Reading the title of this post probably made you go "hmm, I wonder what she means. " Let me explain. Part of what makes us depressed sometimes is that in our minds we have an idea of how something is "supposed" to be. We imagine scenarios and situations in the most perfect way possible, and when it doesn't go like we planned it to, we get horribly disappointed. One real example is my birthday this year. This is the first year where I expected NOTHING from anyone. Ever since I was a child, every single birthday has been spent in nervous anxiety wondering when my parents would throw me a surprise party (something I've wanted desperately). This year, upon turning 20, I expected nothing at all. I don't want any presents or to do anything special. With this in mind, the simple wishes and Facebook posts I get, keeps me feeling special, without having people go out of their way to let me know that they care. Its through expecting little, that you get the most out of life.
Expectations are a great barrier sometimes between what we imagine, aspire, and dream for ourselves and the actual reality of the situation. This could work both ways, in the good and the bad. Having Social Anxiety and struggling at any event with people such as parties and get togethers, I've slowly begun to realize that part of my fear and anxieties tend to revolve around my preconceptions of how the event will go. Before I go to every volunteer opportunity, I always am a little nervous, and saying that I'm sick or backing out last minute seems really appealing. However, I keep in mind the fact that when I actually am at the event, I thoroughly enjoy myself! In the past, my initial anxieties were so great, that I would give in and avoid the social event. This way I had no contact with other people and lost out on valuable experiences that might have been really good for me. It takes practice and a tremendous amount of will and determination to get over the initial anxieties. I always view them as a hill that I have to climb, before I get the reward at the top.
Speaking of volunteering, I cannot emphasize how rewarding it really is. Volunteering at HOPE has taught me perhaps one of the most important lessons of all; life as we know it can change at any moment and at any instant. Nothing is permanent in this life and nothing will stay as it is forever. This makes me appreciate each and every single moment I am alive on this earth. Appreciating the little things, such as a beautiful sunny day, or watching the fall leaves change colour, is what leads to a happier mind and body. I could always choose to focus on the negative, and in doing so, be sad and miserable. However, focusing on the positives of each and every situation, won't make the negatives go away, but for our own peace of mind, isn't it better to focus on what we DO have, rather than that never-ending list of what we DONT?
Just something to think about!
Tuesday 7 October 2014
Monday 6 October 2014
Sorry for not writing sooner!
With all the chaos of volunteering and the summer months, I am very sorry to have not written sooner. A quick update on my summer. We went to Washington D.C, where we went to the Lincoln Memorial, saw the White House, visited the Smithsonian and saw various other attractions. Washington truly is one of the cheapest vacation cities to go to as most of the attractions don't have an entry fee. The highlights of the trip was going to the Holocaust and the Aerospace (physics nerd that I am!) Museum.
Being at the Holocaust Museum and actually seeing the stories and pictures of actual people was a very sobering effect. It was a very sad place, and I think that its good that there are places like it all around the world, in order to ensure that we NEVER EVER forget the horrors of war. There is a beautiful room at the end of the museum filled with candles that you can light for the people who died during the holocaust. I saw many Jewish school children there, and it was very inspiring to see people of such a young age, take something so seriously and to be so respectful and sincere in a place like that. They really got the whole picture of what really happened and could understand the pain and suffering faced by the people during that time.
Other than going to Washington, I spent my summer days home eating ice-cream, barbecuing and having fun! On July 1, we went to see the Canada Day fireworks at our local park. It was an amazing experience, one that I never get tired of, year after year! Canada is truly such an amazing country and I am so fortunate to live in such a beautiful place. I am so thankful for everything this country has done for me. Especially, the health care program. In any other country, I would have been either really sick, or my parents would have been really poor in order to ensure that all the costs for my health issues were covered. I find that we take fore granted many of the things that we feel we are entitled to, like free healthcare, without realizing that in other countries, its not normal to have these privileges. Hence, I repeat, I LOVE CANADA!
Being at the Holocaust Museum and actually seeing the stories and pictures of actual people was a very sobering effect. It was a very sad place, and I think that its good that there are places like it all around the world, in order to ensure that we NEVER EVER forget the horrors of war. There is a beautiful room at the end of the museum filled with candles that you can light for the people who died during the holocaust. I saw many Jewish school children there, and it was very inspiring to see people of such a young age, take something so seriously and to be so respectful and sincere in a place like that. They really got the whole picture of what really happened and could understand the pain and suffering faced by the people during that time.
Other than going to Washington, I spent my summer days home eating ice-cream, barbecuing and having fun! On July 1, we went to see the Canada Day fireworks at our local park. It was an amazing experience, one that I never get tired of, year after year! Canada is truly such an amazing country and I am so fortunate to live in such a beautiful place. I am so thankful for everything this country has done for me. Especially, the health care program. In any other country, I would have been either really sick, or my parents would have been really poor in order to ensure that all the costs for my health issues were covered. I find that we take fore granted many of the things that we feel we are entitled to, like free healthcare, without realizing that in other countries, its not normal to have these privileges. Hence, I repeat, I LOVE CANADA!
Thursday 29 May 2014
Helping Other People Everyday (H.O.P.E)
Hey Readers!
Just checking in from another day filled to the brim with volunteer duties. Today was the H.O.P.E ministry's post-funeral luncheon. To put it simply, this organization provides a free lunch after a funeral occurs at the Parish. I got there early today (9am) and we started setting up for the reception.
We had to organize cups, napkins, make coffee etc. People who are part of this ministry, as well as the family of the deceased, provided the food.
On the luncheon menu, were sandwiches (egg, salmon, tuna, and roast beef), some from the Pickle Barrel, and others homemade.
There were 200 people expected so the tables were simply piled with food!
The deceased was an older gentleman, with 6 kids, and 14 grandchildren, who used to be a doctor and lived in Swan Lake, a retirement residence in our city.
Many of his friends, family, and patients were there for the funeral mass. He was to be cremated, so after the service, his casket got taken back to the funeral home, while his family and friends stayed to celebrate and share stories of his life. It was a beautiful service and I really enjoyed myself!
Just checking in from another day filled to the brim with volunteer duties. Today was the H.O.P.E ministry's post-funeral luncheon. To put it simply, this organization provides a free lunch after a funeral occurs at the Parish. I got there early today (9am) and we started setting up for the reception.
We had to organize cups, napkins, make coffee etc. People who are part of this ministry, as well as the family of the deceased, provided the food.
On the luncheon menu, were sandwiches (egg, salmon, tuna, and roast beef), some from the Pickle Barrel, and others homemade.
A large assortment of baked goods such as these decadent, chewy, chocolate fudge brownies
Dense and chewy coconut macaroons
Loaf cakes (golden, lemon, honey sponge (my faves!) and marble flavoured)
These lemon and raspberry tarts, almost too cute to eat.. I said almost..!
Pecan, coconut, peanut butter oatmeal, lemon treacle, and date squares
Two enormous trays of fruits and veggies with dip
Cookies of various kinds (pecan, ice box sugar, chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin)
And since they were of Japanese origin, the meal wasn't complete without some sushi!
There were 200 people expected so the tables were simply piled with food!
The deceased was an older gentleman, with 6 kids, and 14 grandchildren, who used to be a doctor and lived in Swan Lake, a retirement residence in our city.
Many of his friends, family, and patients were there for the funeral mass. He was to be cremated, so after the service, his casket got taken back to the funeral home, while his family and friends stayed to celebrate and share stories of his life. It was a beautiful service and I really enjoyed myself!
Monday 26 May 2014
Working with Seniors...An afternoon of Sandwiches and Bingo!
It was an amazing success! Today was the Senior Social at the church. I left late in the morning (needed to get bloodworm and an ECG done!), and after had lunch at Tims (homestyle bun with deli meats) and then went over to the church. Once I got there, I helped out with handing out name tags, and then went into the church for the short mass.
The seniors were the simply amazing! Something that always blows my mind away when I see any senior person, is the fact that, yes, there is a circle of life. To watch how similar seniors are to children, vulnerable, fragile and in need of special care and attention, simply fills me with awe. Since I love working with children so much, I should have known that I would really enjoy working with seniors also!
After mass, everyone was ushered into the main hall, where they were served coffee, tea and "finger sandwiches" (egg, salmon, and tuna salad on whole wheat bread...simple and yummy)! Then we cleared the tables, and brought out the dessert trays. There were a variety of different loaf cakes, mini dessert trays filled with lemon squares, small cinnamon buns, coffee cake, and tarts of various flavours.
Once the tables were cleared once again, we gave out bingo cards and they played bingo for the rest of the afternoon! While leaving, they had an opportunity to grab a book or two to read at home, wherever home is (retirement home, hospice, or private home).
Overall it was an amazing experience and I am so glad I did it!
The seniors were the simply amazing! Something that always blows my mind away when I see any senior person, is the fact that, yes, there is a circle of life. To watch how similar seniors are to children, vulnerable, fragile and in need of special care and attention, simply fills me with awe. Since I love working with children so much, I should have known that I would really enjoy working with seniors also!
After mass, everyone was ushered into the main hall, where they were served coffee, tea and "finger sandwiches" (egg, salmon, and tuna salad on whole wheat bread...simple and yummy)! Then we cleared the tables, and brought out the dessert trays. There were a variety of different loaf cakes, mini dessert trays filled with lemon squares, small cinnamon buns, coffee cake, and tarts of various flavours.
Once the tables were cleared once again, we gave out bingo cards and they played bingo for the rest of the afternoon! While leaving, they had an opportunity to grab a book or two to read at home, wherever home is (retirement home, hospice, or private home).
Overall it was an amazing experience and I am so glad I did it!
Saturday 24 May 2014
Volunteer Work...Something to consider!
Something I have been really excited about is volunteering. As I am currently out of school, and still not healthy enough to work, I decided to volunteer as a way of keeping busy. Now that its summer, its really easy to find many opportunities where I can donate my time and efforts to. Before I began, I made sure that I knew what I could handle and what I could not. I still get really high anxiety being out of the house past 4pm. This is because in my university days, I had to go to class in the evenings, and I have really bad memories associated with these times. Coincidentally, it was winter at that time, and I just have memories of shivering in my emaciated body waiting for the bus. I can only describe the feeling as J.K Rowling described the dementors:
“An intense cold swept over them all. Harry felt his own breath catch in his chest. The cold went deeper than his skin. It was inside his chest, it was inside his very heart. . . ."
Being underweight allows you to experience a whole new level of what cold is. I can tell you here and now that one of my biggest motivations to recover from anorexia is so that I will never feel that cold ever again! I will never forget it and will never wish it upon anybody. It is the worst feeling there is.
Anyways, (I know I tend to stray of topic!), back to volunteering. I knew that I could handle any task that would get me home before 4pm. For example, there was a group of women who go down to the Good Shepherd Soup Kitchen every second Thursday of the month. It is from 1pm-6pm. As therapeutic as feeding starving souls sounds, I knew I couldn't handle that right now, and I think one of the bravest and best things you can do for yourself, is to know just how much you can take on and that its ok if you can't do certain things. I volunteer through my church (I'm not at all religious btw, its just that the church had many opportunities available and it was easy to get the forms and things done as it is close to home and I can handle that!).
So far I have volunteered for 3 different "ministries", or volunteer positions. The first one; and this involves my whole family (can I just say that volunteering with your mum and dad takes family bonding to a whole new and awesome level. With eating disorders, its hard to do things like having dinner with the family or going to restaurants with them. Volunteering provides a way to socially interact with people, while bonding with your family, and at the same time skip the awkward eating parts!) This ministry is called "Coffee Sunday". Basically, after the 9:30 am mass, we serve coffee and cookies to the parish members. Its a great way to meet and talk to people, and you're not pressurized into eating anything, because of course you can use my go-to perfect excuse: "Oh I just had breakfast and I'm stuffed"...(Pat your belly for added emphasis! LOL ) Last Sunday was the first time my family did it, and we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! We have now been assigned the first and third Sundays of the month to volunteer for this ministry.
The next one, that's coming up this Monday, is the "Senior Social". Basically, its a little gathering of all the old folks in our church, and they come together and "party it up"... with bingo and prayer services of course! I have to and help with serving refreshments, handing out name tags, helping with bingo etc. It's from 1:30 to 3:30, (I can handle that), and I actually am really looking forward to it. I've worked with people of all ages, however, I've never worked with seniors before! Its going to be a new, and hopefully, rewarding experience.
The third ministry I'm involved with is called H.O.P.E- Helping Other People Everyday. Basically, they provide free post-funeral lunches for the mourners. I have to help set up and facilitate the whole event. THAT I'm super excited for! The last thing on my schedule right now, is baking cupcakes for Pentecost Sunday (June 8th), which happens to be the birthday of our church. Now this is something I can hardly wait to do!
Notice something dear reader. All these things, they give me an excuse to wake up, and go through the motions of daily life. When I'm struggling and really wanting to restrict, I keep a reminder of what I have to do, in order to help me get through the moment. It takes away all the attention from Anna, and focuses it on something else. It really is exhausting to devote every waking hour to Anna and what she wants. By keeping busy, and by setting these small goals for yourself, it makes everything so much easier! It gives you a reason for waking up in the morning and getting out of bed.
I hope that by reading this, you can be inspired to go find something you are passionate about, and engage in that activity, whatever it may be. Something outside your eating disorder. When you find it, and I promise you that this is true dear reader, it gives you something worth fighting for. In the end, you know that you are fighting, rather that an ally of Anna's. She is a crafty manipulative bitch who cannot be trusted. Therefore, divert at least 10% of your energy from her. At first it will be hard. And then, as practice indeed does make perfect, it will get easier and easier. Good luck finding your passion! All you need to do is look within you to find it...because at the end of the day, you are fucking amazing! And you are worth it. And even though I don't know you, I know exactly what you're feeling. I've been there and I've done that. And I really hope you know that you are not alone!
“An intense cold swept over them all. Harry felt his own breath catch in his chest. The cold went deeper than his skin. It was inside his chest, it was inside his very heart. . . ."
Being underweight allows you to experience a whole new level of what cold is. I can tell you here and now that one of my biggest motivations to recover from anorexia is so that I will never feel that cold ever again! I will never forget it and will never wish it upon anybody. It is the worst feeling there is.
Anyways, (I know I tend to stray of topic!), back to volunteering. I knew that I could handle any task that would get me home before 4pm. For example, there was a group of women who go down to the Good Shepherd Soup Kitchen every second Thursday of the month. It is from 1pm-6pm. As therapeutic as feeding starving souls sounds, I knew I couldn't handle that right now, and I think one of the bravest and best things you can do for yourself, is to know just how much you can take on and that its ok if you can't do certain things. I volunteer through my church (I'm not at all religious btw, its just that the church had many opportunities available and it was easy to get the forms and things done as it is close to home and I can handle that!).
So far I have volunteered for 3 different "ministries", or volunteer positions. The first one; and this involves my whole family (can I just say that volunteering with your mum and dad takes family bonding to a whole new and awesome level. With eating disorders, its hard to do things like having dinner with the family or going to restaurants with them. Volunteering provides a way to socially interact with people, while bonding with your family, and at the same time skip the awkward eating parts!) This ministry is called "Coffee Sunday". Basically, after the 9:30 am mass, we serve coffee and cookies to the parish members. Its a great way to meet and talk to people, and you're not pressurized into eating anything, because of course you can use my go-to perfect excuse: "Oh I just had breakfast and I'm stuffed"...(Pat your belly for added emphasis! LOL ) Last Sunday was the first time my family did it, and we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! We have now been assigned the first and third Sundays of the month to volunteer for this ministry.
The next one, that's coming up this Monday, is the "Senior Social". Basically, its a little gathering of all the old folks in our church, and they come together and "party it up"... with bingo and prayer services of course! I have to and help with serving refreshments, handing out name tags, helping with bingo etc. It's from 1:30 to 3:30, (I can handle that), and I actually am really looking forward to it. I've worked with people of all ages, however, I've never worked with seniors before! Its going to be a new, and hopefully, rewarding experience.
The third ministry I'm involved with is called H.O.P.E- Helping Other People Everyday. Basically, they provide free post-funeral lunches for the mourners. I have to help set up and facilitate the whole event. THAT I'm super excited for! The last thing on my schedule right now, is baking cupcakes for Pentecost Sunday (June 8th), which happens to be the birthday of our church. Now this is something I can hardly wait to do!
Notice something dear reader. All these things, they give me an excuse to wake up, and go through the motions of daily life. When I'm struggling and really wanting to restrict, I keep a reminder of what I have to do, in order to help me get through the moment. It takes away all the attention from Anna, and focuses it on something else. It really is exhausting to devote every waking hour to Anna and what she wants. By keeping busy, and by setting these small goals for yourself, it makes everything so much easier! It gives you a reason for waking up in the morning and getting out of bed.
I hope that by reading this, you can be inspired to go find something you are passionate about, and engage in that activity, whatever it may be. Something outside your eating disorder. When you find it, and I promise you that this is true dear reader, it gives you something worth fighting for. In the end, you know that you are fighting, rather that an ally of Anna's. She is a crafty manipulative bitch who cannot be trusted. Therefore, divert at least 10% of your energy from her. At first it will be hard. And then, as practice indeed does make perfect, it will get easier and easier. Good luck finding your passion! All you need to do is look within you to find it...because at the end of the day, you are fucking amazing! And you are worth it. And even though I don't know you, I know exactly what you're feeling. I've been there and I've done that. And I really hope you know that you are not alone!
Art Therapy Examples
Some examples of my work (and fair warning, I suck at art!):
To keep me grounded and to remind me why I want to recover:
Positive Self-Affirmations:
A Mandala in which the quote at the end of this post is written:
"By starving yourself, you feed your inner demon"
Inspiring Quotes:
A Recovery Wall
A reminder that Anorexia is an unhealthy way of dealing with unpleasant feelings, kind of like an alcoholic who drinks to "drown his/her sorrows."
Art Therapy, Treatment, and other helpful coping methods!
Hey readers!
I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. I've been so busy lately. Let's give you an update of everything that's going on right now. Well, lets get back to basics- my physical and mental health. I saw my doc about a month ago. He reduced my medications, which I thought was awesome at the time, yet now I am really reconsidering it. I also meet with my family doc at least once every two weeks to do blood work, ECGs and weigh ins. My weight has not changed much, it actually dropped a bit from one weekend when I was really sick. I needed to find a way to gain it back, and I got an amazing idea from my family doc about how I could do so.
Basically, you increase your caloric intake by really small amounts. This could be as little as 5, 10, 25 , or 50 calories a day. This increase will make minimal changes to your weight (especially if you are active). You increase your weight at a pace that you alone are comfortable with. I feel like this could really work, because when I was in treatment, we got a 300 calorie per day increase each week if we didn't gain the required amount (1-2kg). This method was just terrifying and horrific. Before you knew what hit you, you're at a "normal" weight. Yet, the long term prognosis is that if you are not ready to be a certain weight, you cannot recover. This comes from my own personal experience.
At Credit Valley, they drugged us and bubble-wrapped us so much, that when I was discharged and life actually hit me in the face, with all its responsibilities and triggers, I couldn't deal. That's the reality of treatment. I don't want to crush all your hopes and dreams about going into treatment, however, I want to make it very clear that you don't go into treatment, and get "fixed". That's just not how it works. What going into treatment entails is learning enough coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness, emotion vs. wise mind, and many other DBT and CBT skills to get you through the day.
I still live some days where I wake up and basically do things in an automated way, because mentally, I'm too tired from Anna bitching at me. Those are the days where I literally have to break down simple tasks into steps in order to ensure I don't go batshit crazy! Those days feel like this: Wake up, Breathe, Eat, Survive until the end of the day when I can take my meds and go back to bed.
Other days, things are a little easier. When you slowly start replacing the thoughts Anna puts into your head with other things, you tend to feel much better! For example, something I do when I am in a really bad place is art therapy. I cannot emphasize how much this helps. Here's an example:
Anna is bitching at me because I ate 50 extra calories :
First, I acknowledge the fact that she's pissed.
Then I acknowledge the fact that it is ANNA, not myself, who is angry.
I know that my body needs as many nutrients as it can get (that's my wise mind speaking!).
Then I recognize the thoughts that keep popping up in my head. I go over to my pintrest page, and click on this board:
http://www.pinterest.com/cassyhighland/anorexia-recovery-aids/
I just scroll down the page. Grab a couple of markers, some paper, colour pencils and funky pens, and start "artistically" writing out the quotes on a paper and for every thought that Anna has, I replace, with one of these quotes. It really distracts you and keeps your mind off the noise of Anna's bitching. My room is filled with posters that I've made, and Mandalas (another miracle to distract you from Anna) and inspiring quotes. This is just something I do to help calm me down. It is one of the most therapeutic things!
Another thing I do, is I write down every thought that Anna has on half of a piece of paper. I mark one side "What Anna Thinks", and the other "What I KNOW". For every horrible or nasty thought she puts in my mind, on the opposite side I write something to argue back. This proves to yourself that you do have a voice and you do get to be heard. It's a way to take back a little control over the noise that's in your head!
Lastly, the most important thing I've realized....ANNA IS AN UGLY EGOTISTICAL SELF ABSORBED BITCH! She is not my friend. She is the devil that lives inside me. I'm going to end this post with an inspiring quote I found:
"By starving yourself, you feed your inner demon"
Just something to think about!
I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. I've been so busy lately. Let's give you an update of everything that's going on right now. Well, lets get back to basics- my physical and mental health. I saw my doc about a month ago. He reduced my medications, which I thought was awesome at the time, yet now I am really reconsidering it. I also meet with my family doc at least once every two weeks to do blood work, ECGs and weigh ins. My weight has not changed much, it actually dropped a bit from one weekend when I was really sick. I needed to find a way to gain it back, and I got an amazing idea from my family doc about how I could do so.
Basically, you increase your caloric intake by really small amounts. This could be as little as 5, 10, 25 , or 50 calories a day. This increase will make minimal changes to your weight (especially if you are active). You increase your weight at a pace that you alone are comfortable with. I feel like this could really work, because when I was in treatment, we got a 300 calorie per day increase each week if we didn't gain the required amount (1-2kg). This method was just terrifying and horrific. Before you knew what hit you, you're at a "normal" weight. Yet, the long term prognosis is that if you are not ready to be a certain weight, you cannot recover. This comes from my own personal experience.
At Credit Valley, they drugged us and bubble-wrapped us so much, that when I was discharged and life actually hit me in the face, with all its responsibilities and triggers, I couldn't deal. That's the reality of treatment. I don't want to crush all your hopes and dreams about going into treatment, however, I want to make it very clear that you don't go into treatment, and get "fixed". That's just not how it works. What going into treatment entails is learning enough coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness, emotion vs. wise mind, and many other DBT and CBT skills to get you through the day.
I still live some days where I wake up and basically do things in an automated way, because mentally, I'm too tired from Anna bitching at me. Those are the days where I literally have to break down simple tasks into steps in order to ensure I don't go batshit crazy! Those days feel like this: Wake up, Breathe, Eat, Survive until the end of the day when I can take my meds and go back to bed.
Other days, things are a little easier. When you slowly start replacing the thoughts Anna puts into your head with other things, you tend to feel much better! For example, something I do when I am in a really bad place is art therapy. I cannot emphasize how much this helps. Here's an example:
Anna is bitching at me because I ate 50 extra calories :
First, I acknowledge the fact that she's pissed.
Then I acknowledge the fact that it is ANNA, not myself, who is angry.
I know that my body needs as many nutrients as it can get (that's my wise mind speaking!).
Then I recognize the thoughts that keep popping up in my head. I go over to my pintrest page, and click on this board:
http://www.pinterest.com/cassyhighland/anorexia-recovery-aids/
I just scroll down the page. Grab a couple of markers, some paper, colour pencils and funky pens, and start "artistically" writing out the quotes on a paper and for every thought that Anna has, I replace, with one of these quotes. It really distracts you and keeps your mind off the noise of Anna's bitching. My room is filled with posters that I've made, and Mandalas (another miracle to distract you from Anna) and inspiring quotes. This is just something I do to help calm me down. It is one of the most therapeutic things!
Another thing I do, is I write down every thought that Anna has on half of a piece of paper. I mark one side "What Anna Thinks", and the other "What I KNOW". For every horrible or nasty thought she puts in my mind, on the opposite side I write something to argue back. This proves to yourself that you do have a voice and you do get to be heard. It's a way to take back a little control over the noise that's in your head!
Lastly, the most important thing I've realized....ANNA IS AN UGLY EGOTISTICAL SELF ABSORBED BITCH! She is not my friend. She is the devil that lives inside me. I'm going to end this post with an inspiring quote I found:
"By starving yourself, you feed your inner demon"
Just something to think about!
Saturday 5 April 2014
Dear Anna... A letter to the bitch that ruined my life...
It seems as
though I always thought that you were a part of me. That you were my voice, and
that your thoughts, feelings and opinions were mine. Perhaps this is because
you look, sound and feel exactly like me, and in many ways you are me. When I
see you in my head, you appear as a taller, thinner more beautiful version of
myself. You are beautiful, strong, and in the habit of getting whatever you
want.
It is truly
ironic that you are so beautiful, because I know now how ugly you really are on
the inside. Revenge. Payback. Anger. The all or nothing attitude. All those
expectations you had for me. You made me not want anything for myself. You
erased all my goals, severed all my relationships with the people I loved and
made me feel alone, isolated, frustrated, and scared. You tricked me into
thinking that recovery would not be worth it. That if I recovered my parents
would ignore me again. I would have to go to parties again and interact with
people. I did not need friends, and I did not need to be a part of a world
where no one understood me and everything and everyone irritated me.
For the past
year, I have been resisting you and this has made it easier to see through all
the lies you keep feeding me. It is easier now to see your ugliness. You are a
siren, tempting me with your beauty and promise of love, friendship, comfort
and satisfaction. These are all things that you initially gave me, but the more
I wanted, the higher price I had to pay.
Initially, I
thought that if I listened to you, if I got thinner, I would get it all. I
would have friends, get good grades at school, and be the best version of
myself possible. If I just lost another pound, I’d fit into that perfect prom
dress. If I lost another, I would look amazing and confident as I crossed the
stage to get my diploma. A few more pounds, and I could run across the beach in
my swimsuit without worrying about looking fat. Just a few more, and getting
ready for university would be so much easier. After all, you do save time not
changing 10 times each morning trying to find an outfit you feel comfortable
in.
Eventually,
the price to pay got really high. The line between what I wanted and what you
wanted me to want for myself was blurred. Then one day, when I was in so much
pain that I could hardly bear to be alive anymore, I realized that it was just
not worth it anymore. I realized that all this time I was just existing, rather
than really living my life. This was no way to live and I decided to get help.
These past 6
weeks have been some of the most life-changing, challenging, and frustrating
ones I have ever had to go through. Yet, every tear, every urge that you beat
me up for not turning into a symptom, is worth how amazing I feel right now.
You used to make me thing that strength was staying days being hungry, or
running miles on an injured foot. In the past six weeks, I have realized that
yes, that was brave and courageous, yet, not exercising when every fibre of my
body is craving that high I get from exercise, is just as, in fact, more
courageous than giving into those urges.
As I am
slowly breaking away from the strong hold you had on me, I have so much more
clarity on why I ended up being with you in the first place. You took on the
controlling, methodical and strict role my parents had on me as a child. When
my parents gave up that role, you picked up the pieces. I was scared to make my
own decisions and of growing up, which is why I let you make all my decisions
for me. You prevented me from getting an education, finding meaningful
relationships, and growing into the person, I am supposed to be.
I do not
know if what you offered me is what I am meant to be, or if there is something
else out there. I just know that I’m trying an experiment right now. I am
taking some time off from you. I’m giving the small, weak, voice in my head
that I know is truly my voice, a chance to be heard. This is my time to shine.
This is my time to speak and to be heard. This time I am giving myself a
chance. As I write this, I can feel you sneering at me, telling me that I will
hate who I am without you. Maybe I will, or maybe not. I just know that for
right now, in this moment, not being in hungry and not having every bone in my
body ache is good enough.
I am scared
to let go of you. I am terrified about going forward in life without you
holding my hand. I am scared to walk the path I am meant to walk alone. My
parents, friends, and the staff here in the program have taken your place.
Eventually, I know that I might have to do this by myself, that I will always
want to turn back and come to you again for comfort. I hope that by then, I
will be strong enough to not fall back into your trap.
I have spent
too much of my life counting calories, instead of counting my blessings. I am
tired of that way of living and I want a new life for myself. Even though I am
scared, I want to give myself a chance. I never take the easy way out and I
know that one day things will get better. Life is not always going to be this
hard and its time I lived my life the way I want to live it. I am worth the
fight. I deserve food and I deserve to eat without feeling guilt or shame. I
deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a chance to live.
The Body and the Soul...a Philosophical view point.
The soul of a man is an intellectual soul that is capable of
understanding the natures of things. Plato and Socrates thought that the soul
and the body are two separate entities and that an external “God-like” force produces
the soul. It is perfectly understandable then to think that the soul is
imprisoned in the body. Taking Socrates and Plato’s idea of the soul,
specifically that it is trapped in the body and drives the body to be the way
it is, it would be logical to think that the soul would be trapped inside the
vessel. It is important to understand that the soul is seen as divine and pure.
It is not sentient, but is universal. However, since the soul is inside the
body, it experiences reality through the body. Therefore, the prisons of the
body also become the prisons for the soul. These prisons are the appetite for
food, luxury, pleasure and such sentient things. It is only when the body and
the intellect is free of these prisons, through philosophy, that the soul can
also be freed.
Can the soul be a
prison for the body? Aristotle saw the body and soul as a whole; one cannot
survive without the other. The soul contains the organizing principle of the
living thing. This organizing principle allows the secondary matter to become
what it is. The soul essentially puts the secondary matter together to form the
human being. This means that the soul is responsible for making the body what
it is. The body and the soul are united into one form. The soul acts as the
controlling headquarters that directs the way the body behaves and is formed.
According to Aristotle, the body is not the prison for the soul or the soul a
prison for the body. Rather, they both are co-dependent on each other and they
cannot survive alone.
My blogging promise to you!
I wake up on a windy, gray Saturday morning. It still shocks me that my first thought as I open my eyes is not "I hope the weather's good, so that I can go for a run." Instead a much more welcoming thought of "hmm... lets see what to eat for breakfast" enters my mind. As you read this, you probably are going... uh oh... we have a lazy blogger here who thinks of nothing but food. I do agree that I do spend a lot of time thinking about food. Yet, I'm not lazy. Far from it, in fact. Thinking about food and actually eating is really hard work for me. I am a recovering anorexic, and I'm working hard to get over this illness and move on with my life.
People might dramatize eating disorders, or minimize them by saying that it's a "first world" illness or only the "rich can afford to have an eating disorder." To be completely honest, before I had anorexia, I thought so too. Losing weight seemed like something society would look favourably upon and encourage even. Heck, the first time I heard about "anorexia" was on an episode of "Degrassi", where Emma ate only carrots to lose weight for a photo shoot. By the end of the episode, she get's hospitalized and then becomes all "better."
What the show fails to mention is that going into a hospital and getting re-fed, scratches only the surface of the illness. That once you stop eating and develop a fear of the most basic element needed for survival, your world is never the same. This blog is going to be about my daily reflections trying to make sense of my illness. In the noise that I now recognize as the sound of my eating disorder, I am going to share my daily reflections of life, and day-to-day musings. I've hidden my illness for a long time, about 6 years in fact. I'm not going to spend another day hiding behind it and being ashamed of it. It is a part of me, just like the birthmarks on my body, or the freckles on my skin. Unfortunately, this part of me dictates a huge part of who I am, and my constant struggle is learning to live without having it do so. I hope you enjoy reading through my blog, and can draw inspiration from it!
Monthly Check In!
Since I last wrote, a lot has changed. To begin with, I left Toronto General after about a month. Just being in treatment again, when I was so fresh out of Credit Valley's program, was exhausting and I was burnt out! However, just because I stopped going to a hospital to eat my meals, doesn't mean that I've stopped eating altogether!
I have kept up with my meal plan. You may wonder what that is. Well, let me explain it to you, dear reader. I eat what a "normal" person eats, calorically speaking. To break it down even more, each meal consists of what the eating disorder dieticians call "choices". Essentially, choices are synonymous to calories. For example, an apple, would be 1 fruit choice.
These choices can be moved around based on how hungry/full you are during the day. I am very hungry in the evenings and early in the mornings so I consume the majority of my calories at that time.
So here's my meal plan:
Breakfast:
Consists of 5 choices- this can be a package of oatmeal with a cup of milk (depending on the oatmeal type, altogether it can either be 2 or 3 choices. For example, an oatmeal package with a caloric value of 150 or higher, would be 2 choices. When prepared with a cup of milk AKA 1 choice, it would make 3 choices all together). Along with this, I usually add a boiled egg, a fruit, or a small 100g yoghurt. I usually do cottage cheese in the morning as it keeps me feeling full until lunch
Breakfast #1: Quaker High Protein Cereal with a cup of soy milk (3 choices in total)
Cottage Cheese (1) and
an Orange (1)
Breakfast #2: 1.5 cups of bran flakes with 1 cup of soy milk (3 choices)
Cottage cheese or yoghurt (1)
Fruit (1)
Breakfast #3: 1/2 Bagel w/ 1tbsp cream cheese and a boiled egg (3)
Cottage cheese or yoghurt (1)
Fruit (1)
Breakfast #4: Toast w/ 1 tbsp peanut butter (2)
Cottage cheese and yoghurt (2)
Fruit (1)
Lunch:
In order to normalize our eating as much as possible, and fit in with what the general population eat, we did sandwiches for lunch. This is a quick and easy way to get in a meal during your day to day activity.
The sandwich includes:
3 choices of protein (e.g. 1 slice cheese and 2 slices of deli meat)
2 starch choices (2 slices bread, or a large pita)
An added fat (a tsp of margarine or a tbsp of dressing)
After the sandwich, we have a "high energy" dessert food that can either be a dense 3 choice item (a cup of ice cream, a slice of pie or cake) or a combination of a 2 choice and 1 choice item (1/2 a cup of ice cream, or 3 cookies, or a granola bar >150 calories for a 2 choice), and a piece of fruit or a 1/2 a cup of pudding or yoghurt for a 1 choice item.
Snack:
3pm Snack: Usually I do a cappuccino with a cup of milk (1 choice) along with fruit and a yoghurt, to make my snack a total of 3 choices.
I combine what would be my late night snack, with my dinner, to have another high energy at the end of the day, since this is when I am really hungry.
Dinner:
This usually consists of oven roasted chicken breast, veggies, pasta with sauce and ice cream for dessert. Sometimes I do a muffin, with greek yoghurt for dessert. I currently have around 4 different dinners that I do.
Dinner #1:
Dinner #3:
I hope this helps and gives you some meal ideas. I've been able to maintain my weight with minimal activity. You may be scared to give it a try, and all I can say is, trust me! I used to be scared, but now I realize that in the end, it all comes down to numbers and science. As long as calorie intake is equal to calorie output, you will not gain weight. I'm living proof of this. It really does work! Please feel free to share your thoughts and ask any questions you may have!
I have kept up with my meal plan. You may wonder what that is. Well, let me explain it to you, dear reader. I eat what a "normal" person eats, calorically speaking. To break it down even more, each meal consists of what the eating disorder dieticians call "choices". Essentially, choices are synonymous to calories. For example, an apple, would be 1 fruit choice.
These choices can be moved around based on how hungry/full you are during the day. I am very hungry in the evenings and early in the mornings so I consume the majority of my calories at that time.
So here's my meal plan:
Breakfast:
Consists of 5 choices- this can be a package of oatmeal with a cup of milk (depending on the oatmeal type, altogether it can either be 2 or 3 choices. For example, an oatmeal package with a caloric value of 150 or higher, would be 2 choices. When prepared with a cup of milk AKA 1 choice, it would make 3 choices all together). Along with this, I usually add a boiled egg, a fruit, or a small 100g yoghurt. I usually do cottage cheese in the morning as it keeps me feeling full until lunch
Breakfast #1: Quaker High Protein Cereal with a cup of soy milk (3 choices in total)
Cottage Cheese (1) and
an Orange (1)
Breakfast #2: 1.5 cups of bran flakes with 1 cup of soy milk (3 choices)
Cottage cheese or yoghurt (1)
Fruit (1)
Breakfast #3: 1/2 Bagel w/ 1tbsp cream cheese and a boiled egg (3)
Cottage cheese or yoghurt (1)
Fruit (1)
Breakfast #4: Toast w/ 1 tbsp peanut butter (2)
Cottage cheese and yoghurt (2)
Fruit (1)
Lunch:
In order to normalize our eating as much as possible, and fit in with what the general population eat, we did sandwiches for lunch. This is a quick and easy way to get in a meal during your day to day activity.
The sandwich includes:
3 choices of protein (e.g. 1 slice cheese and 2 slices of deli meat)
2 starch choices (2 slices bread, or a large pita)
An added fat (a tsp of margarine or a tbsp of dressing)
After the sandwich, we have a "high energy" dessert food that can either be a dense 3 choice item (a cup of ice cream, a slice of pie or cake) or a combination of a 2 choice and 1 choice item (1/2 a cup of ice cream, or 3 cookies, or a granola bar >150 calories for a 2 choice), and a piece of fruit or a 1/2 a cup of pudding or yoghurt for a 1 choice item.
Snack:
3pm Snack: Usually I do a cappuccino with a cup of milk (1 choice) along with fruit and a yoghurt, to make my snack a total of 3 choices.
I combine what would be my late night snack, with my dinner, to have another high energy at the end of the day, since this is when I am really hungry.
Dinner:
This usually consists of oven roasted chicken breast, veggies, pasta with sauce and ice cream for dessert. Sometimes I do a muffin, with greek yoghurt for dessert. I currently have around 4 different dinners that I do.
Dinner #1:
- Oven Roasted Chicken breast (3 protein)
- 1/2 cup brown rice pilaff with veggies (1 protein and 1 veggie choice along with an added fat to season the rice and veggies)
- 1 cup of ice-cream (3 choices)
Dinner #2:
- Pasta w/ tomato sauce (1 starch and 1 vegetable with added fat)
- Chicken or tofu (3 protein)
- Small muffin (2 choices) and yoghurt (1)
Dinner #3:
- 1/2 cup lentil curry with tofu and veggies (3 protein, 1 veggie, 1 fat)
- 1/2 cup brown rice (1 starch)
- Brownie (3 choices)
I hope this helps and gives you some meal ideas. I've been able to maintain my weight with minimal activity. You may be scared to give it a try, and all I can say is, trust me! I used to be scared, but now I realize that in the end, it all comes down to numbers and science. As long as calorie intake is equal to calorie output, you will not gain weight. I'm living proof of this. It really does work! Please feel free to share your thoughts and ask any questions you may have!
Saturday 18 January 2014
The Recovery Experiment
For most of my life, I had a goal. A simple one. To be skinny. Since I was a little girl, I have been insecure about my body and had really bad body image. When I moved to Canada, in 2005, that's when I was first introduced to what I thought was "healthy eating" and dieting. Being overweight as a child, I started dieting in order to cope with the changes that I could not control around me. I became very conscious about my food choices at parties, taking only what I thought to be "healthy" and not taking a large portion or seconds of anything. The first few months after I had moved here from India, I remember being very scared and feeling trapped and alone. I thought that no one understood how homesick I was and life was just plain miserable.
I first lost a lot of weight when I learnt how to swim, and swam religiously in our apartment pool every day in the summer of 2007. That's when I first discovered that weight loss is possible if you increase your physical activity, and decrease your food intake. I started exercising in Gr. 8 when gym was no longer a time to have fun, rather, an opportunity to lose weight. I had a "best friend", and I put that in quotations, because looking back now, I know that she was not a friend, based on the way she treated me. After being called fat by several other classmates, I decided that the only way I'd be popular, smart, and get at least one guy talking to me and acknowledge me as the pretty, smart, talented girl I longed to be, was to lose weight. Gr. 8 is where I first started exercising solely for the purpose of weight loss.
I continued to take gym my first two years of high school. That's when I discovered how much I loved long distance running. I was not a very good runner in elementary schools, and I recall many embarrassing memories of gym class in India, where I was bullied by my teachers, as well as other classmates, because I couldn't run a particular distance within a certain time. I also remember being a very scared child who was traumatized by the rowdy older Indian children who pushed, shoved and ran around the playground like wild animals. So, when I rediscovered something that I've never been good at, I was determined to be amazing at it.
It started innocently enough. It would be 5 laps up and down the soccer field, everyday, that soon turned into 10. I started compulsively exercising when I was in Gr. 11. Rain, Hail or snow, you'd find me running laps in the park everyday after school. Then the rules started... rules such as, you could only eat after you exercised. Or, you HAVE to run everyday, no matter what. Then, when I went to Gr. 12, thats when it got out of control. I dropped 10 pounds during that year in order to get ready for prom. I had bought my dress in April, but by the time May came around, it was loose for me. I still remember the thrill I felt when my mum had to sew it up a bit to make sure it stayed on. Finally, it seemed as though a dream that felt miles away, was coming closer and closer. I remember my Prom, and what actually stuck with me, and made me the happiest girl in the world, was that it was the first time my mum called me beautiful. Every core belief I had was reinforced in that simple statement. As she said it, I immediately felt that being thinner than I was, and looking a certain way, I would get love and have people notice me.
As graduation loomed ahead, as well as the stress of final exams, and university, I continued to exercise and lose weight. By the end of the summer, I was biking and running everyday, twice a day, ardently. My family went on a trip to Prince Edward Island that summer, and I remember eating only salads, and exercising during the trip as well.
September loomed ahead, and before I knew it, I was in university. That's when all hell broke loose. Included with my admission, was a gym membership. That's when I discovered the treadmill, and the addictive numbers that I always wanted to beat. The calories burned was always important, as well as the distance I ran. It got to the point where I used to run half marathons each day, everyday, and then go on those biking machines. By then, I was already also doing planks, sit ups, and wall sits to strengthen and tone my muscles. It became an addictive game to play. It was about running for that extra mile, or biking for those extra minutes. I pushed myself physically, while severely restricting my caloric intake. With all the stress of school, I became really anxious, depressed, and suicidal. I remember one incident of me crying in bed, and my mum coming up to me and saying "you have to go to school, so that you can be somebody when you grow up." I also remember thinking "I don't think I can live like this anymore." I self-harmed a lot during that year and continued exercising and restricting. I don't know how, but I passed all my courses that first semester.
By the end of December, my parents knew that there was a serious problem. I refused to eat if I didn't exercise, and once, after a really bad snowstorm where I was forced to stay home, I had a nervous breakdown. My parents rushed me to the emergency room of Rouge Valley Hospital, where they weighed me. I had then dropped down to 88 lbs. My parents spent the next few weeks desperately seeking the help they knew I needed.
By the middle of March, I was burnt out, and was forced to drop out of university. I had an assessment at Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga, and was admitted into their inpatient program on April 22nd, 2013. My health was in an abominable state then, and I was only 72 lbs. I completed my inpatient stay in June, moved onto day hospital, and then transition when my weight was restored. In September, after a really long wait, I got to move back home (I was living with an aunt who lived close to the hospital), and got two jobs, and dove right back in to the reality that was my life. By the end of October, I knew that something was not going very well. I started to lose weight, which ended up snowballing into a relapse.
I knew that I didn't want it to turn as bad as it was the last time, so I went to Toronto General, and requested their help. I got an assessment with them, and was then put on the waiting list for their day hospital. On January, 6th, I started day hospital. This blog was created to record my findings about recovery. I have often seen a coping strategy that says to treat recovery as an experiment. As a science student, I find this very interesting. Knowing that I can relapse if I don't like the end result, and controlling weight is not an impossible feat, is a great comfort and coping mechanism to help me stay symptom free and on board with my meal plan!
I first lost a lot of weight when I learnt how to swim, and swam religiously in our apartment pool every day in the summer of 2007. That's when I first discovered that weight loss is possible if you increase your physical activity, and decrease your food intake. I started exercising in Gr. 8 when gym was no longer a time to have fun, rather, an opportunity to lose weight. I had a "best friend", and I put that in quotations, because looking back now, I know that she was not a friend, based on the way she treated me. After being called fat by several other classmates, I decided that the only way I'd be popular, smart, and get at least one guy talking to me and acknowledge me as the pretty, smart, talented girl I longed to be, was to lose weight. Gr. 8 is where I first started exercising solely for the purpose of weight loss.
I continued to take gym my first two years of high school. That's when I discovered how much I loved long distance running. I was not a very good runner in elementary schools, and I recall many embarrassing memories of gym class in India, where I was bullied by my teachers, as well as other classmates, because I couldn't run a particular distance within a certain time. I also remember being a very scared child who was traumatized by the rowdy older Indian children who pushed, shoved and ran around the playground like wild animals. So, when I rediscovered something that I've never been good at, I was determined to be amazing at it.
It started innocently enough. It would be 5 laps up and down the soccer field, everyday, that soon turned into 10. I started compulsively exercising when I was in Gr. 11. Rain, Hail or snow, you'd find me running laps in the park everyday after school. Then the rules started... rules such as, you could only eat after you exercised. Or, you HAVE to run everyday, no matter what. Then, when I went to Gr. 12, thats when it got out of control. I dropped 10 pounds during that year in order to get ready for prom. I had bought my dress in April, but by the time May came around, it was loose for me. I still remember the thrill I felt when my mum had to sew it up a bit to make sure it stayed on. Finally, it seemed as though a dream that felt miles away, was coming closer and closer. I remember my Prom, and what actually stuck with me, and made me the happiest girl in the world, was that it was the first time my mum called me beautiful. Every core belief I had was reinforced in that simple statement. As she said it, I immediately felt that being thinner than I was, and looking a certain way, I would get love and have people notice me.
As graduation loomed ahead, as well as the stress of final exams, and university, I continued to exercise and lose weight. By the end of the summer, I was biking and running everyday, twice a day, ardently. My family went on a trip to Prince Edward Island that summer, and I remember eating only salads, and exercising during the trip as well.
September loomed ahead, and before I knew it, I was in university. That's when all hell broke loose. Included with my admission, was a gym membership. That's when I discovered the treadmill, and the addictive numbers that I always wanted to beat. The calories burned was always important, as well as the distance I ran. It got to the point where I used to run half marathons each day, everyday, and then go on those biking machines. By then, I was already also doing planks, sit ups, and wall sits to strengthen and tone my muscles. It became an addictive game to play. It was about running for that extra mile, or biking for those extra minutes. I pushed myself physically, while severely restricting my caloric intake. With all the stress of school, I became really anxious, depressed, and suicidal. I remember one incident of me crying in bed, and my mum coming up to me and saying "you have to go to school, so that you can be somebody when you grow up." I also remember thinking "I don't think I can live like this anymore." I self-harmed a lot during that year and continued exercising and restricting. I don't know how, but I passed all my courses that first semester.
By the end of December, my parents knew that there was a serious problem. I refused to eat if I didn't exercise, and once, after a really bad snowstorm where I was forced to stay home, I had a nervous breakdown. My parents rushed me to the emergency room of Rouge Valley Hospital, where they weighed me. I had then dropped down to 88 lbs. My parents spent the next few weeks desperately seeking the help they knew I needed.
By the middle of March, I was burnt out, and was forced to drop out of university. I had an assessment at Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga, and was admitted into their inpatient program on April 22nd, 2013. My health was in an abominable state then, and I was only 72 lbs. I completed my inpatient stay in June, moved onto day hospital, and then transition when my weight was restored. In September, after a really long wait, I got to move back home (I was living with an aunt who lived close to the hospital), and got two jobs, and dove right back in to the reality that was my life. By the end of October, I knew that something was not going very well. I started to lose weight, which ended up snowballing into a relapse.
I knew that I didn't want it to turn as bad as it was the last time, so I went to Toronto General, and requested their help. I got an assessment with them, and was then put on the waiting list for their day hospital. On January, 6th, I started day hospital. This blog was created to record my findings about recovery. I have often seen a coping strategy that says to treat recovery as an experiment. As a science student, I find this very interesting. Knowing that I can relapse if I don't like the end result, and controlling weight is not an impossible feat, is a great comfort and coping mechanism to help me stay symptom free and on board with my meal plan!
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