Something I have been really excited about is volunteering. As I am currently out of school, and still not healthy enough to work, I decided to volunteer as a way of keeping busy. Now that its summer, its really easy to find many opportunities where I can donate my time and efforts to. Before I began, I made sure that I knew what I could handle and what I could not. I still get really high anxiety being out of the house past 4pm. This is because in my university days, I had to go to class in the evenings, and I have really bad memories associated with these times. Coincidentally, it was winter at that time, and I just have memories of shivering in my emaciated body waiting for the bus. I can only describe the feeling as J.K Rowling described the dementors:
“An intense cold swept over them all. Harry felt his own breath catch in his chest. The cold went deeper than his skin. It was inside his chest, it was inside his very heart. . . ."
Being underweight allows you to experience a whole new level of what cold is. I can tell you here and now that one of my biggest motivations to recover from anorexia is so that I will never feel that cold ever again! I will never forget it and will never wish it upon anybody. It is the worst feeling there is.
Anyways, (I know I tend to stray of topic!), back to volunteering. I knew that I could handle any task that would get me home before 4pm. For example, there was a group of women who go down to the Good Shepherd Soup Kitchen every second Thursday of the month. It is from 1pm-6pm. As therapeutic as feeding starving souls sounds, I knew I couldn't handle that right now, and I think one of the bravest and best things you can do for yourself, is to know just how much you can take on and that its ok if you can't do certain things. I volunteer through my church (I'm not at all religious btw, its just that the church had many opportunities available and it was easy to get the forms and things done as it is close to home and I can handle that!).
So far I have volunteered for 3 different "ministries", or volunteer positions. The first one; and this involves my whole family (can I just say that volunteering with your mum and dad takes family bonding to a whole new and awesome level. With eating disorders, its hard to do things like having dinner with the family or going to restaurants with them. Volunteering provides a way to socially interact with people, while bonding with your family, and at the same time skip the awkward eating parts!) This ministry is called "Coffee Sunday". Basically, after the 9:30 am mass, we serve coffee and cookies to the parish members. Its a great way to meet and talk to people, and you're not pressurized into eating anything, because of course you can use my go-to perfect excuse: "Oh I just had breakfast and I'm stuffed"...(Pat your belly for added emphasis! LOL ) Last Sunday was the first time my family did it, and we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! We have now been assigned the first and third Sundays of the month to volunteer for this ministry.
The next one, that's coming up this Monday, is the "Senior Social". Basically, its a little gathering of all the old folks in our church, and they come together and "party it up"... with bingo and prayer services of course! I have to and help with serving refreshments, handing out name tags, helping with bingo etc. It's from 1:30 to 3:30, (I can handle that), and I actually am really looking forward to it. I've worked with people of all ages, however, I've never worked with seniors before! Its going to be a new, and hopefully, rewarding experience.
The third ministry I'm involved with is called H.O.P.E- Helping Other People Everyday. Basically, they provide free post-funeral lunches for the mourners. I have to help set up and facilitate the whole event. THAT I'm super excited for! The last thing on my schedule right now, is baking cupcakes for Pentecost Sunday (June 8th), which happens to be the birthday of our church. Now this is something I can hardly wait to do!
Notice something dear reader. All these things, they give me an excuse to wake up, and go through the motions of daily life. When I'm struggling and really wanting to restrict, I keep a reminder of what I have to do, in order to help me get through the moment. It takes away all the attention from Anna, and focuses it on something else. It really is exhausting to devote every waking hour to Anna and what she wants. By keeping busy, and by setting these small goals for yourself, it makes everything so much easier! It gives you a reason for waking up in the morning and getting out of bed.
I hope that by reading this, you can be inspired to go find something you are passionate about, and engage in that activity, whatever it may be. Something outside your eating disorder. When you find it, and I promise you that this is true dear reader, it gives you something worth fighting for. In the end, you know that you are fighting, rather that an ally of Anna's. She is a crafty manipulative bitch who cannot be trusted. Therefore, divert at least 10% of your energy from her. At first it will be hard. And then, as practice indeed does make perfect, it will get easier and easier. Good luck finding your passion! All you need to do is look within you to find it...because at the end of the day, you are fucking amazing! And you are worth it. And even though I don't know you, I know exactly what you're feeling. I've been there and I've done that. And I really hope you know that you are not alone!
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