Hey readers!
I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. I've been so busy lately. Let's give you an update of everything that's going on right now. Well, lets get back to basics- my physical and mental health. I saw my doc about a month ago. He reduced my medications, which I thought was awesome at the time, yet now I am really reconsidering it. I also meet with my family doc at least once every two weeks to do blood work, ECGs and weigh ins. My weight has not changed much, it actually dropped a bit from one weekend when I was really sick. I needed to find a way to gain it back, and I got an amazing idea from my family doc about how I could do so.
Basically, you increase your caloric intake by really small amounts. This could be as little as 5, 10, 25 , or 50 calories a day. This increase will make minimal changes to your weight (especially if you are active). You increase your weight at a pace that you alone are comfortable with. I feel like this could really work, because when I was in treatment, we got a 300 calorie per day increase each week if we didn't gain the required amount (1-2kg). This method was just terrifying and horrific. Before you knew what hit you, you're at a "normal" weight. Yet, the long term prognosis is that if you are not ready to be a certain weight, you cannot recover. This comes from my own personal experience.
At Credit Valley, they drugged us and bubble-wrapped us so much, that when I was discharged and life actually hit me in the face, with all its responsibilities and triggers, I couldn't deal. That's the reality of treatment. I don't want to crush all your hopes and dreams about going into treatment, however, I want to make it very clear that you don't go into treatment, and get "fixed". That's just not how it works. What going into treatment entails is learning enough coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness, emotion vs. wise mind, and many other DBT and CBT skills to get you through the day.
I still live some days where I wake up and basically do things in an automated way, because mentally, I'm too tired from Anna bitching at me. Those are the days where I literally have to break down simple tasks into steps in order to ensure I don't go batshit crazy! Those days feel like this: Wake up, Breathe, Eat, Survive until the end of the day when I can take my meds and go back to bed.
Other days, things are a little easier. When you slowly start replacing the thoughts Anna puts into your head with other things, you tend to feel much better! For example, something I do when I am in a really bad place is art therapy. I cannot emphasize how much this helps. Here's an example:
Anna is bitching at me because I ate 50 extra calories :
First, I acknowledge the fact that she's pissed.
Then I acknowledge the fact that it is ANNA, not myself, who is angry.
I know that my body needs as many nutrients as it can get (that's my wise mind speaking!).
Then I recognize the thoughts that keep popping up in my head. I go over to my pintrest page, and click on this board:
http://www.pinterest.com/cassyhighland/anorexia-recovery-aids/
I just scroll down the page. Grab a couple of markers, some paper, colour pencils and funky pens, and start "artistically" writing out the quotes on a paper and for every thought that Anna has, I replace, with one of these quotes. It really distracts you and keeps your mind off the noise of Anna's bitching. My room is filled with posters that I've made, and Mandalas (another miracle to distract you from Anna) and inspiring quotes. This is just something I do to help calm me down. It is one of the most therapeutic things!
Another thing I do, is I write down every thought that Anna has on half of a piece of paper. I mark one side "What Anna Thinks", and the other "What I KNOW". For every horrible or nasty thought she puts in my mind, on the opposite side I write something to argue back. This proves to yourself that you do have a voice and you do get to be heard. It's a way to take back a little control over the noise that's in your head!
Lastly, the most important thing I've realized....ANNA IS AN UGLY EGOTISTICAL SELF ABSORBED BITCH! She is not my friend. She is the devil that lives inside me. I'm going to end this post with an inspiring quote I found:
"By starving yourself, you feed your inner demon"
Just something to think about!
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