It is truly
ironic that you are so beautiful, because I know now how ugly you really are on
the inside. Revenge. Payback. Anger. The all or nothing attitude. All those
expectations you had for me. You made me not want anything for myself. You
erased all my goals, severed all my relationships with the people I loved and
made me feel alone, isolated, frustrated, and scared. You tricked me into
thinking that recovery would not be worth it. That if I recovered my parents
would ignore me again. I would have to go to parties again and interact with
people. I did not need friends, and I did not need to be a part of a world
where no one understood me and everything and everyone irritated me.
For the past
year, I have been resisting you and this has made it easier to see through all
the lies you keep feeding me. It is easier now to see your ugliness. You are a
siren, tempting me with your beauty and promise of love, friendship, comfort
and satisfaction. These are all things that you initially gave me, but the more
I wanted, the higher price I had to pay.
Initially, I
thought that if I listened to you, if I got thinner, I would get it all. I
would have friends, get good grades at school, and be the best version of
myself possible. If I just lost another pound, I’d fit into that perfect prom
dress. If I lost another, I would look amazing and confident as I crossed the
stage to get my diploma. A few more pounds, and I could run across the beach in
my swimsuit without worrying about looking fat. Just a few more, and getting
ready for university would be so much easier. After all, you do save time not
changing 10 times each morning trying to find an outfit you feel comfortable
in.
Eventually,
the price to pay got really high. The line between what I wanted and what you
wanted me to want for myself was blurred. Then one day, when I was in so much
pain that I could hardly bear to be alive anymore, I realized that it was just
not worth it anymore. I realized that all this time I was just existing, rather
than really living my life. This was no way to live and I decided to get help.
These past 6
weeks have been some of the most life-changing, challenging, and frustrating
ones I have ever had to go through. Yet, every tear, every urge that you beat
me up for not turning into a symptom, is worth how amazing I feel right now.
You used to make me thing that strength was staying days being hungry, or
running miles on an injured foot. In the past six weeks, I have realized that
yes, that was brave and courageous, yet, not exercising when every fibre of my
body is craving that high I get from exercise, is just as, in fact, more
courageous than giving into those urges.
As I am
slowly breaking away from the strong hold you had on me, I have so much more
clarity on why I ended up being with you in the first place. You took on the
controlling, methodical and strict role my parents had on me as a child. When
my parents gave up that role, you picked up the pieces. I was scared to make my
own decisions and of growing up, which is why I let you make all my decisions
for me. You prevented me from getting an education, finding meaningful
relationships, and growing into the person, I am supposed to be.
I do not
know if what you offered me is what I am meant to be, or if there is something
else out there. I just know that I’m trying an experiment right now. I am
taking some time off from you. I’m giving the small, weak, voice in my head
that I know is truly my voice, a chance to be heard. This is my time to shine.
This is my time to speak and to be heard. This time I am giving myself a
chance. As I write this, I can feel you sneering at me, telling me that I will
hate who I am without you. Maybe I will, or maybe not. I just know that for
right now, in this moment, not being in hungry and not having every bone in my
body ache is good enough.
I am scared
to let go of you. I am terrified about going forward in life without you
holding my hand. I am scared to walk the path I am meant to walk alone. My
parents, friends, and the staff here in the program have taken your place.
Eventually, I know that I might have to do this by myself, that I will always
want to turn back and come to you again for comfort. I hope that by then, I
will be strong enough to not fall back into your trap.
I have spent
too much of my life counting calories, instead of counting my blessings. I am
tired of that way of living and I want a new life for myself. Even though I am
scared, I want to give myself a chance. I never take the easy way out and I
know that one day things will get better. Life is not always going to be this
hard and its time I lived my life the way I want to live it. I am worth the
fight. I deserve food and I deserve to eat without feeling guilt or shame. I
deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a chance to live.
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