My Mom

My Life, my Love and the Driving Force of my Recovery

Exactly 24 hours after I posted my last entry, I found out that my mother was diagnosed with stage 2 aggressive breast cancer. I am devastated. To give you a better idea of how important my mum is to me, let me start of by saying that when I first went into Credit Valley, the only reason I went was because of my mom. When I admitted myself into hospital the second time, and was put on a tube, the only person I wanted more than anyone else was my mom. She is the one who came to me as soon as I called her; stayed with me until late at night, and with shaking hands, fed me soup because I was too weak to eat it by myself. She is the person who will drop whatever she is doing to come home and comfort me because I am having a meltdown over guests at my house. She is the person who tells me that I am good enough each and everyday and sets the best example of what unconditional love really is by loving me every single day.

My mum is my everything. Without her, my world would stop spinning. The pain I feel from what she has to go through tomorrow (a mastectomy and then chemotherapy for an unknown period of time) cripples me and stuns me into a confused state of mind. For the first time in a very very long time, I couldn't care less about Anna, my weight or, myself. I am not the priority, I am no longer the sick one, and it is my turn to help her and be strong for her in her time of need.

One way of looking at this, is to say, that I have been tested by fate too much. This is too hard and this is why I can stop trying. However, I see this diagnosis as one of the most eyeopening events in my recovery journey. Having an eating disorder, Anna tricked me into thinking that I has a sense of control over everything that went on in my life. As long as I controlled my food and weight, I also controlled my relationships with family, friends, as well as my emotions. Having an eating disorder gave me an escape from facing the normal, day-to-day struggles and pains of real life.

Today, I am writing this post, because I had a revolutionary realization; that although Anna thought she was in control by constantly keeping me engaged in my eating disorder behaviours, life is really not in my control. Even though I have an eating disorder, my mum still got cancer, just like even though I have an eating disorder, time still passes and the seasons keep changing as they're supposed to. This is not about Anna, depression, anxiety, or mental illness; its the fact that I have mental illness along with the realities and hardships of life. As the saying goes, "time and tide waits for no one."  Having anorexia hasn't protected me from pain, as I thought it initially would. I think have anorexia, has made me feel a much higher degree of pain instead. I wish that I had friends and people that I could share my feelings and fears with, yet because of my illness I have no friends. It breaks my heart that I haven't eaten anything my mum has cooked for me in almost 3 years. I am so sad that I missed out on all the times where I could have cooked and had a meal with her.

I am sad that I am not the daughter I should have been. That I' m not strong enough to face this situation or be of comfort to my two younger sisters. It breaks my heart that in a time when my mum is most  vulnerable, all she worries about is me, rather than her own health. I also feel guilty for all the anger I feel inside me; I know its normal to be angry, yet, now it pains me so much to be around her or talk to her or even look at her. I know this is my way of coping. My way of pushing and distancing myself away from those that I love to help numb a bit of the pain.

For the first time in my life, I am imagining a world without my mother in it, and that is a world I am very scared to be in. I think this is my ultimate test of strength, the final point, the maximum I can be pushed. I am not saying that its fair, yet this is the situation and I have nothing to do but accept it. Anna can very easily take over entirely right now, yet, I'm beginning to realize that even if she does, it'll just be one more thing that I have lost power and influence over. This could be my easy excuse; "I relapsed because my mum has cancer", yet, now that I think about it, relapsing would be the most destructive thing I could do to myself and to my mother, and also incredibly selfish. Lastly, this has made me feel very depressed and hopeless. I no longer want to go to school, to get better, to even wake up in the morning. Yet, the strong part of me, and I'm beginning to realize, the voice in my head that sounds a lot like my mom's, gently urges me on, to continue doing things and living and breathing. This part of me wants to get better so desperately that I can make my mum proud. I wouldn't mind 10 years of mental anguish from Anna, for 1 second of happiness with my mum.

I think I am at a very important crossroads at my recovery; it could go either way. I could relapse and be sick all over again, or I could do something even harder, stay healthy and be there for my mum. Both decisions have their appeals and their repellants, yet, this is a decision that I alone can make. Even though everything seems to be spinning uncontrollably, I have never felt more in tune and in power over myself than I do now. Inside, I am fighting a really hard battle; not only do I have to deal with the feelings I have of my mom's diagnosis, I also have to fight for my own recovery and survival. I hope that by writing this post, you have an idea of how easy it is to get so caught up in your ED, that you lose sight of what really matters in your life. I also hope you realize that you are stronger than most people, because while others battle the opponent with both hands and feet , you only have half of your limbs and your opponent is double your size. Give yourself the compassion, love and kindness you deserve. Realize how hard it is for you, and that it is okay to cry, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to feel.

I am going to end my post by saying once again, how much I love my mum. I never thought it was capable to love someone else so completely, and so unconditionally. I never thought that I could ever be capable or vulnerable enough to love someone this way. My mum is my beacon of light, and in many ways, the one thing that inspires me everyday to work hard, eat my meals, and be the best person I can be. Whenever you face a hard time, think of that one person in the world that you would readily take a bullet for. Think of that person every time you eat or do something to help you in your recovery. I know that from now on, I will always keep my mum in my mind, and try my best to be strong for her in her time of need. I love you mom, and I hope to make you proud!