Dear Anna... A letter to the bitch that ruined my life...

It seems as though I always thought that you were a part of me. That you were my voice, and that your thoughts, feelings and opinions were mine. Perhaps this is because you look, sound and feel exactly like me, and in many ways you are me. When I see you in my head, you appear as a taller, thinner more beautiful version of myself. You are beautiful, strong, and in the habit of getting whatever you want.

            It is truly ironic that you are so beautiful, because I know now how ugly you really are on the inside. Revenge. Payback. Anger. The all or nothing attitude. All those expectations you had for me. You made me not want anything for myself. You erased all my goals, severed all my relationships with the people I loved and made me feel alone, isolated, frustrated, and scared. You tricked me into thinking that recovery would not be worth it. That if I recovered my parents would ignore me again. I would have to go to parties again and interact with people. I did not need friends, and I did not need to be a part of a world where no one understood me and everything and everyone irritated me.

            For the past year, I have been resisting you and this has made it easier to see through all the lies you keep feeding me. It is easier now to see your ugliness. You are a siren, tempting me with your beauty and promise of love, friendship, comfort and satisfaction. These are all things that you initially gave me, but the more I wanted, the higher price I had to pay.

            Initially, I thought that if I listened to you, if I got thinner, I would get it all. I would have friends, get good grades at school, and be the best version of myself possible. If I just lost another pound, I’d fit into that perfect prom dress. If I lost another, I would look amazing and confident as I crossed the stage to get my diploma. A few more pounds, and I could run across the beach in my swimsuit without worrying about looking fat. Just a few more, and getting ready for university would be so much easier. After all, you do save time not changing 10 times each morning trying to find an outfit you feel comfortable in.

            Eventually, the price to pay got really high. The line between what I wanted and what you wanted me to want for myself was blurred. Then one day, when I was in so much pain that I could hardly bear to be alive anymore, I realized that it was just not worth it anymore. I realized that all this time I was just existing, rather than really living my life. This was no way to live and I decided to get help.

            These past 6 weeks have been some of the most life-changing, challenging, and frustrating ones I have ever had to go through. Yet, every tear, every urge that you beat me up for not turning into a symptom, is worth how amazing I feel right now. You used to make me thing that strength was staying days being hungry, or running miles on an injured foot. In the past six weeks, I have realized that yes, that was brave and courageous, yet, not exercising when every fibre of my body is craving that high I get from exercise, is just as, in fact, more courageous than giving into those urges.

            As I am slowly breaking away from the strong hold you had on me, I have so much more clarity on why I ended up being with you in the first place. You took on the controlling, methodical and strict role my parents had on me as a child. When my parents gave up that role, you picked up the pieces. I was scared to make my own decisions and of growing up, which is why I let you make all my decisions for me. You prevented me from getting an education, finding meaningful relationships, and growing into the person, I am supposed to be.

            I do not know if what you offered me is what I am meant to be, or if there is something else out there. I just know that I’m trying an experiment right now. I am taking some time off from you. I’m giving the small, weak, voice in my head that I know is truly my voice, a chance to be heard. This is my time to shine. This is my time to speak and to be heard. This time I am giving myself a chance. As I write this, I can feel you sneering at me, telling me that I will hate who I am without you. Maybe I will, or maybe not. I just know that for right now, in this moment, not being in hungry and not having every bone in my body ache is good enough.

            I am scared to let go of you. I am terrified about going forward in life without you holding my hand. I am scared to walk the path I am meant to walk alone. My parents, friends, and the staff here in the program have taken your place. Eventually, I know that I might have to do this by myself, that I will always want to turn back and come to you again for comfort. I hope that by then, I will be strong enough to not fall back into your trap.

            I have spent too much of my life counting calories, instead of counting my blessings. I am tired of that way of living and I want a new life for myself. Even though I am scared, I want to give myself a chance. I never take the easy way out and I know that one day things will get better. Life is not always going to be this hard and its time I lived my life the way I want to live it. I am worth the fight. I deserve food and I deserve to eat without feeling guilt or shame. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a chance to live.

                                                        

The Body and the Soul...a Philosophical view point.

The soul of a man is an intellectual soul that is capable of understanding the natures of things. Plato and Socrates thought that the soul and the body are two separate entities and that an external “God-like” force produces the soul. It is perfectly understandable then to think that the soul is imprisoned in the body. Taking Socrates and Plato’s idea of the soul, specifically that it is trapped in the body and drives the body to be the way it is, it would be logical to think that the soul would be trapped inside the vessel. It is important to understand that the soul is seen as divine and pure. It is not sentient, but is universal. However, since the soul is inside the body, it experiences reality through the body. Therefore, the prisons of the body also become the prisons for the soul. These prisons are the appetite for food, luxury, pleasure and such sentient things. It is only when the body and the intellect is free of these prisons, through philosophy, that the soul can also be freed.

            Can the soul be a prison for the body? Aristotle saw the body and soul as a whole; one cannot survive without the other. The soul contains the organizing principle of the living thing. This organizing principle allows the secondary matter to become what it is. The soul essentially puts the secondary matter together to form the human being. This means that the soul is responsible for making the body what it is. The body and the soul are united into one form. The soul acts as the controlling headquarters that directs the way the body behaves and is formed. According to Aristotle, the body is not the prison for the soul or the soul a prison for the body. Rather, they both are co-dependent on each other and they cannot survive alone.

My blogging promise to you!

I wake up on a windy, gray Saturday morning. It still shocks me that my first thought as I open my eyes is not "I hope the weather's good, so that I can go for a run." Instead a much more welcoming thought of "hmm... lets see what to eat for breakfast" enters my mind. As you read this, you probably are going... uh oh... we have a lazy blogger here who thinks of nothing but food. I do agree that I do spend a lot of time thinking about food. Yet, I'm not lazy. Far from it, in fact. Thinking about food and actually eating is really hard work for me. I am a recovering anorexic, and I'm working hard to get over this illness and move on with my life. 

People might dramatize eating disorders, or minimize them by saying that it's a "first world" illness or only the "rich can afford to have an eating disorder." To be completely honest, before I had anorexia, I thought so too. Losing weight seemed like something society would look favourably upon and encourage even. Heck, the first time I heard about "anorexia" was on an episode of "Degrassi", where Emma ate only carrots to lose weight for a photo shoot. By the end of the episode, she get's hospitalized and then becomes all "better." 

What the show fails to mention is that going into a hospital and getting re-fed, scratches only the surface of the illness. That once you stop eating and develop a fear of the most basic element needed for survival, your world is never the same. This blog is going to be about my daily reflections trying to make sense of my illness. In the noise that I now recognize as the sound of my eating disorder, I am going to share my daily reflections of life, and day-to-day musings. I've hidden my illness for a long time, about 6 years in fact. I'm not going to spend another day hiding behind it and being ashamed of it. It is a part of me, just like the birthmarks on my body, or the freckles on my skin. Unfortunately, this part of me dictates a huge part of who I am, and my constant struggle is learning to live without having it do so. I hope you enjoy reading through my blog, and can draw inspiration from it!

Monthly Check In!

Since I last wrote, a lot has changed. To begin with, I left Toronto General after about a month. Just being in treatment again, when I was so fresh out of Credit Valley's program, was exhausting and I was burnt out! However, just because I stopped going to a hospital to eat my meals, doesn't mean that I've stopped eating altogether!

I have kept up with my meal plan. You may wonder what that is. Well, let me explain it to you, dear reader. I eat what a "normal" person eats, calorically speaking. To break it down even more, each meal consists of what the eating disorder dieticians call "choices". Essentially, choices are synonymous to calories. For example, an apple, would be 1 fruit choice.

These choices can be moved around based on how hungry/full you are during the day. I am very hungry in the evenings and early in the mornings so I consume the majority of my calories at that time.

So here's my meal plan:

Breakfast:

Consists of 5 choices- this can be a package of oatmeal with a cup of milk (depending on the oatmeal type, altogether it can either be 2 or 3 choices. For example, an oatmeal package with a caloric value of 150 or higher, would be 2 choices. When prepared with a cup of milk AKA 1 choice,  it would make 3 choices all together). Along with this, I usually add a boiled egg, a fruit, or a small 100g yoghurt. I usually do cottage cheese in the morning as it keeps me feeling full until lunch

Breakfast #1: Quaker High Protein Cereal with a cup of soy milk (3 choices in total)
                       Cottage Cheese (1) and
                       an Orange (1)

Breakfast #2: 1.5 cups of bran flakes with 1 cup of soy milk (3 choices)
                       Cottage cheese or yoghurt (1)
                       Fruit (1)

Breakfast #3: 1/2 Bagel w/ 1tbsp cream cheese  and a boiled egg (3)
                       Cottage cheese or yoghurt (1)
                       Fruit (1)

Breakfast #4: Toast w/ 1 tbsp peanut butter (2)
                       Cottage cheese and yoghurt (2)
                       Fruit (1)

Lunch:

In order to normalize our eating as much as possible, and fit in with what the general population eat, we did sandwiches for lunch. This is a quick and easy way to get in a meal during your day to day activity.

The sandwich includes:

3 choices of protein (e.g. 1 slice cheese and 2 slices of deli meat)
2 starch choices (2 slices bread, or a large pita)
An added fat (a tsp of margarine or a tbsp of dressing)

After the sandwich, we have a "high energy" dessert food that can either be a dense 3 choice item (a cup of ice cream, a slice of pie or cake) or a combination of a 2 choice and 1 choice item (1/2 a cup of ice cream, or 3 cookies, or a granola bar >150 calories for a 2 choice), and a piece of fruit or a 1/2 a cup of pudding or yoghurt for a 1 choice item.

Snack:

3pm Snack: Usually I do  a cappuccino with  a cup of milk (1 choice) along with fruit and a yoghurt, to make my snack a total of 3 choices.

I combine what would be my late night snack, with my dinner, to have another high energy at the end of the day, since this is when I am really hungry.

Dinner:

This usually consists of oven roasted chicken breast, veggies, pasta with sauce and ice cream for dessert. Sometimes I do a muffin, with greek yoghurt for dessert. I currently have around 4 different dinners that I do.

Dinner #1:

• Oven Roasted Chicken breast (3 protein)
• 1/2 cup brown rice pilaff with veggies (1 protein and 1 veggie choice along with an added fat to season the rice and veggies)
• 1 cup of ice-cream (3 choices)

Dinner #2: 

• Pasta w/ tomato sauce (1 starch and 1 vegetable with added fat)
• Chicken or tofu (3 protein)
• Small muffin (2 choices) and  yoghurt (1)

Dinner #3:

• 1/2 cup lentil curry with tofu and veggies (3 protein, 1 veggie, 1 fat)
• 1/2 cup brown rice (1 starch)
• Brownie (3 choices) 

I hope this helps and gives you some meal ideas. I've been able to maintain my weight with minimal activity. You may be scared to give it a try, and all I can say is, trust me! I used to be scared, but now I realize that in the end, it all comes down to numbers and science. As long as calorie intake is equal to calorie output, you will not gain weight. I'm living proof of this. It really does work! Please feel free to share your thoughts and ask any questions you may have!

The Recovery Experiment

For most of my life, I had a goal. A simple one. To be skinny. Since I was a little girl, I have been insecure about my body and had really bad body image. When I moved to Canada, in 2005, that's when I was first introduced to what I thought was "healthy eating" and dieting. Being overweight as a child, I started dieting in order to cope with the changes that I could not control around me. I became very conscious about my food choices at parties, taking only what I thought to be "healthy" and not taking a large portion or seconds of anything. The first few months after I had moved here from India, I remember being very scared and feeling trapped and alone. I thought that no one understood how homesick I was and life was just plain miserable.

I first lost a lot of weight when I learnt how to swim, and swam religiously in our apartment pool every day in the summer of 2007. That's when I first discovered that weight loss is possible if you increase your physical activity, and decrease your food intake. I started exercising in Gr. 8 when gym was no longer a time to have fun, rather, an opportunity to lose weight. I had a "best friend", and I put that in quotations, because looking back now, I know that she was not a friend, based on the way she treated me. After being called fat by several other classmates, I decided that the only way I'd be popular, smart, and get at least one guy talking to me and acknowledge me as the pretty, smart, talented girl I longed to be, was to lose weight. Gr. 8 is where I first started exercising solely for the purpose of weight loss.

I continued to take gym my first two years of high school. That's when I discovered how much I loved long distance running. I was not a very good runner in elementary schools, and I recall many embarrassing memories of gym class in India, where I was bullied by my teachers, as well as other classmates, because I couldn't run a particular distance within a certain time. I also remember being a very scared child who was traumatized by the rowdy older Indian children who pushed, shoved and ran around the playground like wild animals. So, when I rediscovered something that I've never been good at, I was determined to be amazing at it.

It started innocently enough. It would be 5 laps up and down the soccer field, everyday, that soon turned into 10. I started compulsively exercising when I was in Gr. 11. Rain, Hail or snow, you'd find me running laps in the park everyday after school. Then the rules started... rules such as, you could only eat after you exercised. Or, you HAVE to run everyday, no matter what. Then, when I went to Gr. 12, thats when it got out of control. I dropped 10 pounds during that year in order to get ready for prom. I had bought my dress in April, but by the time May came around, it was loose for me. I still remember the thrill I felt when my mum had to sew it up a bit to make sure it stayed on. Finally, it seemed as though a dream that felt miles away, was coming closer and closer. I remember my Prom, and what actually stuck with me, and made me the happiest girl in the world, was that it was the first time my mum called me beautiful. Every core belief I had was reinforced in that simple statement. As she said it, I immediately felt that being thinner than I was, and looking a certain way, I would get love and have people notice me.

As graduation loomed ahead, as well as the stress of final exams, and university, I continued to exercise and lose weight. By the end of the summer, I was biking and running everyday, twice a day,  ardently. My family went on a trip to Prince Edward Island that summer, and I remember eating only salads, and exercising during the trip as well.

September loomed ahead, and before I knew it, I was in university. That's when all hell broke loose. Included with my admission, was a gym membership. That's when I discovered the treadmill, and the addictive numbers that I always wanted to beat. The calories burned was always important, as well as the distance I ran. It got to the point where I used to run half marathons each day, everyday, and then go on those biking machines. By then, I was already also doing planks, sit ups, and wall sits to strengthen and tone my muscles. It became an addictive game to play. It was about running for that extra mile, or biking for those extra minutes. I pushed myself physically, while severely restricting my caloric intake. With all the stress of school, I became really anxious, depressed, and suicidal. I remember one incident of me crying in bed, and my mum coming up to me and saying "you have to go to school, so that you can be somebody when you grow up." I also remember thinking "I don't think I can live like this anymore." I self-harmed a lot during that year and continued exercising and restricting. I don't know how, but I passed all my courses that first semester.

By the end of December, my parents knew that there was a serious problem. I refused to eat if I didn't exercise, and once, after a really bad snowstorm where I was forced to stay home, I had a nervous breakdown. My parents rushed me to the emergency room of Rouge Valley Hospital, where they weighed me. I had then dropped down to 88 lbs. My parents spent the next few weeks desperately seeking the help they knew I needed.

By the middle of March, I was burnt out, and was forced to drop out of university. I had an assessment at Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga, and was admitted into their inpatient program on April 22nd, 2013. My health was in an abominable state then, and I was only 72 lbs. I completed  my inpatient stay in June, moved onto day hospital, and then transition when my weight was restored. In September, after a really long wait, I got to move back home (I was living with an aunt who lived close to the hospital), and got two jobs, and dove right back in to the reality that was my life. By the end of October, I knew that something was not going very well. I started to lose weight, which ended up snowballing into a relapse.

I knew that I didn't want it to turn as bad as it was the last time, so I went to Toronto General, and requested their help. I got an assessment with them, and was then put on the waiting list for their day hospital. On January, 6th, I started day hospital. This blog was created to record my findings about recovery. I have often seen a coping strategy that says to treat recovery as an experiment. As a science student, I find this very interesting. Knowing that I can relapse if I don't like the end result, and controlling weight is not an impossible feat, is a great comfort and coping mechanism to help me stay symptom free and on board with my meal plan!

I don't know much about him...but I like him already!

Today, shifting gears from my latest Buddhism studies, I would like to talk about Pope Francis. I was browsing the internet yesterday, and came across this article the Guardian: http://gu.com/p/3ej27

Pope Francis to wash feet of young inmates on Holy Thursday

Pope to wash feet of 12 young people in Casal del Marmo penal institute during afternoon mass on day before Good Friday

• Lizzy Davies in Rome
• guardian.co.uk, Thursday 21 March 2013 15.34 GMT

John Paul II kisses the foot of a clergyman during the Holy Thursday ceremony at St Peter's Basilica during his time as pope. Photograph: Plinio Lepri/AP

He has already made himself known as the pope who takes the bus, pays his bills and wears his old shoes. Now Pope Francis has taken another step towards solidifying his image as the people's pontiff by announcing plans to celebrate a major pre-Easter ceremony in a youth detention centre.

In a statement, the Vatican said that, for the first time in living memory, the afternoon mass on Holy Thursday – the day before Good Friday – would be held in neither St Peter's basilica nor the basilica of St John in Lateran.

Instead, it would be celebrated by the new Argentinian pope in the chapel of the Casal del Marmo penal institute for minors and young adults on the outskirts of Rome. During the ceremony the 76-year-old pontiff will wash the feet of 12 inmates, a ritual designed to commemorate Jesus's gesture to his disciples after the Last Supper.

The Vatican said the ceremony would be a continuation of Francis's practice as archbishop of Buenos Aires, when he celebrated the mass of the Lord's Supper in "a context characterised by simplicity", including prisons, hospitals or shelters for the poor.

Francis's predecessor, Benedict XVI, visited the Casal del Marmo in 2007, but not for the Holy Thursday mass. For the first two years of his pontificate the German pope washed the feet of 12 lay people from the diocese of Rome, but since 2008 he chose a dozen priests for the ceremony.

John Paul II, who also kept the practice of feet-washing to men of the cloth for most of his reign, did start off with similar efforts to Francis. In 1980 he chose a group of homeless men, but the mass was held in St John in Lateran – the bishop of Rome's cathedral church.

In the week since his election Francis has endeared himself to many by bringing to the Vatican a simple aesthetic dubbed "Bergoglio style" by the Italian press.

It remains to be seen where Francis will chose to live: at the moment he is still in the St Martha house where cardinals stayed during conclave while renovation work is carried out on the Apostolic Palace. Upon seeing the grandeur of the large papal apartment last week, however, he was reported to have remarked that there was "room for 300 people".

© 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved.

The Question and Answer of Suffering..

What causes suffering? According to "Buddhism for Beginners", it is the cyclic existence we are stuck in, specifically attachment, ignorance and anger.

By not being aware of who we are and how we exist along with other phenomena in the world, we remain ignorant. We think we have a clue about what we're doing, who we are as a person in society, our worth, and what we can contribute to society, but sometimes we have that wrong. We create a false world where we think that having the biggest house, the flashiest car and the most expensive clothes will make us happy. We think that by getting that much coveted position in the workplace or having a six-figure salary will make us happy.                            

Is this Happiness?
Does this take illness away?     

    or this...? 

Maybe some more money could buy better friends/a partner/reunite the family? 

When we are ignorant, we project this fantasized way of existence onto ourselves and others, thinking that everything exists independently of itself. We form attachments to people and things that we think possess the qualities that will make us happy (I've mentioned some previously).

Then, inevitably, when we realize that we feel all alone in our big house, and our flashy car is just another 'thing' that doesn't really bring us happiness, we are filled with anger, and understandably so! Everything we were told that was supposed to make us happy, has let us down. We realize that there are other more important things and other ways of finding happiness.

Anger then makes us jealous, resentful, and proud. Once we become like this, all our actions, attitudes, and speech are motivated on jealousy, resentment and pride. This in turn effects our future experiences.

As you can see, this is one vicious, exhausting cycle of unhappiness.

However, to leave this cycle we can generate the wisdom to realize emptiness-we can come to terms with the fact that there is a lack of a solid, independent essence in ourselves, and others, and everything that exists. The more we learn to let go, and accept the impermanence of everything, the happier we will be.

Wisdom eliminates ignorance, wrong conceptions, disturbing attitudes, and negative emotions. When we gain this wisdom, we are no longer misinformed or have contaminated actions. When we leave the cycle, we become liberated beings and reach nirvana.

People, like you and me, who have not yet gained the wisdom are called sentient beings. 

Next time, I will write about the Three Jewels, and then we'll get down to the real ways we can start living out our simple lives and reach the state of nirvana.