating my favourite foods, Anna usually doesn't have much control over me. I don't really care what she says as the pleasure of eating these foods drown out whatever she has to say about them.

KozyShack Custard 

Oatmeal

Lunch was even better! I had Cottage Cheese with pepper, Chocolate pudding and a slice of whole wheat bread! Keep in mind, that I am being tube fed also. This is just the extra food that I get to eat with my meal plan.

Whole Wheat Toast

Chocolate Pudding

Cottage Cheese

Treatment or no treatment? That is the question...!

Recently, I confess, that I have been in pre-contemplation mode for seeking treatment for my anorexia. I have been on the fence for a while now, and am becoming very confused with what I really want. I decided that the only possible way I could figure this out was to do a pros and cons list. I will keep adding to this list from now on!

Pros of Treatment                                        

• Getting a healthy body back
• Eating foods that I actually want...not foods that Anna makes me think I want to eat
• Being able to go back to school
• Working again 
• Volunteering at my church

Cons of Treatment

• Not being 100% secure in my body
• Eating various kinds of foods that I would not view as "healthy" or "nutritious" 
• I will not have control over many of the things I would want to have control over (what I eat, when I eat, how much I have to gain etc) 

A life altering Day

Its starts on 5 AM on March 6^th, 2015. It is cold outside, and dark, however, the weather is much improved from the -20 and -30 degree Celsius temperatures I have been faced with. It feels like just another ordinary day. For the past 6 months, I’ve been waking up at 5:30 am, going to work downtown at Sick Kids (I was a barista) and coming home at around 7:30 pm. Life seemed to be going on autopilot. I am a 20-year-old woman, and life right now, though not perfect, is liveable.

I love my job as a barista. I had been trying for two years to get into Starbucks. It was my dream job. When I got the call a few days before my birthday for an interview, I was so excited. As soon as I started working there I knew how much I loved talking to people and interacting with them; suggesting drink and food combinations, pairing a cookie with a latte. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always enjoyed preparing food and drinks for people. This job allowed me to live my little girl dreams of working in a café type setting. Serving people and making someone’s day with a cup of coffee and a smile is what made life worth it.

For the past two years, I have been working extremely hard to establish a life for myself. I volunteer at my local parish church. We do coffee Sunday, which is a ministry that serves coffee and cookies after masses. It was only recently that my family undertook this responsibility. It has been one of the few things that we can do together.

Let me explain. Most families go out to parties together. They grab a pizza when times get too hectic and mum’s not able to make dinner. Or families gather in fancy restaurants for special graduation, anniversary and birthday dinners. My family is different. In my family, anything related to eating or food is a taboo subject. It is not because we have a deathly allergy in the family certain foods or some rigid kosher or halal beliefs. Its not because we don’t enjoy doing these things together.

It’s because of me.I have an eating disorder. I am an anorexic; the restrictive subtype, which means that I severely restrict my food intake in an attempt to maintain my ideal body. The part that is so dangerous and risky and addictive about my illness is that it becomes like a game. When I lost the first 5 lbs. and people started noticing, initially, it felt amazing. “Wow! I look great I thought!” Then there came a time where I figured… “hmm.. losing 5 lbs. was met with such positive feedback, how about if I lost another 10?” And soon before I knew it, it became a game of “how low can it go?” Long story short, here I am 2 years later, in Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga Ontario finally seeking help for an eating disorder that I am ready to let go off.

I told my parents that I was heading to work a bit earlier last Friday. I left the house at around 5 am, got the ttc to finch station and then took the go bus to Credit Valley Hospital. I walked into emerge, equipped with a note that my family doctor had provided me. In this note, it stated that I was an anorexic and it listed all the side effects I was experiencing such as hypothermia, an abnormal heart rate, imbalanced electrolytes etc. Within two hours. I was admitted into the hospital. I called my mum as soon as I heard this and then waited for her to arrive. I spent the weekend in the hospital, moving from ward to ward until I could find a spot to make my own. On Monday morning, I was moved to 3b, the cardiac floor, and was certified under Dr. Staab. It has stated that if I try to leave the hospital before March 22, 2015, I will be brought back by security and handcuffed to my bed.

I was initially extremely upset over this. What felt like was under my complete and total control suddenly went way over my head and stopped being about what I wanted. However, I knew that this is something like jumping into a pool or ripping a band-aid off…you can do it slowly and painfully, or you can do it quickly, all at once and get it over with. Either way, its going to hurt, but both ways will get you the same results. Tuesday morning was the day the feeding tube went it. I am not going to lie or be brave and pretend that it did not hurt or feel unpleasant. It was not a good feeling at all. However, to get through this, I knew that this is what I needed to do for me. This is what I have to do to make sure that I am able to build a better life for myself.

This is a picture of me, in my hospital bed, on my first day. 

I'm not going to mention my weight or any numbers in this post, or in any future ones. I know how triggering that could be to someone so I'm not going to do it. However, I must emphasize that it is not pleasant to be such a low weight. And you don't want to put your body through that much hell. 

Having said that, I understand if you're reading this and are still not convinced that being anorexic is not fun. I was like that too. Getting this sick was a way of liberating myself. Finally being able to start from the very beginning and from the very bottom. That is the best place to start really. I needed this huge amount of suffering to realize that life is worth living.