Reaching a Healthy Weight

Health care professionals, therapists, and even myself, have constantly said that I need to get up to a certain "healthy weight." Whenever they said it, the idea was a foreign, unimaginable concept to me. To be honest, I didn't think that I would be able to do it. This is why I never actually prepared myself for when it would happen. However, like the promise of rain on a cloudy April day, here I am, at my "healthy weight."

WAIT WAIT WAIT... WHAT did I just say?! Yeah, I did it. I am officially now at my healthy weight. To answer the next question about what it feels like to be here, the first most prominent feeling is feeling like the scum of the earth. Anna going batshit inside telling me that instead of just being a loser, failure, or disappointment,  I  am now a fat loser, failure and disappointment.

Okay Anna, I hear you. You're mad. You're being a mean bitch because this time I didn't listen to you. You are making me feel like shit because you didn't get your way. You are a sore loser and don't know when it is time to throw down the towel. You are pissed that "Cassy" has taken at least, part of the control back from you.

Below Anna's anger however, I realize that "Cassy" is scared- terrified beyond words actually. What does this mean? Does this mean that my life will miraculously be okay? Does this mean that I can go back and do the things I used to do before I was sick? Can I go back to school? Get a job? Start a new life?

WHOA.. hold on there Cassy! Don't get ahead of yourself. These previous few questions just prove how much anxiety and fear can come from reaching ones healthy weight. It is easy for the mind to race constantly, catastrophising, fortune telling and guessing what might happen in the future.

Notice one thing. I'm constantly thinking ahead, mind racing with thoughts of what will be, rather than what is. I think this has been where I have strayed of the healthy course during my previous times of recovery. I have always thought that when I reached my healthy weight, I would be able to immediately resume all my day to day activities and get life back to "normal. "

However, this time I am aiming to be different. To start with, I am going to tell you openly and honestly exactly what I feel, right now, in this moment; scared, excited, shocked, and yes, even a teensy bit proud of myself for how far I've come.

It wasn't a joy ride getting here and I think it is important to take the time to acknowledge just how hard we all fight when dealing with any sort of mental illness. Thinking of a mental illness as you would a physical one might put your recovery into perspective. Certainly, you wouldn't expect a person just recovering from a major heart transplant, to suddenly go back the way they lived their "normal life"before surgery. You know that there is a long period of time after surgery in rehabilitation and learning to live with this new heart.

In this way, I think I am going to look at reaching my healthy weight, as surviving a major, life changing surgery. In many ways, recovering from an eating disorder is very much physical, as well as mental. I think that is where we have to give ourselves credit and appreciation for just how hard we're working to fight this every single day.  Its taking everything one step at a time and being patient. I'm not proud of it, however, I am an extremely impatient person and look for immediate self gratification rather than the long term. This is common with people who have eating disorder; dealing with the present moment and not having patience is too hard, so that is how Anna tricks us. Anna is immediate, self-gratifying in the moment yet destructive and ruinous in the long run. Sticking to our true selves and fighting through those uncomfortable, horrible feelings, and thoughts, might feel shitty right now, but rationally, we KNOW that getting better will help us have a better life.

Lastly, I would like to add that many would like to know "now what?" I suggest really looking into other areas of your life where you can get enjoyment and feel good about yourself. If you aren't in any therapy or self help groups, I highly recommend it. Therapy might seem scary, daunting, or even taboo at first, yet, it is the single most best and life changing thing you can possibly do for yourself.

Something to do right now, is to think of or make a goal of doing one thing that you can do, that you could't do when you were sick. It could be eating your favourite meal, spending time with the family, or even something as simple as talking to a friend, or as in my case, journaling and blogging about it. I really hope that my post today can help you gain insight into what you may be feeling at this point in you recovery. Stay strong and never give up the fight with ANNA... honestly, I never thought I could do it, and here I am. A survivor. And a fighter.

Thalasso Bain Bébé Jumeaux - Twin Baby Bath

https://youtu.be/qY-d46-gPMI

This just filled me with a sense of awe and wonder!

What "Recovery From an Eating Disorder" Really Is

You may have heard so many of them; the success stories of "those" people who "once had eating problems" but are "all better now". You probably look at them in awe, confusion, anger, even jealousy and think "why can't that be me?" Something I have realized throughout this struggle is that having an eating disorder is not like having a cold or a fever. You don't get "cured" and move on with your life as if nothing happened.  The first really important thing to remember is that you can't "recover" from an eating disorder. Before you object to my negativity, I assure you, there's hope. Just allow me to explain myself.

Firstly, realizing the aforementioned statement was the most important and life changing moment in my recovery. I came to terms with the fact that my eating disorder would now be like a constant shadow, something that follows and stays with me everywhere I go. No matter how much I tried to deny or ignore it, it will and was always there, at least for me. At first, this thought and idea crippled me with despair. With realizing just what a huge part of me the eating disorder was taking away I was  deeply saddened and depressed. There was anger too...and lots of it. Anger at my parents, anger at the events of my childhood, and yes, anger at myself.  There was a lot of self loathing running through my mind. Thoughts such as "how could I have done this?" "I've screwed my life up" or "I hate my parents and everyone for not understanding my difficulties.." and mostly "I hate myself for getting this way."

So now we are at a point where I realized that this was a part of me. That Anna was akin to me, a constant presence situated deep in my head that manipulated my thoughts and actions. I have discovered that there are different degrees of recovery and that each person's journey is different and unique. A girl who was admitted into the inpatient program with me in 2013, now has gotten her life back to normal. She eats everything, completed school and seems to be having a good life. The period in Credit Valley for her was no doubt a dark time, and one that she will never forget. Often I found myself envying and comparing myself to her. After all, we both started on the same page.. how was it then that she could be "recovered" and I couldn't?

Another girl, who I met in program, and honestly the best friend I have ever had (lets call her Sharon), is on a different part in her recovery journey. Lets try a little imagery here: picture a long, dark hallway with doors on each side, and one door at the end of the hallway that leads out of the world of Anna. The girl who was admitted on the same day as me (lets call her Julie), has walked down this hallway and straight out the door. I can't guarantee that she wont venture back into the building, however, for now she has escaped. Sharon is in a different part in the hallway. She is halfway over to the exit, however, the glimmers of the various lights that escape from the side doors still tempt her. This has made her walk to the door at the end of the hall much slower. She is still drawn towards the false lights in each room, rather than the bright, natural sunshine that is outside the door at the end of the hall.

Sharon still struggles constantly wondering whether or not to enter into the safety and known world of artificial lights rather than venturing out into the sunlight where everything is uncertain and unknown. Sometimes she walks into these artificially lit rooms, but always has enough strength in her to step back out into the hallway and walk towards the sunlight.

So what does this metaphor mean exactly? It means that recovery is not something that happens. It is a constant struggle, an unending fight. There are times where we are drawn into the fake promises of a better life that Anna tricks us into thinking is in those side doors. Sometimes we enter those rooms and are distracted by the glamour of the illness into thinking that this is where we belong. Some girls choose to remain in those rooms rather than enter the sunlight. Others, leave the rooms, and the hallway never to look back again.

The most common thing that could happen to someone is what my friend Sharon has experienced, and what I am experiencing right now. Recovery is constant work, a constant struggle to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout the course of our lives, we have to work on keeping our goals in mind to avoid getting distracted by the lures of Anna and her false lights. Sometimes its making the choice to ignore the bright flashing lights going on all around us, and to just focus on the true light; the life that is real and the one where we are set free.

Many times we may even make it out into the sunlight, and then return back into the safety of what we know. That's ok too. It happens to everyone and everybody, not just people with eating disorders. Think about alcoholics, smokers, drug abusers who relapse. Give yourself the same amount of sympathy and compassion that you would them.

Know that recovery is always a work in progress. Also, it is something that is attainable, but perhaps not  in the way you imagined it would be. My advice to you is to take recovery in whatever form it comes. Even if you are still scared about eating certain foods, look at what you aren't scared of. Focus on what you CAN do rather than everything you can't. Take each victory over Anna, another step towards the sunlight, with enthusiasm and happiness. When we fall into temptation and go back to the illness, each time we must take something away from it. Learn what made us enter the side rooms and stray off our path. Knowing this, we can do our best to avoid these things in the future.

Lastly, the most important and critical truth that I will share with you about recovery, is that you don't have to walk down that hallway by yourself. You can hold the hand of a loved one, a friend, or even a promise of a better life. Lean on them and allow yourself to be led by them out of the darkness. This has been life changing in my experience. Anna wants you to walk the hallway alone as she knows you are easier to tempt when there is no one there. Don't let her use this fact to her advantage. Don't isolate yourself. Surround yourself with positive, loving, patient, compassionate people who care about you and want what's best for you. Sometimes it may be hard to lean on these people, however, it is essential to our recovery.Whether it be family, friends, therapists, other group members in a program we're in, we need them in our lives. Isolation from others is our undoing.

I hope this gives you a glimpse into the battle that you will face or are constantly facing each day of your life. It's not much different from the battle that most people face, that of choosing the difficult route to true happiness rather than shortcut our way to the illusion of it. It is a game; and we must take every victory and loss with a resilient will to continue playing. We must not let our slips determine our outcomes. No matter how long you have stayed in the hallway, there is always an escape. You have to be strong enough, brave enough, and smart enough to reach your goal. And no, I'm not saying its easy. I'm saying that when you step out into the sunlight, is just the beginning, a brand new wonderful world full of new hope and possibilities!

On reading Virginia Woolf's "Orlando"

Having read Mrs. Dalloway in my first year of university english, I was excited to start "Orlando". To be honest, I tried reading "To the Lighthouse", but didn't really enjoy the experience. I understand that you need patience to read the book as the concept of time is drawn out in such a way that an hour passing could be described in several ways with several different views... which actually makes me reconsider my decision to stop reading it. I guess that is part of the magic.

However, on to the book I am currently reading. From reading the synopsis on Goodreads or even the back of the book, one can come to the conclusion that yes, it is a biography. This biography is unique as Woolf doesn't hold back any judgements or conceptions she had of the time period in which Orlando is set. The book is divided into six chapters, and what I find really interesting is that at the end of each chapter, there is a photo of a significant character that appeared in the aforementioned chapter.

I'm not even going to begin to start analyzing the themes, symbols, characters and their motives etc in this post. If I did, I would go into full "English Essay Analysis" mode and thats not what I want to do. In fact, I want to do the exact opposite. Essays take on a very impersonal and distant, or as many people say, scholarly feel to them. What I want to do is to tell you exactly what I feel when I read Orlando rather that what I think. 

Today I completed the second chapter of the book, and to my surprise, found that I could empathize greatly with Orlando and understood exactly what he felt better than any character I've ever read about. I don't know if its Woolf's magical touch or just the stage of life I am in right now. Whatever it is, my empathy as well as commonality with many of the questions and issues Orlando face are very closely tied together.

Today, for example, I came upon a quote:

Life seemed to him of prodigious length. Yet even so, it went like a flash. But even when it stretched longest and the moments swelled biggest and he seemed to wander alone in deserts of vast eternity, there was no time for the smoothing out and deciphering of those thickly scored parchments which thirty years among men and women have rolled tight in his heart and brain.

This passage stood out to me as this is EXACTLY what i feel. The state of my physical and mental well being can be perfectly summed up by this passage. Orlando brought me to a realization that my present is coloured by my past, and that things don't occur at random, but have a sequence and an order to them. This is what I have also learnt in therapy over the years.

The fact that I can relate so much to Orlando still blows my mind! Like him, I tend to run away from things that have hurt me in the past, and avoid any such associations with them in the future. Like him, I isolated myself to my own home after a mental breakdown, while he had a heartbreak. There is truly some magic in being able to actually feel the pain and confusion, as well as the loss of what Orlando feels. I finished the second chapter today and it left me with a feeling of wanting. I want to know what happens to Orlando. Does he find his purpose? Does he find his courage to face life instead of always running away from it?

One thing that makes me sad, yet also feel less alone, is the knowledge that I am not alone. Someone out there in the world, living or dead, understands what it feels like to have your heart broken and your faith in humanity shaken. I think that is the true magic of reading and media, and blog articles such as mine. For one instant of time when we write, or when we read, we sense a feeling of companionship, of partnership, of a "we're all in this together" feeling.

So in order to prevent this from becoming to lengthy and boring and repetitive, the take away from my experience of reading this book so far is that we are not alone in our struggles. Even though it may feel like it, others feel the same way you do. Its learning to accept our feelings and being brave enough to face them which is the challenge.

I do have one accomplishment to write about. I attended a volunteer appreciation brunch at our church. I do admit I was very anxious about it, but once I was actually in there, everything seemed alright. I was surrounded by my friends and I felt like I could trust these people more than I could trust anyone other than my family. It really put into perspective who and what was important to my life. I am really glad I went and that I challenged myself not only with the process of eating out, but also socializing with others.

Like Ms. Frizzle says... Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy! Because frankly darling, that is how to live life to the fullest!

Rediscovering the Joy of Eating

Having an eating disorder makes one forget about the joy of eating. My mind sometimes is so wrapped around all the fear and anxiety of what I'm eating that it is hard to really concentrate on even tasting, let alone, enjoying what I am eating. Before coming to the hospital, I survived eating low fat fudgesicles,  rice pudding and oatmeal.

Being in the hospital, I met with the most fantastic dietician. She came to speak with me and asked me what my comfort foods were. I am a big lover of pudding, cottage cheese, custards, and oatmeal. Yesterday morning we got to change my meal plan to include foods that I enjoy and love.

Today was the first day of my new meal plan. Breakfast was a warm bowl of oatmeal with soy milk, and a custard cup. Eating my favourite foods, Anna usually doesn't have much control over me. I don't really care what she says as the pleasure of eating these foods drown out whatever she has to say about them.

KozyShack Custard 

Oatmeal

Lunch was even better! I had Cottage Cheese with pepper, Chocolate pudding and a slice of whole wheat bread! Keep in mind, that I am being tube fed also. This is just the extra food that I get to eat with my meal plan.

Whole Wheat Toast

Chocolate Pudding

Cottage Cheese

Treatment or no treatment? That is the question...!

Recently, I confess, that I have been in pre-contemplation mode for seeking treatment for my anorexia. I have been on the fence for a while now, and am becoming very confused with what I really want. I decided that the only possible way I could figure this out was to do a pros and cons list. I will keep adding to this list from now on!

Pros of Treatment                                        

• Getting a healthy body back
• Eating foods that I actually want...not foods that Anna makes me think I want to eat
• Being able to go back to school
• Working again 
• Volunteering at my church

Cons of Treatment

• Not being 100% secure in my body
• Eating various kinds of foods that I would not view as "healthy" or "nutritious" 
• I will not have control over many of the things I would want to have control over (what I eat, when I eat, how much I have to gain etc) 

A life altering Day

Its starts on 5 AM on March 6^th, 2015. It is cold outside, and dark, however, the weather is much improved from the -20 and -30 degree Celsius temperatures I have been faced with. It feels like just another ordinary day. For the past 6 months, I’ve been waking up at 5:30 am, going to work downtown at Sick Kids (I was a barista) and coming home at around 7:30 pm. Life seemed to be going on autopilot. I am a 20-year-old woman, and life right now, though not perfect, is liveable.

I love my job as a barista. I had been trying for two years to get into Starbucks. It was my dream job. When I got the call a few days before my birthday for an interview, I was so excited. As soon as I started working there I knew how much I loved talking to people and interacting with them; suggesting drink and food combinations, pairing a cookie with a latte. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always enjoyed preparing food and drinks for people. This job allowed me to live my little girl dreams of working in a café type setting. Serving people and making someone’s day with a cup of coffee and a smile is what made life worth it.

For the past two years, I have been working extremely hard to establish a life for myself. I volunteer at my local parish church. We do coffee Sunday, which is a ministry that serves coffee and cookies after masses. It was only recently that my family undertook this responsibility. It has been one of the few things that we can do together.

Let me explain. Most families go out to parties together. They grab a pizza when times get too hectic and mum’s not able to make dinner. Or families gather in fancy restaurants for special graduation, anniversary and birthday dinners. My family is different. In my family, anything related to eating or food is a taboo subject. It is not because we have a deathly allergy in the family certain foods or some rigid kosher or halal beliefs. Its not because we don’t enjoy doing these things together.

It’s because of me.I have an eating disorder. I am an anorexic; the restrictive subtype, which means that I severely restrict my food intake in an attempt to maintain my ideal body. The part that is so dangerous and risky and addictive about my illness is that it becomes like a game. When I lost the first 5 lbs. and people started noticing, initially, it felt amazing. “Wow! I look great I thought!” Then there came a time where I figured… “hmm.. losing 5 lbs. was met with such positive feedback, how about if I lost another 10?” And soon before I knew it, it became a game of “how low can it go?” Long story short, here I am 2 years later, in Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga Ontario finally seeking help for an eating disorder that I am ready to let go off.

I told my parents that I was heading to work a bit earlier last Friday. I left the house at around 5 am, got the ttc to finch station and then took the go bus to Credit Valley Hospital. I walked into emerge, equipped with a note that my family doctor had provided me. In this note, it stated that I was an anorexic and it listed all the side effects I was experiencing such as hypothermia, an abnormal heart rate, imbalanced electrolytes etc. Within two hours. I was admitted into the hospital. I called my mum as soon as I heard this and then waited for her to arrive. I spent the weekend in the hospital, moving from ward to ward until I could find a spot to make my own. On Monday morning, I was moved to 3b, the cardiac floor, and was certified under Dr. Staab. It has stated that if I try to leave the hospital before March 22, 2015, I will be brought back by security and handcuffed to my bed.

I was initially extremely upset over this. What felt like was under my complete and total control suddenly went way over my head and stopped being about what I wanted. However, I knew that this is something like jumping into a pool or ripping a band-aid off…you can do it slowly and painfully, or you can do it quickly, all at once and get it over with. Either way, its going to hurt, but both ways will get you the same results. Tuesday morning was the day the feeding tube went it. I am not going to lie or be brave and pretend that it did not hurt or feel unpleasant. It was not a good feeling at all. However, to get through this, I knew that this is what I needed to do for me. This is what I have to do to make sure that I am able to build a better life for myself.

This is a picture of me, in my hospital bed, on my first day. 

I'm not going to mention my weight or any numbers in this post, or in any future ones. I know how triggering that could be to someone so I'm not going to do it. However, I must emphasize that it is not pleasant to be such a low weight. And you don't want to put your body through that much hell. 

Having said that, I understand if you're reading this and are still not convinced that being anorexic is not fun. I was like that too. Getting this sick was a way of liberating myself. Finally being able to start from the very beginning and from the very bottom. That is the best place to start really. I needed this huge amount of suffering to realize that life is worth living.