Reflections on Easter

Hello Readers!

I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote. Thanks for your patience and for continuing to check back for posts! Now that I have a bit of free time, I thought it would be nice to give everyone a little update on everything that has been going on in my life! Today is Easter Sunday, and it is a day to celebrate with family and friends. I write today in reflection of my recovery journey and also remember the Easter I spent two years ago: it was spent in the hospital at Credit Valley!

Now, two years later, I am finally living the life that I wanted to live. Thats something that I want to share with my readers today. As part of a psychology research project on mental health, I participated in a study that looked at improving outcomes for university students suffering from mental health issues. Considering that this is something that is close to my heart, I decided to participate.

One of the questions the interviewer asked me was if there was anything I would like to say to current and future university students experiencing a mental health issue or simply going through a tough time in university. My battle with anorexia started during the early months of my first semester at university. My anxiety and depression, as well as personality disorders, were constant companions throughout my life, especially in my senior years of high school.

This is why I think its so important to share my story with others. I believe that if I knew half as much as what I do now, I would have had a much easier time throughout. It really is true what they say about experience being the best teacher! Growing up, I always thought that the most important thing in the world was school, getting good grades, then getting into the best university, graduating, getting a job that paid me a whole lot of money, and buying a house, a car, expensive clothes etc. is what I aspired to want. After all, that was what my parents had always taught me. The importance of studying hard in order to live a life of comfort. It is true that material things do not make you happy, but they certainly do make you more comfortable!

I believe however, that there is something that differentiates our generation from that of our parents. We live in a day and age where anything is possible. I am blessed to live in Canada and receive the amazing services and support systems that our wonderful country has to offer those who are struggling in their lives. We have food banks that support students and families in university that do not have the means to provide healthy nutritious options. We have loans given by the government that allow us to go to university, buy our books, and receive an education to better ourselves.

I think that is why, despite making it seem through what I'm writing, that the material things hold such a significance to us, it is actually all the support that we receive that gives us one thing that no amount of money can grant us: and that is freedom. Opportunity. The chance to reimagine ourselves as who we would like to be without worrying about meeting the expectations of our families or what society wants us to be like. I worked hard all throughout high school, both academically and in my part time job as well, to ensure that I had the right clothes, the nice hair and had everything that I thought would make me happy. I applied to three different universities, choosing Human Biology as my major, because I simply had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I declined an offer from the University of Guelph simply because I thought that going to the University of Toronto was the right decision because of its status and reputation.

My first week of university, I knew I made a terrible mistake. I picked the wrong school and I felt trapped in the decision I made. That's one of the scariest feelings one can ever experience. The regret and then the shame that follows is heartbreaking. Knowing that you made a decision in an effort to desperately try to conform to societal expectations, and then realizing that this conformity causes you unhappiness, makes you feel trapped and alone. I didn't know how to tell my parents that I hated every single moment of my university experience.

This is what I'd been working so hard all my life to achieve after all. I studied hard to get where I was, and I thought once I got into the "top" university, everything would magically fall into place! Was I ever so wrong! Four years later, I have been fortunate enough to have gotten a second chance to reshape my life. For a long time I thought that my past struggles dictated forever my future self. Because I struggled with a mental illness as a young adult, I wouldn't make it very far in my life. My parents thought that I'd be working part time jobs and not really doing much for the reset of my life, and to be honest, I thought that too.

However, I finally found the courage within me to go back to school. And once I got there, I realized that I loved learning after all. Even though I hated my program, I took some time to play around with what I thought would interest me. In my first year back, I took English courses, and then I realized that I missed the maths and sciences that I'd been doing all throughout my school years. From my experience working at Starbucks, the many times I was in the hospital for my eating disorder, and from looking at various program options, I decided to take Applied Human Nutrition in Guelph.

This second chance has been one that I have embraced completely and fully. From all of my experiences, I have come into this one with an open mind and tried to lower, if not, eradicate completely any expectations I have of how I think everything should go. Instead, I have taken a new approach to just accept things the way that they are, and do the best that I can and hope that it is good enough.

To wrap up this post, I would like to share with my readers what I told the interviewers that I wanted university students to know:

Nothing is permanent. Always remember that. Just like the good times can't last forever, the bad ones don't stick around. It is completely okay to say that you have made the wrong decision and then to back track a bit. Do not worry about what people may think of you or how you appear to others. In the end, it is you that has to live with the decision you made, not them. I wasn't brave enough to acknowledge that I made a mistake. I was scared to tell my parents that this is not what I wanted to do after all because I didn't want to disappoint them. Yet, it cost me so much.

Today, so many years later, I have managed to write again after completing my second year in university, and my first year in the University of Guelph, which is where I wanted to be in the first place. I think that during the first time, when I worked so hard to meet the expectations of others, this second chance, I have worked so hard to meet the expectations I set out for myself. It's easy to blur the lines between what we think we want, and what others think we should want. Often, we forget whether it was us or them who wanted that in the first place!

That's why I also want to say, stick to who you are and what you believe in. As long as you are honest with yourself, you will be happy. No one can tell you what makes you happy. Only you can decide that for yourself. So, if getting a car, a house, and having money is what you want, I say go ahead..and do whatever you can, to achieve it- and when I say whatever you can, I ask you to consider if you are willing to perhaps live a life that makes you comfortable, rather than content. If waking up everyday and working a job that may not give you the six figure salary, but gives you an amazing sense of purpose and meaning to your life is what fulfills you and truly allows you to be happy, I say grab onto that and embrace it!

This is something that I am still trying to integrate into my life as well as share with others. I feel that as long as I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and most importantly, my health, both physical and mental, I am the richest person I can ever be! So in times like the holidays, which can be especially difficult for anyone struggling, I say, think about the things that you do have rather that what you hope to have. Today I am thankful that I am around family, I can share my thoughts with someone, and I am also hoping that somewhere, my words will be meaningful to someone.

Happy Easter Everybody!

Happy...? to be Home for the Holidays

Hello Readers!

Hope you have had a wonderful Christmas and are enjoying yourselves thoroughly! Today's post will be about the complications that happen once you move away from home and then come back for the holidays. I have read in many different articles about the difficulties people face when they return back to their families in the holidays. I've seen multiple posts on Pinterest that show how to cope better with family members, especially when you have  a mental health issue. For me, coming home has become harder and harder. I was surprised by this, but I think that there are a few things that I have identified that are helping me cope.

1.) If you have a set routine or way of doing things, try to stick to it as much as possible.

If you woke up at a particular time, showered, got dressed etc., try to maintain that routine during the holidays. I know that it may be hard to do especially if surrounded by family members and having to go to many parties or to people's houses. I say do those things too. Just try to maintain your old routine whenever you are able to...This one is especially important if you are struggling with an eating disorder. After many years of living with one, my family has become more aware of what I am comfortable with. This brings me to my second point...

2.) Be open, honest and communicate if you are struggling.

The holidays come with a huge food component. It can't be avoided and it is one of the times eating really becomes difficult to someone struggling with an eating disorder. Christmas is usually a time most people treat themselves with decadent dinners and desserts. My family also knows that a way that they can not only support me but also make sure that I am happy, is to not force me to eat anything I am not ready to do. They know that having cake as a treat is more like a nightmare for me. So, they don't make me eat anything  that I don't want.

3.) Participate as much as you can. 

Even if you aren't eating what everyone else is eating, don't eat by yourself, alone in the kitchen. Try to eat your meals with your family if you are comfortable. I found that this was something I really enjoyed this year. I miss the usual dinner talk and discussions that I used to have. Food has a way of bringing people together and making them open up. I am very comfortable around my family, so while they eat their thing, I do mine, and I don't feel left out at all!

4.) Eat as similarly to others as you can.

This one I have mentioned in one of my other posts. For example, on Christmas day, my parents had scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and tea. I also had a breakfast that included eggs as well. My mum also made a roasted ham and baked chicken. I managed to get some deli meat (smoked turkey breast)in for my lunch, as well as chicken with veggies and a dinner roll for dinner.

5.) Practice makes perfect. 

This one is an absolute truth. I used to be so uncomfortable when people came over to our place. Eating in front of others was an absolute nightmare and it was a long time before I was able to do that after coming out of the hospital last year. My family invited my uncle and his family over for dinner, as well as our neighbours who are our very good friends. My uncle knows about my struggles, and as for my neighbours, they don't know specifics, but they do know that I struggle with eating and socializing. They never say anything or suggest that I eat certain things, but this is only because they have gotten used to me doing my own dinners and cooking etc. when they come over. Yes, it was a bit awkward the first few times, but now they are more aware.

6.) Tell the truth

One of the best reasons I give when people ask me why I don't eat, is that I have food intolerances. If you really think about it, it's true. A food intolerance is something that makes you uncomfortable and causes you distress after consuming it. Technically, I do get distressed- if not physically, then mentally- after consuming foods that I am not ready for. Honesty is so important. Making elaborate excuses or stories for why you can't have a slice of cake just won't do. Stick to the truth as much as possible. It's easier to be honest and get judged for telling the truth, rather than have others thinking you are a fabricator of elaborate unrealistic excuses.

7.) Take some time outs. 

Being around family 24/7 is tough. After staying alone for a few months, coming back to a house full of people can be both daunting and exhausting. I made sure to not push myself too much. There were times where I just spent some quiet time in my room reading, or writing. Another good distraction was going out to run errands on my own or doing groceries for my mom. That way I got some space away from my family, while also doing something productive.

8.) Spend time with the people that matter. 

For me, I am lucky enough to have 2 amazing sisters that I absolutely love hanging out with. My littlest sister, Carissa and I, have something called "Sister Day." It's a day where we hang out together- just the two of us and usually includes a trip to the mall and spending the day together. This quality time is amazing for our relationship and since she is still so young, its the little things that make her day. For example, going to Bulk Barn and picking out some gummy worms or buying her some of the caramel sweets she loves. I find that I miss my sisters the most when I am away, so I make sure that I am talking and hanging out with them as much as I possibly can when I'm home.

The reason why I think that coming home is so hard is also because I am a very routined person. Once I get into the habit of doing something and have a certain structure to my day, it is a struggle when anything deviates from the schedule. I think that it's part of my OCPD that compels me to have a sense of control. Realizing that this is what it is has also helped. I've also been able to tell my parents that coming home to the same environment I was most symptomatic in was extremely triggering for me. Being away from here and the dynamics of my family has helped a lot in my recovery process. This brings me to my last points...

9.) Know your limits. 

This is tough to do. Sometimes it can be hard to determine if you are capable of doing something when there is so much anxiety and fear getting in the way of things. That's okay though. Do what you can, and don't be ashamed if you aren't able to accomplish something you originally wanted to. For me, it was baking my shortbread cookies. I usually do a lot of baking during the holidays. I have found though as I spend more time on the recovered side of things, I have begun to absolutely abhor cooking and anything that makes my hands dirty (again, OCPD I think...)Halfway through mixing the batter and rolling out the dough, I ended up just leaving everything on the counter and walking away. My parents didn't know why, I just told them I was tired. I did however, tell them how to roll out the dough and how long to bake it etc. and they continued where I left off.

10.) Bow out gracefully.

When I say this, I reiterate my last point. Don't push yourself to an extent where you're stressed, tense, irritable, and unhappy. In my case, I know that I am not able to spend the entire two weeks back at home. So, for me, after seeing my doctor tomorrow, I will leave once again for Guelph. I think that its better to be in a relaxed state when with family. No one wants to be around a grouchy person. So even if you have to cut time away from them, I think that will make them value the time you actually do share with them even more.

I hope that these tips have helped a bit dear reader! My goal is to tell you that you are not alone. Other people feel the same way, or share some of the same struggles as you do. As always, take care, stay strong and let me know your thoughts as well as what you struggle with in the comments below!

My First Semester in Guelph!

Hello Readers,

I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote. It's because once school started, everything just got so busy! Let me recap everything that happened these past few months. It seems like a lifetime ago that I actually moved here and established my life in Guelph! For the first few weeks, I honestly didn't think what was happening was real. I was so scared that I'd suddenly wake up and it would all be a dream!

I was determined to have the entire university experience and live it to the fullest in order to get a 'redo' of sorts... This was my second chance at life and I came here determined to take advantage of that. Moving day was super exciting! Of course I was nervous. This was the first time I would be living on my own. It was my dad, my sister, and my uncle who came along to help me move in, armed with 1 pick up truck and all my furniture!

Moving Day!

I arrived in Guelph on the first day of orientation week. That very evening, I went to the block party the university was throwing along with the dinner. Yes reader. I actually ate the dinner. The University of Guelph, coincidentally has been ranked the best campus for food in Canada! And boy were they right! Everything that is served is healthy, good for you food. That night I had chicken breast burgers on a whole wheat bun, an apple, and drinks along with cookies for dessert. I admit, I skipped the cookies and drinks and stuck with water instead!

It's funny how things seem to coincide with each other! Tomorrow marks my first three months spent in Guelph. Today was the end of all classes for the first semester. The move has been amazing for me. It has allowed me to stretch my wings in a way that I never could before. I have really opened myself up to new experiences, new relationships, and new possibilities. I have never been more excited to actually live my life!

I posted some pictures of my sparsely decorated apartment below! I have yet to decorate it, and its bare bones right now. But if anything, this has shown me that yes, I can do this! And yes reader, if you are struggling, or have struggled, it is never ever too late to grab whatever life throws at you and make the best of it!

I was determined to have a white couch! After all, you know you're an adult when you own a white leather couch! ;) 

The bar table was another one of my fab finds. Did I mention, that I bought all of these things using Kijiji? 

My little kitchen! I don't really like how small it is and how the cupboards are all wonky! And if I lay an egg on the counter it rolls towards the stove! But it'll have to do for now I guess! 

And to finish my post dear reader, here I am in front of the beautiful Basilica in downtown Guelph:

HEALTHY HOPEFUL & HAPPY. 

Breakfast on the go!

Hello Readers!

When struggling with an eating disorder, it seems impossible to think about going on vacation. After all, vacations are places people go to break from their normal routine. To escape from the drudgery of regular everyday life and to 'cheat' with indulgent meals, drinks and desserts. So it's no surprise when faced with the concept of a 'vacation,' the person with an eating disorder cringes in horror. I'm no different. Vacations- or any break in my normal routine for that matter- is very difficult for me. I like my routine. I like the comfort of it. I like the security it gives me. But that is another can of worms to be opened on a different day! Today, I want to share with you my coping mechanisms for dealing with interruptions or breaks in your daily routines.

For example, I had a doctor's appointment where I needed to take fasting blood work. So I had to go to downtown Toronto without breakfast and eat on the go. Was I scared? Yes. Was my anxiety high? Of course. But I did do a few things that really helped. I knew that I wasn't ready to have an entire meal- a terrifying bacon breakfast sandwich from Tim Hortons for example. Instead, something I tend to do, is make sure that whenever I am in a situation that is strange or new, I try to reference back to what my regular routine normally is like.

That morning after my appointment, I decided to have my breakfast on the go. This is what I did: I boiled an egg before I left. I also got along a pack of instant oatmeal. I went to Starbucks, and got the barista to give me one of those little cups they put oatmeal in- without the oatmeal in it of course! Instead, I added the pack that I got from home. In a separate short cup, I asked the barista to fill it with hot water for me.

I chose President's Choice Instant Oatmeal. This is honestly the best instant oatmeal I have ever tasted! Many people crave the nutty texture steel cut oats gives them. However, they can't be cooked on the go. This oatmeal maintains its delicious nuttiness while also leaving you feeling deeply satisfied.

Usually, I always have a half cup of cottage cheese with breakfast. Not only do I absolutely love it, but its also really good for my bones.  My regular cup of black coffee is also another permanent addition to my morning meal. While my oatmeal was doing its thing getting cooked in its bowl, I went on to buy one of those little cups of Nordica Cottage Cheese. I usually buy the 500g tubs, but grocery stores in downtown Toronto always sell the individual ones as well. 

Voila! A satisfying, healthy, convenient, and CHEAP! breakfast. I ended up paying $3 for my entire meal. Pepper, forks, spoons, knives were free of course from the food court at a mall close by from the place I had my appointment. 

What about lunch and dinner you may ask? Yes I agree, breakfast seems to be an easy meal. Cereal, milk, something easy like that...? I agree. Lunch and dinner is much harder. When I went on my most recent vacation, what I chose to do, was make sandwiches for about 4 days. My family goes on road trips so we usually bring a cooler along to store our snacks and drinks. After making my sandwiches, I wrap them in cling-wrap and put them in ziplock bags. I then put them in one of those big plastic containers so that they don't get crushed or wet from the ice/juice. I also pack a lot of fruits that are easy to eat on the go. I like to take oranges and apples as they are both delicious, nutritious, and easy to travel with. 

For dinner, I went to a Tim Hortons near my hotel and picked up a bowl of their harvest vegetable soup. Reader, I cannot tell you how much I love this soup. It has potatoes, beans, chickpeas, veggies, all immersed in a deeply satisfying tomato broth. 

It's vegetarian, low fat, and delicious! Since a bowl of soup is obviously not enough for my dinner, I also packed along a bag full of cooked chicken strips- the kind that you use for sandwiches and find at the deli. I use the Turkey Breast Strips from Walmart, but you can use any protein you want to. Roasted chicken, tofu, tempeh, or whatever  protein you fancy!

I also brought along packs of greek yoghurt that I usually have, not only to add more calcium, protein and a dessert component, but also because of the deeply satisfied full feeling it gives me. 

Along with my yoghurt, I had an apple and even managed to find the rice pudding that I love at a local grocery store right beside my hotel! 

And there you have it reader! I managed to live on this for a couple of days. True, by the end, I was a little bored of eating the same things over and over again, yet it was the best that I could hope for in a situation that was so new, strange and completely terrifying for me. 

I found that trying to do things the way that I do at home or in a place that I am comfortable in, helps me deal with my anxiety. Three years ago, when I first started struggling with anorexia, I could not imagine ever leaving the comfort of my home or my routine. It has taken a lot of practice and effort to get to where I am right now in my recovery. 

Through my experiences, I have learnt that recovery is not an either/or concept. Rather, it is a continuing process that never ends. It involves effort on both your part as well as those around you. While I do try to push myself to live as normally as possible, I also know my limitations. I am not yet ready to go stay at someones house or to travel more than a day or two's drive away from Toronto. I know that when my parents decide to go to India next summer, that is something that I won't be able to do. 

And reader, I am okay with that. Really. It does suck a little. I would love to go back and see my family again- especially my grandma who I miss just as much as I did the day I left her at the airport 10 years ago. Yet, I know that when I am ready I will find the strength to do it. Just as I couldn't imagine living my life or surviving when I first got anorexia, I am now beginning to see that with a effort, time, and perseverance, things do get easier. I promise you. Please don't give up. I believe that you can do it! 

What coping mechanisms do you use when faced with a new situation? I would love to know in the comments below! 

Another Turning Point

Hello Reader, 


Today I reached another 'fork in the road' in regards to my recovery journey. My struggle with anorexia not only effected my weight, it also made me develop severe osteoporosis. According to Health Canada, 

Osteoporosis is a bone disease where bone loss occurs more rapidly than normal causing bones to become very thin and weak over time. While osteoporosis is more common among older individuals, it can affect people of all ages. 

When bones become severely weakened by osteoporosis, a simple movement such as bending over to pick up a bag of groceries, or a minor trauma, such as a fall from standing height or less, can lead to fracture (breaks or cracks in the bone)."

One of the main reasons why I developed osteoporosis is because as a result of the starvation I put my body through, the estrogen levels decreased so much that I stopped having my period completely. For those science geeks out there, estrogen along with vitamin D is responsible for healthy bones and the absorption and maintenance of calcium in the bones. 

Today I made the decision, after years of being urged by my doctor, to start the birth control pill in order to kick start my menses. To most, this may seem inconsequential, and yet another pill that I have to take. However, to a recovering anorexic, this is huge. I confess that I thoroughly enjoyed not having a period. Which woman actually wants to be on their period? 

Yet, I take it as a testament of my growth and maturity, that I have reached a point where I am actually voluntarily making myself get a period! It is going to be hard, and I understand that. However, this decision is right up there with eating a scary food. It is a stepping stone towards a healthier body, and eventually a healthier me!

So I urge all my readers, whether you struggle with anorexia, or are just reading because...

Please Please Please take care of yourself. Take your vitamins, do what you need to for your body and mind's well-being. I have abused my body for so long, and part of recovering from this illness is learning to love yourself once more. I see this as another step towards achieving a recovery that is long-lasting and effective. 

After all, if we don't love ourselves, then we can't be angry/sad/disappointed when others reject us. It is only when we don't have self love that we begin to care so much about the acceptance and love of others. And isn't this where anorexia begins? When you try to get thinner to get the guy, the job, the perfect body etc... Therefore, I know that it is easy to just say these things and not believe it. I confess that some days I wish I could get a vacation from being me! Yet, I am at the point in my recovery, where I am beginning to think differently. I no longer want to be ill and I want to achieve a life that I have always dreamed of. I know that having anorexia is not going to give me that life. So this is me...making decisions, and taking active steps towards recovery. I hope that when you are ready, you will too!

I haven't posted a picture of myself in a long time. So reader, here I am; happier, healthier and more hopeful that "Yes, I can do this!"

My Admission Letter to Guelph

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Casilda Highland. I am writing to you today in the hopes of receiving admission into the University of Guelph’s Applied Human Nutrition Program. This letter will relate to you everything that led me to this moment: writing a letter to get admission into a university whose nutrition program is accredited by the Ontario College of Dieticians.

My interest in food and nutrition and its relation to the human body was one that I developed at an early age. Growing up in Bangalore, a city in southern India, I was exposed to the tantalizing tastes and smells that the best Indian cuisine could offer. I studied in Malya Aditi International School, which followed the British curriculum. During my time there, not only did I receive an excellent education that primed me to be a thoughtful, curious, young learner, I also experienced Indian cultural values through studying the ceremonies, plays, musical and dance traditions of my country. When I immigrated to Canada with my family at the age of 10, I welcomed a new chapter in my life. As an immigrant, leaving my home country was very difficult. To say that I was culture shocked was an understatement. It was overwhelming.

Why did I choose to include this in my letter today? Well, all these events lead up to the culmination of my decision to enter into the Applied Human Nutrition Program, so please stay with me a little while longer. I spent the first decade of my life in India, and half of the second trying to fit into Canada, this new country that I was now proud to call home. All through high school, I took science and math in the hopes that once I graduated, I would get into Human Biology and then I would decide what I wanted to do with my life.

However, as it often happens, plans sometimes do not turn out the way you want them to. When I was in Grade 11, I developed depression and anxiety. To say developed would be inaccurate- I always was an anxious person. It just so happened that my anxiety was finally starting to become maladaptive. During my senior year in high school, I had a sudden interest in weight loss, which I later realized was my way of coping with the anxiety the uncertainty that the transition from high school to university caused me. I really wanted to achieve that perfect, toned body that would look amazing in any prom dress. I didn’t want to face the agony of falling in love with a dress, only to have my heart broken because it didn’t fit! 

This was the beginning of my downward spiral into anorexia. Prom came and went, graduation passed, however, the new obsession was now to lose weight to look amazing for university. My first semester in university, due to the sudden stress and shock of transitioning from a small high school in Markham, to the University of Toronto’s entire campus, sent me into major depression. By April of my first year in university, not only had I dropped out, but also was hospitalized for six months at Credit Valley Hospital for anorexia. During my time there I got a chance to undergo intensive therapy and nutritional rehabilitation. It was then that I discovered my vocation.

While I was in the hospital, one thing that I noticed was that eating disorder programs were not catered to accommodate people of various cultures. In a multicultural Canadian society, it shocked me to learn of how few dieticians had knowledge on ethnic cuisine. At our eating disorder program, we used the diabetic exchange system to ensure that we were on a meal plan that sustained our nutritional needs. My inquiries about how I could incorporate more of my cultural dishes into my diet were left unanswered. That is why during the time that I was ill, I gave up the flavourful curries and spicy sauces that comprised my childhood.

Taking some time off school was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. During this time, I was a Starbucks barista at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto. There, I actively engaged with patients, families, doctors, nurses and everyone who passed through, and saw first hand the comfort a hot cup of coffee gave to a tired parent returning from spending the night beside their child in ICU. I saw the smile that a perfectly pink cotton candy Frappuccino brought to a child’s face after she just finished her third round of chemotherapy. This experience taught me compassion, empathy, kindness, and that it is the little things, not grand gestures that lead to happiness. I knew then that I wanted to work in the healthcare and help people. I saw the emotional comfort and invigorating effect of food on the weary and sad.

While working in Starbucks, I also volunteered at my church. Between volunteer and work, I was still struggling to cope with my anorexia. I was hospitalized once more during March 2015, tube fed and brought back to a healthy weight. In September, after much fear and hesitation, I reenrolled into the University of Toronto. This past year has been spent on concentrating on my health as well as rediscovering my passion for learning.

I want to be admitted into the Applied Human Nutrition Program because I hope to become a dietician. I believe that due to my personal experience, I know first hand the importance of nutrition to the maintenance of health. I want to raise awareness about eating disorders, both in Toronto, the province, Canada, as well as the world. I want to advocate for the treatment and management of illnesses caused by malnutrition. I hope that because of my experience, I can inspire and motivate other girls like me to feel as though they are good enough, because that is what I am, and that is what we all are. Hopefully my appeal through this letter also helps you decide that I am good enough and worthy of admission into the program.

Thank you so much for your time.

Casilda Highland

Healing with Time

Hello There!

It has certainly been a while since I last wrote. However, a lot has happened in my life since then. I finally completed my first year at the University of Toronto. This is a huge achievement for me as I dropped out after the midterms of my second semester in 2012 when I studied Human Biology. I never thought that I would be able to step back on that campus. It was a place where I had a lot of my symptoms: starving myself, exercising to exhaustion, and not to mention the terrible depression and anxiety I had as a result of my transition from high school to university. I was traumatized by my experience there.

Time really does work wonders when it comes to healing. The more time that went by, the more I understood that it was not the physical building that was traumatizing. I think this can apply to any scary experience. Something that my mum helped me work through was the fact that it was my experience there that was terrible. Not the actual location itself. The first time I returned there, I brought my mum to walk along with me. I'm not going to deny that there were a few tears and I was terrified. We begun with just driving around the neighbourhood where my university it located. Then we worked our way to driving around the actual campus, and then finally actually walking the same halls where 3 years ago I was a haunted, shell of a person.

Completing my first year- rather just going back to school was one of the best things I could have done for my recovery. It gave me the confidence that I could do it- I could complete something and do it successfully while loving every minute of it! This year, I did mainly English courses to get back into the whole "academia" world. I also did psychology and statistics- I loved it! What can I say? I'm a math nerd! ^_^

This brings me to my really exciting news! I have known for a while now that although English is my love and passion, I want to expand and integrate my science background into what I choose to do as a a career. Another topic of interest that I have always had is healthcare. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder, I know the struggle of being an overweight child, being bullied for it, not only by peers, but from my own dad as well. I know what its like to think that losing 10 pounds will make a guy like you- or even dance with you at those horrid elementary school dances...Therefore, I'm going to share with you my secret aspiration and dream. Ready?

I applied into Guelph's Applied Human Nutrition Program. I got in! :)

I understand that there is a possible dietetic internship once I graduate, however, I hope that I can do my masters and even a ph.D so that I can work on educating those who work in communities, especially with children, on nutrition, healthcare, and run programs specifically designed to show families that eating healthy is not that difficult. A life changing revelation that I learnt as a result of my many relapses has been that the saying "calories in=calories out" while not a 100% true, basically covers the gist of what it takes to lose or gain weight. In the hospital, I ate the "healthiest" foods and was tube fed around 1000 calories per night. I still gained all my weight back. So to summarize...

Yes you can eat that slice of cake. Yes you can have a burger once in a while. Yes, you can eat something deep fried. You may say that these are "unhealthy" or "bad" foods. I say, you are absolutely correct. You may then ask me "so why would I?" To which I reply, firstly, you don't have to. However, how sad is a world without ice cream? Honestly... Can you imagine never eating your fave dessert again?

On to my next point: when people judge the "healthiness" of foods, they mainly look at calories and fat, as well as the carbohydrates. Foods high in all three of the above are considered "bad." Why is this? Do these foods really "make you fat?" To which I PROMISE you...No they do not. Eating these foods occasionally and in moderation is okay. I work with the diabetic exchange system. One way of explaining this is that one serving of dessert is usually 3 choices- or around 300 calories. Through portioning you can "have your cake and eat it too!"

As a  recovering anorexic, I am not going to delude my readers into thinking that I am at the place  where I am ready to put a slice of cake or pie in my body. I really am trying hard to work my way up to that eventually. One way I am beginning to wrap my head around the whole concept, is to first eat "healthy" versions of these "bad" foods. By healthy I mean foods in which some of the ingredients such as butter and white flour are subbed out for applesauce and whole wheat flour to increase the food's nutritional value. When I say "increase" its nutritional value, its to make the food have a beneficial property that my body can use.

For example, when I have frozen yoghurt, I think okay, yes this is chock full of sugar...BUT it also has calcium..however little! and I like eating it...This is how I try to wrap my mind around the idea. I try to reframe my thinking. This is very helpful in talking back to your eating disorder voices. I looooove blueberry pancakes. I found some whole grain blueberry pancake mix, add an egg and a handful of blueberries, and voila! I eat pancakes!

What I have just highlighted above and told you is what I want more people to know. If I knew then what I know now about nutrition and health, I would be in a different place. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I also think that I was put on this earth to help people, especially kids, who like me are disempowered because of how they look. I want to help communities realize the importance of healthy nutritious food and be part of programs that facilitate this. I believe education can really change the world. That is why I write so much. That is why I write this blog. I try to convey my experience to you in the hopes that you may find it both useful, and that it may give you hope. I truly am excited about Guelph and after a long time, have rediscovered dreams, goals and aspirations!

It truly is a wonderful feeling and I am so thankful! As always, I hope you will message me with any questions/comments you may have!