The In-Between Place

Ever since moving away from home and finding my own way in the world, I have discovered many things. Today my post is about the in-between place: the spot you find yourself stuck in when home stops being home and you are torn between two places. I feel that way about my family at home and my life in Guelph. When I come home, I miss the quiet, organized, clean apartment that I call my own. When I am in Guelph, I miss my family because those are the people that are most important to me. 

This brings me to a realization that I have finally outgrown my family home. I knew that I wanted to go away and 'spread my wings' for a long time. After living a life where I thought I was too scared to leave home and live on my own, I now crave the solitude and order of the life I have created for myself. I think that this is a normal part of growing up. It motivates me to work hard in school so that one day I will be able to afford to live on my own independently both financially, and in the broader sense of the word. 

I haven't thought much about my future or any plans for myself apart from establishing my career and completing my degree. The afternoon is melancholy, rainy and wet. I look around my room where I am writing from, and the walls are bare. There is nothing anchoring me to this place that I call home. When I think of home, I actually miss my apartment, my room, my life. I don't know if it is just the weather making me feel this way, and maybe I will feel better tomorrow. 

Right now though, I feel as though my heart is torn into two pieces. It's a strange feeling because I think that there is no dialectical way to think of my situation. To be independent, I need to be alone. To be with my family, I need to give up a bit of my independence. Both are extremely important to me and I am unwilling to sacrifice either of them. 

There is a new aspect of my life that I never even considered as a possibility before. It is the possibility that I can let new people into my life. It is the realization that other people, or even one person, can share the space in my heart that my family has occupied for so long. This is perhaps the scariest feeling of them all. It's the chance that I have to take in opening myself up to others and always having the chance of them refusing to enter. I know that it is a very real possibility and I know that everyone goes through it sometimes in their lives. I always said that I would live alone and die alone, however, I am beginning to reconsider this. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have someone beside me help me along the way and share in my worries and woes. 

This brings me back to that in-between place. The one where I am so unsure about everything I thought I was so certain about. I think that the best I can do is open myself up to new experiences and hope for the best. Through it all, I hope that I will always remember who I am and my values and what I believe in. The in between place is teaching me a lot about who I am, what I value, and what I want from this life. Today, riding on the bus, I realized that I finally know more about what religion I am and what I believe in. These random streams of thoughts seem to enter my head, at the oddest time. I think that I am finally growing in the way that I was supposed to when I was 18. It feels strange and new, but amazing at the same time. Going back to my religion, I realized that I am very spiritual, yet not religious. I think there is a difference between the two. Religion to me is a set of rules, traditions and beliefs that seem to envelop those who accept it as their own. Spirituality to me is knowing that there is something bigger than just us out there, yet being open and accepting of religions and what they teach. I know now that I find comfort in the religious ceremonies of the catholic church simply because it is what I grew up with and what I know. It fills me with a sense of nostalgia and comfort the way that chicken soup does on a cold rainy day. 

These little glimpses about who I am and the self discovery wouldn't have been possible had I not been in the in between place where I am right now. That is why I think it is so important that everyone, at some point in their lives, stand at the border of what they know and are comfortable with, and the strange, new and unknown. I think that is where I am right now. I look back at everything I knew and believed in. There is certainty, order, safety, security. But then I look ahead. I can't see much of what is out there, but I do get little glimpses on the possibilities that lie in the horizon. It's strange, and new, and because I don't know my way around, I'm bound to trip and fall a couple of times. Yet, I feel that I am finally ready and brave enough to take that chance. Being in the in between place has made me catch glimpses of what I had, what I have right now, and what I could have in the future. The door is wide open, and adventure awaits. I just have to be brave enough to step outside and face whatever is waiting for me on the other side! 

Reflections on Easter

Hello Readers!

I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote. Thanks for your patience and for continuing to check back for posts! Now that I have a bit of free time, I thought it would be nice to give everyone a little update on everything that has been going on in my life! Today is Easter Sunday, and it is a day to celebrate with family and friends. I write today in reflection of my recovery journey and also remember the Easter I spent two years ago: it was spent in the hospital at Credit Valley!

Now, two years later, I am finally living the life that I wanted to live. Thats something that I want to share with my readers today. As part of a psychology research project on mental health, I participated in a study that looked at improving outcomes for university students suffering from mental health issues. Considering that this is something that is close to my heart, I decided to participate.

One of the questions the interviewer asked me was if there was anything I would like to say to current and future university students experiencing a mental health issue or simply going through a tough time in university. My battle with anorexia started during the early months of my first semester at university. My anxiety and depression, as well as personality disorders, were constant companions throughout my life, especially in my senior years of high school.

This is why I think its so important to share my story with others. I believe that if I knew half as much as what I do now, I would have had a much easier time throughout. It really is true what they say about experience being the best teacher! Growing up, I always thought that the most important thing in the world was school, getting good grades, then getting into the best university, graduating, getting a job that paid me a whole lot of money, and buying a house, a car, expensive clothes etc. is what I aspired to want. After all, that was what my parents had always taught me. The importance of studying hard in order to live a life of comfort. It is true that material things do not make you happy, but they certainly do make you more comfortable!

I believe however, that there is something that differentiates our generation from that of our parents. We live in a day and age where anything is possible. I am blessed to live in Canada and receive the amazing services and support systems that our wonderful country has to offer those who are struggling in their lives. We have food banks that support students and families in university that do not have the means to provide healthy nutritious options. We have loans given by the government that allow us to go to university, buy our books, and receive an education to better ourselves.

I think that is why, despite making it seem through what I'm writing, that the material things hold such a significance to us, it is actually all the support that we receive that gives us one thing that no amount of money can grant us: and that is freedom. Opportunity. The chance to reimagine ourselves as who we would like to be without worrying about meeting the expectations of our families or what society wants us to be like. I worked hard all throughout high school, both academically and in my part time job as well, to ensure that I had the right clothes, the nice hair and had everything that I thought would make me happy. I applied to three different universities, choosing Human Biology as my major, because I simply had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I declined an offer from the University of Guelph simply because I thought that going to the University of Toronto was the right decision because of its status and reputation.

My first week of university, I knew I made a terrible mistake. I picked the wrong school and I felt trapped in the decision I made. That's one of the scariest feelings one can ever experience. The regret and then the shame that follows is heartbreaking. Knowing that you made a decision in an effort to desperately try to conform to societal expectations, and then realizing that this conformity causes you unhappiness, makes you feel trapped and alone. I didn't know how to tell my parents that I hated every single moment of my university experience.

This is what I'd been working so hard all my life to achieve after all. I studied hard to get where I was, and I thought once I got into the "top" university, everything would magically fall into place! Was I ever so wrong! Four years later, I have been fortunate enough to have gotten a second chance to reshape my life. For a long time I thought that my past struggles dictated forever my future self. Because I struggled with a mental illness as a young adult, I wouldn't make it very far in my life. My parents thought that I'd be working part time jobs and not really doing much for the reset of my life, and to be honest, I thought that too.

However, I finally found the courage within me to go back to school. And once I got there, I realized that I loved learning after all. Even though I hated my program, I took some time to play around with what I thought would interest me. In my first year back, I took English courses, and then I realized that I missed the maths and sciences that I'd been doing all throughout my school years. From my experience working at Starbucks, the many times I was in the hospital for my eating disorder, and from looking at various program options, I decided to take Applied Human Nutrition in Guelph.

This second chance has been one that I have embraced completely and fully. From all of my experiences, I have come into this one with an open mind and tried to lower, if not, eradicate completely any expectations I have of how I think everything should go. Instead, I have taken a new approach to just accept things the way that they are, and do the best that I can and hope that it is good enough.

To wrap up this post, I would like to share with my readers what I told the interviewers that I wanted university students to know:

Nothing is permanent. Always remember that. Just like the good times can't last forever, the bad ones don't stick around. It is completely okay to say that you have made the wrong decision and then to back track a bit. Do not worry about what people may think of you or how you appear to others. In the end, it is you that has to live with the decision you made, not them. I wasn't brave enough to acknowledge that I made a mistake. I was scared to tell my parents that this is not what I wanted to do after all because I didn't want to disappoint them. Yet, it cost me so much.

Today, so many years later, I have managed to write again after completing my second year in university, and my first year in the University of Guelph, which is where I wanted to be in the first place. I think that during the first time, when I worked so hard to meet the expectations of others, this second chance, I have worked so hard to meet the expectations I set out for myself. It's easy to blur the lines between what we think we want, and what others think we should want. Often, we forget whether it was us or them who wanted that in the first place!

That's why I also want to say, stick to who you are and what you believe in. As long as you are honest with yourself, you will be happy. No one can tell you what makes you happy. Only you can decide that for yourself. So, if getting a car, a house, and having money is what you want, I say go ahead..and do whatever you can, to achieve it- and when I say whatever you can, I ask you to consider if you are willing to perhaps live a life that makes you comfortable, rather than content. If waking up everyday and working a job that may not give you the six figure salary, but gives you an amazing sense of purpose and meaning to your life is what fulfills you and truly allows you to be happy, I say grab onto that and embrace it!

This is something that I am still trying to integrate into my life as well as share with others. I feel that as long as I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and most importantly, my health, both physical and mental, I am the richest person I can ever be! So in times like the holidays, which can be especially difficult for anyone struggling, I say, think about the things that you do have rather that what you hope to have. Today I am thankful that I am around family, I can share my thoughts with someone, and I am also hoping that somewhere, my words will be meaningful to someone.

Happy Easter Everybody!