Hello Readers!
I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote. Thanks for your patience and for continuing to check back for posts! Now that I have a bit of free time, I thought it would be nice to give everyone a little update on everything that has been going on in my life! Today is Easter Sunday, and it is a day to celebrate with family and friends. I write today in reflection of my recovery journey and also remember the Easter I spent two years ago: it was spent in the hospital at Credit Valley!
Now, two years later, I am finally living the life that I wanted to live. Thats something that I want to share with my readers today. As part of a psychology research project on mental health, I participated in a study that looked at improving outcomes for university students suffering from mental health issues. Considering that this is something that is close to my heart, I decided to participate.
One of the questions the interviewer asked me was if there was anything I would like to say to current and future university students experiencing a mental health issue or simply going through a tough time in university. My battle with anorexia started during the early months of my first semester at university. My anxiety and depression, as well as personality disorders, were constant companions throughout my life, especially in my senior years of high school.
This is why I think its so important to share my story with others. I believe that if I knew half as much as what I do now, I would have had a much easier time throughout. It really is true what they say about experience being the best teacher! Growing up, I always thought that the most important thing in the world was school, getting good grades, then getting into the best university, graduating, getting a job that paid me a whole lot of money, and buying a house, a car, expensive clothes etc. is what I aspired to want. After all, that was what my parents had always taught me. The importance of studying hard in order to live a life of comfort. It is true that material things do not make you happy, but they certainly do make you more comfortable!
I believe however, that there is something that differentiates our generation from that of our parents. We live in a day and age where anything is possible. I am blessed to live in Canada and receive the amazing services and support systems that our wonderful country has to offer those who are struggling in their lives. We have food banks that support students and families in university that do not have the means to provide healthy nutritious options. We have loans given by the government that allow us to go to university, buy our books, and receive an education to better ourselves.
I think that is why, despite making it seem through what I'm writing, that the material things hold such a significance to us, it is actually all the support that we receive that gives us one thing that no amount of money can grant us: and that is freedom. Opportunity. The chance to reimagine ourselves as who we would like to be without worrying about meeting the expectations of our families or what society wants us to be like. I worked hard all throughout high school, both academically and in my part time job as well, to ensure that I had the right clothes, the nice hair and had everything that I thought would make me happy. I applied to three different universities, choosing Human Biology as my major, because I simply had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I declined an offer from the University of Guelph simply because I thought that going to the University of Toronto was the right decision because of its status and reputation.
My first week of university, I knew I made a terrible mistake. I picked the wrong school and I felt trapped in the decision I made. That's one of the scariest feelings one can ever experience. The regret and then the shame that follows is heartbreaking. Knowing that you made a decision in an effort to desperately try to conform to societal expectations, and then realizing that this conformity causes you unhappiness, makes you feel trapped and alone. I didn't know how to tell my parents that I hated every single moment of my university experience.
This is what I'd been working so hard all my life to achieve after all. I studied hard to get where I was, and I thought once I got into the "top" university, everything would magically fall into place! Was I ever so wrong! Four years later, I have been fortunate enough to have gotten a second chance to reshape my life. For a long time I thought that my past struggles dictated forever my future self. Because I struggled with a mental illness as a young adult, I wouldn't make it very far in my life. My parents thought that I'd be working part time jobs and not really doing much for the reset of my life, and to be honest, I thought that too.
However, I finally found the courage within me to go back to school. And once I got there, I realized that I loved learning after all. Even though I hated my program, I took some time to play around with what I thought would interest me. In my first year back, I took English courses, and then I realized that I missed the maths and sciences that I'd been doing all throughout my school years. From my experience working at Starbucks, the many times I was in the hospital for my eating disorder, and from looking at various program options, I decided to take Applied Human Nutrition in Guelph.
This second chance has been one that I have embraced completely and fully. From all of my experiences, I have come into this one with an open mind and tried to lower, if not, eradicate completely any expectations I have of how I think everything should go. Instead, I have taken a new approach to just accept things the way that they are, and do the best that I can and hope that it is good enough.
To wrap up this post, I would like to share with my readers what I told the interviewers that I wanted university students to know:
Nothing is permanent. Always remember that. Just like the good times can't last forever, the bad ones don't stick around. It is completely okay to say that you have made the wrong decision and then to back track a bit. Do not worry about what people may think of you or how you appear to others. In the end, it is you that has to live with the decision you made, not them. I wasn't brave enough to acknowledge that I made a mistake. I was scared to tell my parents that this is not what I wanted to do after all because I didn't want to disappoint them. Yet, it cost me so much.
Today, so many years later, I have managed to write again after completing my second year in university, and my first year in the University of Guelph, which is where I wanted to be in the first place. I think that during the first time, when I worked so hard to meet the expectations of others, this second chance, I have worked so hard to meet the expectations I set out for myself. It's easy to blur the lines between what we think we want, and what others think we should want. Often, we forget whether it was us or them who wanted that in the first place!
That's why I also want to say, stick to who you are and what you believe in. As long as you are honest with yourself, you will be happy. No one can tell you what makes you happy. Only you can decide that for yourself. So, if getting a car, a house, and having money is what you want, I say go ahead..and do whatever you can, to achieve it- and when I say whatever you can, I ask you to consider if you are willing to perhaps live a life that makes you comfortable, rather than content. If waking up everyday and working a job that may not give you the six figure salary, but gives you an amazing sense of purpose and meaning to your life is what fulfills you and truly allows you to be happy, I say grab onto that and embrace it!
This is something that I am still trying to integrate into my life as well as share with others. I feel that as long as I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and most importantly, my health, both physical and mental, I am the richest person I can ever be! So in times like the holidays, which can be especially difficult for anyone struggling, I say, think about the things that you do have rather that what you hope to have. Today I am thankful that I am around family, I can share my thoughts with someone, and I am also hoping that somewhere, my words will be meaningful to someone.
Happy Easter Everybody!
