Healing with Time

Hello There!

It has certainly been a while since I last wrote. However, a lot has happened in my life since then. I finally completed my first year at the University of Toronto. This is a huge achievement for me as I dropped out after the midterms of my second semester in 2012 when I studied Human Biology. I never thought that I would be able to step back on that campus. It was a place where I had a lot of my symptoms: starving myself, exercising to exhaustion, and not to mention the terrible depression and anxiety I had as a result of my transition from high school to university. I was traumatized by my experience there.

Time really does work wonders when it comes to healing. The more time that went by, the more I understood that it was not the physical building that was traumatizing. I think this can apply to any scary experience. Something that my mum helped me work through was the fact that it was my experience there that was terrible. Not the actual location itself. The first time I returned there, I brought my mum to walk along with me. I'm not going to deny that there were a few tears and I was terrified. We begun with just driving around the neighbourhood where my university it located. Then we worked our way to driving around the actual campus, and then finally actually walking the same halls where 3 years ago I was a haunted, shell of a person.

Completing my first year- rather just going back to school was one of the best things I could have done for my recovery. It gave me the confidence that I could do it- I could complete something and do it successfully while loving every minute of it! This year, I did mainly English courses to get back into the whole "academia" world. I also did psychology and statistics- I loved it! What can I say? I'm a math nerd! ^_^

This brings me to my really exciting news! I have known for a while now that although English is my love and passion, I want to expand and integrate my science background into what I choose to do as a a career. Another topic of interest that I have always had is healthcare. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder, I know the struggle of being an overweight child, being bullied for it, not only by peers, but from my own dad as well. I know what its like to think that losing 10 pounds will make a guy like you- or even dance with you at those horrid elementary school dances...Therefore, I'm going to share with you my secret aspiration and dream. Ready?

I applied into Guelph's Applied Human Nutrition Program. I got in! :)

I understand that there is a possible dietetic internship once I graduate, however, I hope that I can do my masters and even a ph.D so that I can work on educating those who work in communities, especially with children, on nutrition, healthcare, and run programs specifically designed to show families that eating healthy is not that difficult. A life changing revelation that I learnt as a result of my many relapses has been that the saying "calories in=calories out" while not a 100% true, basically covers the gist of what it takes to lose or gain weight. In the hospital, I ate the "healthiest" foods and was tube fed around 1000 calories per night. I still gained all my weight back. So to summarize...

Yes you can eat that slice of cake. Yes you can have a burger once in a while. Yes, you can eat something deep fried. You may say that these are "unhealthy" or "bad" foods. I say, you are absolutely correct. You may then ask me "so why would I?" To which I reply, firstly, you don't have to. However, how sad is a world without ice cream? Honestly... Can you imagine never eating your fave dessert again?

On to my next point: when people judge the "healthiness" of foods, they mainly look at calories and fat, as well as the carbohydrates. Foods high in all three of the above are considered "bad." Why is this? Do these foods really "make you fat?" To which I PROMISE you...No they do not. Eating these foods occasionally and in moderation is okay. I work with the diabetic exchange system. One way of explaining this is that one serving of dessert is usually 3 choices- or around 300 calories. Through portioning you can "have your cake and eat it too!"

As a  recovering anorexic, I am not going to delude my readers into thinking that I am at the place  where I am ready to put a slice of cake or pie in my body. I really am trying hard to work my way up to that eventually. One way I am beginning to wrap my head around the whole concept, is to first eat "healthy" versions of these "bad" foods. By healthy I mean foods in which some of the ingredients such as butter and white flour are subbed out for applesauce and whole wheat flour to increase the food's nutritional value. When I say "increase" its nutritional value, its to make the food have a beneficial property that my body can use.

For example, when I have frozen yoghurt, I think okay, yes this is chock full of sugar...BUT it also has calcium..however little! and I like eating it...This is how I try to wrap my mind around the idea. I try to reframe my thinking. This is very helpful in talking back to your eating disorder voices. I looooove blueberry pancakes. I found some whole grain blueberry pancake mix, add an egg and a handful of blueberries, and voila! I eat pancakes!

What I have just highlighted above and told you is what I want more people to know. If I knew then what I know now about nutrition and health, I would be in a different place. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I also think that I was put on this earth to help people, especially kids, who like me are disempowered because of how they look. I want to help communities realize the importance of healthy nutritious food and be part of programs that facilitate this. I believe education can really change the world. That is why I write so much. That is why I write this blog. I try to convey my experience to you in the hopes that you may find it both useful, and that it may give you hope. I truly am excited about Guelph and after a long time, have rediscovered dreams, goals and aspirations!

It truly is a wonderful feeling and I am so thankful! As always, I hope you will message me with any questions/comments you may have!