My First Semester in Guelph!

Hello Readers,

I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote. It's because once school started, everything just got so busy! Let me recap everything that happened these past few months. It seems like a lifetime ago that I actually moved here and established my life in Guelph! For the first few weeks, I honestly didn't think what was happening was real. I was so scared that I'd suddenly wake up and it would all be a dream!

I was determined to have the entire university experience and live it to the fullest in order to get a 'redo' of sorts... This was my second chance at life and I came here determined to take advantage of that. Moving day was super exciting! Of course I was nervous. This was the first time I would be living on my own. It was my dad, my sister, and my uncle who came along to help me move in, armed with 1 pick up truck and all my furniture!

Moving Day!

I arrived in Guelph on the first day of orientation week. That very evening, I went to the block party the university was throwing along with the dinner. Yes reader. I actually ate the dinner. The University of Guelph, coincidentally has been ranked the best campus for food in Canada! And boy were they right! Everything that is served is healthy, good for you food. That night I had chicken breast burgers on a whole wheat bun, an apple, and drinks along with cookies for dessert. I admit, I skipped the cookies and drinks and stuck with water instead!

It's funny how things seem to coincide with each other! Tomorrow marks my first three months spent in Guelph. Today was the end of all classes for the first semester. The move has been amazing for me. It has allowed me to stretch my wings in a way that I never could before. I have really opened myself up to new experiences, new relationships, and new possibilities. I have never been more excited to actually live my life!

I posted some pictures of my sparsely decorated apartment below! I have yet to decorate it, and its bare bones right now. But if anything, this has shown me that yes, I can do this! And yes reader, if you are struggling, or have struggled, it is never ever too late to grab whatever life throws at you and make the best of it!

I was determined to have a white couch! After all, you know you're an adult when you own a white leather couch! ;) 

The bar table was another one of my fab finds. Did I mention, that I bought all of these things using Kijiji? 

My little kitchen! I don't really like how small it is and how the cupboards are all wonky! And if I lay an egg on the counter it rolls towards the stove! But it'll have to do for now I guess! 

And to finish my post dear reader, here I am in front of the beautiful Basilica in downtown Guelph:

HEALTHY HOPEFUL & HAPPY. 

Breakfast on the go!

Hello Readers!

When struggling with an eating disorder, it seems impossible to think about going on vacation. After all, vacations are places people go to break from their normal routine. To escape from the drudgery of regular everyday life and to 'cheat' with indulgent meals, drinks and desserts. So it's no surprise when faced with the concept of a 'vacation,' the person with an eating disorder cringes in horror. I'm no different. Vacations- or any break in my normal routine for that matter- is very difficult for me. I like my routine. I like the comfort of it. I like the security it gives me. But that is another can of worms to be opened on a different day! Today, I want to share with you my coping mechanisms for dealing with interruptions or breaks in your daily routines.

For example, I had a doctor's appointment where I needed to take fasting blood work. So I had to go to downtown Toronto without breakfast and eat on the go. Was I scared? Yes. Was my anxiety high? Of course. But I did do a few things that really helped. I knew that I wasn't ready to have an entire meal- a terrifying bacon breakfast sandwich from Tim Hortons for example. Instead, something I tend to do, is make sure that whenever I am in a situation that is strange or new, I try to reference back to what my regular routine normally is like.

That morning after my appointment, I decided to have my breakfast on the go. This is what I did: I boiled an egg before I left. I also got along a pack of instant oatmeal. I went to Starbucks, and got the barista to give me one of those little cups they put oatmeal in- without the oatmeal in it of course! Instead, I added the pack that I got from home. In a separate short cup, I asked the barista to fill it with hot water for me.

I chose President's Choice Instant Oatmeal. This is honestly the best instant oatmeal I have ever tasted! Many people crave the nutty texture steel cut oats gives them. However, they can't be cooked on the go. This oatmeal maintains its delicious nuttiness while also leaving you feeling deeply satisfied.

Usually, I always have a half cup of cottage cheese with breakfast. Not only do I absolutely love it, but its also really good for my bones.  My regular cup of black coffee is also another permanent addition to my morning meal. While my oatmeal was doing its thing getting cooked in its bowl, I went on to buy one of those little cups of Nordica Cottage Cheese. I usually buy the 500g tubs, but grocery stores in downtown Toronto always sell the individual ones as well. 

Voila! A satisfying, healthy, convenient, and CHEAP! breakfast. I ended up paying $3 for my entire meal. Pepper, forks, spoons, knives were free of course from the food court at a mall close by from the place I had my appointment. 

What about lunch and dinner you may ask? Yes I agree, breakfast seems to be an easy meal. Cereal, milk, something easy like that...? I agree. Lunch and dinner is much harder. When I went on my most recent vacation, what I chose to do, was make sandwiches for about 4 days. My family goes on road trips so we usually bring a cooler along to store our snacks and drinks. After making my sandwiches, I wrap them in cling-wrap and put them in ziplock bags. I then put them in one of those big plastic containers so that they don't get crushed or wet from the ice/juice. I also pack a lot of fruits that are easy to eat on the go. I like to take oranges and apples as they are both delicious, nutritious, and easy to travel with. 

For dinner, I went to a Tim Hortons near my hotel and picked up a bowl of their harvest vegetable soup. Reader, I cannot tell you how much I love this soup. It has potatoes, beans, chickpeas, veggies, all immersed in a deeply satisfying tomato broth. 

It's vegetarian, low fat, and delicious! Since a bowl of soup is obviously not enough for my dinner, I also packed along a bag full of cooked chicken strips- the kind that you use for sandwiches and find at the deli. I use the Turkey Breast Strips from Walmart, but you can use any protein you want to. Roasted chicken, tofu, tempeh, or whatever  protein you fancy!

I also brought along packs of greek yoghurt that I usually have, not only to add more calcium, protein and a dessert component, but also because of the deeply satisfied full feeling it gives me. 

Along with my yoghurt, I had an apple and even managed to find the rice pudding that I love at a local grocery store right beside my hotel! 

And there you have it reader! I managed to live on this for a couple of days. True, by the end, I was a little bored of eating the same things over and over again, yet it was the best that I could hope for in a situation that was so new, strange and completely terrifying for me. 

I found that trying to do things the way that I do at home or in a place that I am comfortable in, helps me deal with my anxiety. Three years ago, when I first started struggling with anorexia, I could not imagine ever leaving the comfort of my home or my routine. It has taken a lot of practice and effort to get to where I am right now in my recovery. 

Through my experiences, I have learnt that recovery is not an either/or concept. Rather, it is a continuing process that never ends. It involves effort on both your part as well as those around you. While I do try to push myself to live as normally as possible, I also know my limitations. I am not yet ready to go stay at someones house or to travel more than a day or two's drive away from Toronto. I know that when my parents decide to go to India next summer, that is something that I won't be able to do. 

And reader, I am okay with that. Really. It does suck a little. I would love to go back and see my family again- especially my grandma who I miss just as much as I did the day I left her at the airport 10 years ago. Yet, I know that when I am ready I will find the strength to do it. Just as I couldn't imagine living my life or surviving when I first got anorexia, I am now beginning to see that with a effort, time, and perseverance, things do get easier. I promise you. Please don't give up. I believe that you can do it! 

What coping mechanisms do you use when faced with a new situation? I would love to know in the comments below! 

Another Turning Point

Hello Reader, 


Today I reached another 'fork in the road' in regards to my recovery journey. My struggle with anorexia not only effected my weight, it also made me develop severe osteoporosis. According to Health Canada, 

Osteoporosis is a bone disease where bone loss occurs more rapidly than normal causing bones to become very thin and weak over time. While osteoporosis is more common among older individuals, it can affect people of all ages. 

When bones become severely weakened by osteoporosis, a simple movement such as bending over to pick up a bag of groceries, or a minor trauma, such as a fall from standing height or less, can lead to fracture (breaks or cracks in the bone)."

One of the main reasons why I developed osteoporosis is because as a result of the starvation I put my body through, the estrogen levels decreased so much that I stopped having my period completely. For those science geeks out there, estrogen along with vitamin D is responsible for healthy bones and the absorption and maintenance of calcium in the bones. 

Today I made the decision, after years of being urged by my doctor, to start the birth control pill in order to kick start my menses. To most, this may seem inconsequential, and yet another pill that I have to take. However, to a recovering anorexic, this is huge. I confess that I thoroughly enjoyed not having a period. Which woman actually wants to be on their period? 

Yet, I take it as a testament of my growth and maturity, that I have reached a point where I am actually voluntarily making myself get a period! It is going to be hard, and I understand that. However, this decision is right up there with eating a scary food. It is a stepping stone towards a healthier body, and eventually a healthier me!

So I urge all my readers, whether you struggle with anorexia, or are just reading because...

Please Please Please take care of yourself. Take your vitamins, do what you need to for your body and mind's well-being. I have abused my body for so long, and part of recovering from this illness is learning to love yourself once more. I see this as another step towards achieving a recovery that is long-lasting and effective. 

After all, if we don't love ourselves, then we can't be angry/sad/disappointed when others reject us. It is only when we don't have self love that we begin to care so much about the acceptance and love of others. And isn't this where anorexia begins? When you try to get thinner to get the guy, the job, the perfect body etc... Therefore, I know that it is easy to just say these things and not believe it. I confess that some days I wish I could get a vacation from being me! Yet, I am at the point in my recovery, where I am beginning to think differently. I no longer want to be ill and I want to achieve a life that I have always dreamed of. I know that having anorexia is not going to give me that life. So this is me...making decisions, and taking active steps towards recovery. I hope that when you are ready, you will too!

I haven't posted a picture of myself in a long time. So reader, here I am; happier, healthier and more hopeful that "Yes, I can do this!"

My Admission Letter to Guelph

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Casilda Highland. I am writing to you today in the hopes of receiving admission into the University of Guelph’s Applied Human Nutrition Program. This letter will relate to you everything that led me to this moment: writing a letter to get admission into a university whose nutrition program is accredited by the Ontario College of Dieticians.

My interest in food and nutrition and its relation to the human body was one that I developed at an early age. Growing up in Bangalore, a city in southern India, I was exposed to the tantalizing tastes and smells that the best Indian cuisine could offer. I studied in Malya Aditi International School, which followed the British curriculum. During my time there, not only did I receive an excellent education that primed me to be a thoughtful, curious, young learner, I also experienced Indian cultural values through studying the ceremonies, plays, musical and dance traditions of my country. When I immigrated to Canada with my family at the age of 10, I welcomed a new chapter in my life. As an immigrant, leaving my home country was very difficult. To say that I was culture shocked was an understatement. It was overwhelming.

Why did I choose to include this in my letter today? Well, all these events lead up to the culmination of my decision to enter into the Applied Human Nutrition Program, so please stay with me a little while longer. I spent the first decade of my life in India, and half of the second trying to fit into Canada, this new country that I was now proud to call home. All through high school, I took science and math in the hopes that once I graduated, I would get into Human Biology and then I would decide what I wanted to do with my life.

However, as it often happens, plans sometimes do not turn out the way you want them to. When I was in Grade 11, I developed depression and anxiety. To say developed would be inaccurate- I always was an anxious person. It just so happened that my anxiety was finally starting to become maladaptive. During my senior year in high school, I had a sudden interest in weight loss, which I later realized was my way of coping with the anxiety the uncertainty that the transition from high school to university caused me. I really wanted to achieve that perfect, toned body that would look amazing in any prom dress. I didn’t want to face the agony of falling in love with a dress, only to have my heart broken because it didn’t fit! 

This was the beginning of my downward spiral into anorexia. Prom came and went, graduation passed, however, the new obsession was now to lose weight to look amazing for university. My first semester in university, due to the sudden stress and shock of transitioning from a small high school in Markham, to the University of Toronto’s entire campus, sent me into major depression. By April of my first year in university, not only had I dropped out, but also was hospitalized for six months at Credit Valley Hospital for anorexia. During my time there I got a chance to undergo intensive therapy and nutritional rehabilitation. It was then that I discovered my vocation.

While I was in the hospital, one thing that I noticed was that eating disorder programs were not catered to accommodate people of various cultures. In a multicultural Canadian society, it shocked me to learn of how few dieticians had knowledge on ethnic cuisine. At our eating disorder program, we used the diabetic exchange system to ensure that we were on a meal plan that sustained our nutritional needs. My inquiries about how I could incorporate more of my cultural dishes into my diet were left unanswered. That is why during the time that I was ill, I gave up the flavourful curries and spicy sauces that comprised my childhood.

Taking some time off school was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. During this time, I was a Starbucks barista at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto. There, I actively engaged with patients, families, doctors, nurses and everyone who passed through, and saw first hand the comfort a hot cup of coffee gave to a tired parent returning from spending the night beside their child in ICU. I saw the smile that a perfectly pink cotton candy Frappuccino brought to a child’s face after she just finished her third round of chemotherapy. This experience taught me compassion, empathy, kindness, and that it is the little things, not grand gestures that lead to happiness. I knew then that I wanted to work in the healthcare and help people. I saw the emotional comfort and invigorating effect of food on the weary and sad.

While working in Starbucks, I also volunteered at my church. Between volunteer and work, I was still struggling to cope with my anorexia. I was hospitalized once more during March 2015, tube fed and brought back to a healthy weight. In September, after much fear and hesitation, I reenrolled into the University of Toronto. This past year has been spent on concentrating on my health as well as rediscovering my passion for learning.

I want to be admitted into the Applied Human Nutrition Program because I hope to become a dietician. I believe that due to my personal experience, I know first hand the importance of nutrition to the maintenance of health. I want to raise awareness about eating disorders, both in Toronto, the province, Canada, as well as the world. I want to advocate for the treatment and management of illnesses caused by malnutrition. I hope that because of my experience, I can inspire and motivate other girls like me to feel as though they are good enough, because that is what I am, and that is what we all are. Hopefully my appeal through this letter also helps you decide that I am good enough and worthy of admission into the program.

Thank you so much for your time.

Casilda Highland

Healing with Time

Hello There!

It has certainly been a while since I last wrote. However, a lot has happened in my life since then. I finally completed my first year at the University of Toronto. This is a huge achievement for me as I dropped out after the midterms of my second semester in 2012 when I studied Human Biology. I never thought that I would be able to step back on that campus. It was a place where I had a lot of my symptoms: starving myself, exercising to exhaustion, and not to mention the terrible depression and anxiety I had as a result of my transition from high school to university. I was traumatized by my experience there.

Time really does work wonders when it comes to healing. The more time that went by, the more I understood that it was not the physical building that was traumatizing. I think this can apply to any scary experience. Something that my mum helped me work through was the fact that it was my experience there that was terrible. Not the actual location itself. The first time I returned there, I brought my mum to walk along with me. I'm not going to deny that there were a few tears and I was terrified. We begun with just driving around the neighbourhood where my university it located. Then we worked our way to driving around the actual campus, and then finally actually walking the same halls where 3 years ago I was a haunted, shell of a person.

Completing my first year- rather just going back to school was one of the best things I could have done for my recovery. It gave me the confidence that I could do it- I could complete something and do it successfully while loving every minute of it! This year, I did mainly English courses to get back into the whole "academia" world. I also did psychology and statistics- I loved it! What can I say? I'm a math nerd! ^_^

This brings me to my really exciting news! I have known for a while now that although English is my love and passion, I want to expand and integrate my science background into what I choose to do as a a career. Another topic of interest that I have always had is healthcare. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder, I know the struggle of being an overweight child, being bullied for it, not only by peers, but from my own dad as well. I know what its like to think that losing 10 pounds will make a guy like you- or even dance with you at those horrid elementary school dances...Therefore, I'm going to share with you my secret aspiration and dream. Ready?

I applied into Guelph's Applied Human Nutrition Program. I got in! :)

I understand that there is a possible dietetic internship once I graduate, however, I hope that I can do my masters and even a ph.D so that I can work on educating those who work in communities, especially with children, on nutrition, healthcare, and run programs specifically designed to show families that eating healthy is not that difficult. A life changing revelation that I learnt as a result of my many relapses has been that the saying "calories in=calories out" while not a 100% true, basically covers the gist of what it takes to lose or gain weight. In the hospital, I ate the "healthiest" foods and was tube fed around 1000 calories per night. I still gained all my weight back. So to summarize...

Yes you can eat that slice of cake. Yes you can have a burger once in a while. Yes, you can eat something deep fried. You may say that these are "unhealthy" or "bad" foods. I say, you are absolutely correct. You may then ask me "so why would I?" To which I reply, firstly, you don't have to. However, how sad is a world without ice cream? Honestly... Can you imagine never eating your fave dessert again?

On to my next point: when people judge the "healthiness" of foods, they mainly look at calories and fat, as well as the carbohydrates. Foods high in all three of the above are considered "bad." Why is this? Do these foods really "make you fat?" To which I PROMISE you...No they do not. Eating these foods occasionally and in moderation is okay. I work with the diabetic exchange system. One way of explaining this is that one serving of dessert is usually 3 choices- or around 300 calories. Through portioning you can "have your cake and eat it too!"

As a  recovering anorexic, I am not going to delude my readers into thinking that I am at the place  where I am ready to put a slice of cake or pie in my body. I really am trying hard to work my way up to that eventually. One way I am beginning to wrap my head around the whole concept, is to first eat "healthy" versions of these "bad" foods. By healthy I mean foods in which some of the ingredients such as butter and white flour are subbed out for applesauce and whole wheat flour to increase the food's nutritional value. When I say "increase" its nutritional value, its to make the food have a beneficial property that my body can use.

For example, when I have frozen yoghurt, I think okay, yes this is chock full of sugar...BUT it also has calcium..however little! and I like eating it...This is how I try to wrap my mind around the idea. I try to reframe my thinking. This is very helpful in talking back to your eating disorder voices. I looooove blueberry pancakes. I found some whole grain blueberry pancake mix, add an egg and a handful of blueberries, and voila! I eat pancakes!

What I have just highlighted above and told you is what I want more people to know. If I knew then what I know now about nutrition and health, I would be in a different place. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I also think that I was put on this earth to help people, especially kids, who like me are disempowered because of how they look. I want to help communities realize the importance of healthy nutritious food and be part of programs that facilitate this. I believe education can really change the world. That is why I write so much. That is why I write this blog. I try to convey my experience to you in the hopes that you may find it both useful, and that it may give you hope. I truly am excited about Guelph and after a long time, have rediscovered dreams, goals and aspirations!

It truly is a wonderful feeling and I am so thankful! As always, I hope you will message me with any questions/comments you may have!

Recovery...The Realistic Relevant Way

Scrolling down the news feed page of my Facebook profile, I see that one of my friends has posted yet another entry about her vacation in Europe where she is "backpacking for recovery." She has been through Credit Valley's program twice, once with me in 2013, and then again in 2015 after she was sexually assaulted at a party. Along with breathtaking pictures documenting her journey in Europe, complete with foodie experiences such as a giant chocolate covered pretzel and ice-cream, her recovery journey is documented minute by minute into what seems to be something out of a movie. 

This is great. I am happy for her. Truly. A little jealous. Well maybe a lot. Travelling to Europe in order to recover from an Eating Disorder? As romantic as that sounds, although it may work for her in the moment, how will it play out in the long run. That brings me to my next question...How can I, a young adult, not exactly the richest person on the planet, recover from this illness in a way that is realistic, lasting and most of all affordable. Let me begin with a thought experiment. Lets say that I did have a bottomless bank account. Would travelling help me to recover? Maybe. The likelihood of this being successful seems really small. 

Firstly, I know first hand how the environment we are surrounded with contribute to the manifestation and maintenance of an eating disorder. Secondly, I also know that its very easy to "recover" when life is a series of metaphorical walks on the beach. It is only when that volleyball comes out of nowhere, abruptly and painfully interrupting your stroll in the sun, that you begin to really falter and wonder if you can continue. 

Addressing my first point: Family and environment play a crucial role in eating disorders. As my psychiatrist says, when a person suffers from an eating disorder, in reality, the whole family is suffering. The person labelled with the eating disorder is just exhibiting the symptoms of maladaptive thinking and behaviours of the whole family. I can confidently say that this is the case for me. No other treatment has been more effective than when I finally agreed to involve my parents in my recovery journey. 

Secondly, treatment programs that take you away from the triggering environment seem to work. However, a person suffering from an eating disorder must learn to live in the environment and work towards changing it or changing their reactions to it because environmental factors have a huge influence on the eating disorder. 

Another breakthrough has been returning to school. I was very hesitant about going back, as it was during my first year at university that I got sick. However, last September I decided that I should give it another shot. That turned out to be the best decision I have ever made. I had forgotten how much I loved learning and using my brain in more productive ways than just counting calories. What I'm trying to say is this: Find something that you absolutely love doing that benefits you in a positive way. It could be anything: for me it was going back to school, and volunteering at my church. Start doing it, even if it doesn't immediately feel good or your eating disorder makes it hard to enjoy. I can promise you that the more you practice this, that is, doing something you are passionate about, eventually one day you will begin to get some enjoyment out of it. 

My advice to you if school or work or volunteering is too much, other things could be writing in a journal, colouring, gardening, redecorating or whatever you love doing. You will find that there will come a time where you care more about the fact that you need to finish that book or complete that drawing you were working on, rather than what you ate for lunch.  I'm not going to lie: you are still going to think about lunch. However, the duration of these thoughts slowly start to decrease. While you used to spend an hour freaking out over calories or pounds, this time shortens to 45 mins, 30, 10, and eventually just a few minutes. 

The other learning curve in my own recovery journey has been the realization of all the ways my eating disorder not only isolated me, but also made me a very self absorbed person. Because if you think about it, we eating disorder sufferers are pretty self obsessed. For some reason beyond our control, we constantly think about our flaws, our fears, and our shortcomings. So much so, that this causes us to binge (not in my case), purge, starve ourselves and worse. On the outside, it may look like we have stopped caring for ourselves. After all, we refuse to provide basic nourishment to our own bodies. However, another, more realistic way of looking at it, is that we stop caring for the people in our lives. We become so self absorbed and wrapped up in the demons that inhabit our thoughts, that we forget that other people live, breathe, and continue their lives and continue to face challenges. 

My mother's diagnosis of Stage 3, Grade 3 cancer was something that really was like the volleyball flying out of nowhere and interrupting my walk across the beach. To describe it with the same analogy I have been using, lets just say that her diagnosis hit me out of nowhere and knocked me to the ground. Suddenly I woke up, dazed and confused, wondering where I was for the last 5 years and how I ended up here in the first place. To summarize what I am trying to say, I just want to give you hope in your attempt at recovery. Even though it seems as though there is no escape from your illness, after a lot of time, therapy, patience, and hard work, continuing with life is something you learn to do once more. 

Whether you are forced to continue and persevere through it, I take comfort in the fact that whatever happens in my life is an opportunity to learn, grow, and move on. There will come a time where you will find something that matters so much to you that your eating disorder will take the back seat. Whether it is a hobby, your career, your pet, or anything that is meaningful to you. Find your friends and the reasons life is worth living to you. It may not seem as though there is anything, but it could be something as small as a snowflake, or something big, like the view from a Paris sidewalk or Swedish Alp! Whatever it is, make the best out of it! 

Christmas Check In

I know that it has been a really long time since I last wrote. A lot has happened in my life since then. My mum started her chemotherapy and I started school in September. School has been something of a revelation to me. I forgot how much I loved to learn, to devour literary works, write analytic essays on Wordsworth or even writing a few stories myself! I also took a poetry class and I actually really enjoyed it. English is my one true love and I know that I will always enjoy writing as well as reading. It was scary at first going back to UTSC. The last time I was there, I was really sick and it was horrible. I never thought that I would ever return back there again. I guess I surprised myself once again!

I have successfully completed one semester of school. I can hardly believe this! The beginning of the year I was working 30 hours a week at Starbucks, then I was hospitalized for two months and then I spent the summer in therapy. I didn't even hope to end the year off as successfully as I did. Despite all the happenings of the year, I still maintain that I am blessed and successful in both my recovery as well as my relationships with others. 

An integral part of my recovery process has been family therapy where my parents and I have learnt how to communicate and interact with each other in more effective and supportive ways. In my experience, family therapy has been revolutionary to my recovery process. Along with therapy, honesty is another big thing that I want to emphasize when it comes to recovery. I have been honest and open about what I struggle with, and doing so, has allowed me to get connected with the appropriate resources and support systems available to me. An example of this is UTSC's accessibility services. Its really important to harness all the resources and supports available to you in order to ensure an easier experience. It is also really important to not feel guilty about using them. Having a mental illness is a serious and real struggle that needs to be acknowledged and addressed.  Recognizing my weaknesses has helped me deal with situations that are challenging, such as eating out or socializing. 

Speaking of challenges, the holidays can be a really hard time for anyone who suffers from an illness, whether physical or mental. In my case, I have really high anxiety and am usually sad. However, this christmas was actually one of the best ones I have had in a long time. My mum tells me that this is because I am in a much better mental state, and I guess that is true. My favourite part of the holidays is buying presents for everyone in my family. This also makes me really anxious as I worry if they will like my presents or not! I also really enjoy baking. This year I made these amazing shortbread cookies, decorated the gingerbread house with Carissa and made an eggnog spiced cake. It was an amazing success. Everyone loved it! I will post the recipe and pics up as well. 

Every family has their own Christmas traditions, and we are no exception. On christmas eve, we usually go to church in the evening. This year we went for the evening mass at 5pm. Then we came home, ate dinner, took some pictures, and got to relax and listen to carols and the special christmas broadcast on the radio. After this, curled up in front of the tv, sipping mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallows,  our whole family watches The Polar Express. We do this every single year. It is our Highland family tradition. Then it's off to bed, but not before putting out the gingerbread house, a glass of milk and Carissa's letter to Santa. Theres gingerbread for Santa to nibble on and carrots for the reindeer! 

Christmas morning was filled with the usual excitement of unwrapping presents. Then we cleaned the house up a bit and got ready for the dinner party that we were going to have later that day. I was feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing as it was my cousins as well as our neighbours who were coming over. It was actually a really good evening. I ate my own dinner, and talked a bit with the guests. I have been making an attempt to be more social and interact with people more. However, I have also remembered to be kind to myself, as well as more patient, and accept my limitations when it comes to being social. 

The best present I had this christmas was having my mum here still with us. I have learnt to appreciate the small things, such as taking the good days and savouring the happiness of the moment. I always do a review list of the top moments of the year. These memories I turn over and over in my head, remembering them when I'm down, and even when I'm happy, since it adds to my happiness. No matter what happens, or where I am next year, I know that right now in this moment I'm happy. I try not to think too far ahead and I just enjoy each and every minute of the day to the best of my ability!