Rediscovering the Joy of Eating

Having an eating disorder makes one forget about the joy of eating. My mind sometimes is so wrapped around all the fear and anxiety of what I'm eating that it is hard to really concentrate on even tasting, let alone, enjoying what I am eating. Before coming to the hospital, I survived eating low fat fudgesicles,  rice pudding and oatmeal.

Being in the hospital, I met with the most fantastic dietician. She came to speak with me and asked me what my comfort foods were. I am a big lover of pudding, cottage cheese, custards, and oatmeal. Yesterday morning we got to change my meal plan to include foods that I enjoy and love.

Today was the first day of my new meal plan. Breakfast was a warm bowl of oatmeal with soy milk, and a custard cup. Eating my favourite foods, Anna usually doesn't have much control over me. I don't really care what she says as the pleasure of eating these foods drown out whatever she has to say about them.

KozyShack Custard 

Oatmeal

Lunch was even better! I had Cottage Cheese with pepper, Chocolate pudding and a slice of whole wheat bread! Keep in mind, that I am being tube fed also. This is just the extra food that I get to eat with my meal plan.

Whole Wheat Toast

Chocolate Pudding

Cottage Cheese

Treatment or no treatment? That is the question...!

Recently, I confess, that I have been in pre-contemplation mode for seeking treatment for my anorexia. I have been on the fence for a while now, and am becoming very confused with what I really want. I decided that the only possible way I could figure this out was to do a pros and cons list. I will keep adding to this list from now on!

Pros of Treatment                                        

• Getting a healthy body back
• Eating foods that I actually want...not foods that Anna makes me think I want to eat
• Being able to go back to school
• Working again 
• Volunteering at my church

Cons of Treatment

• Not being 100% secure in my body
• Eating various kinds of foods that I would not view as "healthy" or "nutritious" 
• I will not have control over many of the things I would want to have control over (what I eat, when I eat, how much I have to gain etc) 

A life altering Day

Its starts on 5 AM on March 6^th, 2015. It is cold outside, and dark, however, the weather is much improved from the -20 and -30 degree Celsius temperatures I have been faced with. It feels like just another ordinary day. For the past 6 months, I’ve been waking up at 5:30 am, going to work downtown at Sick Kids (I was a barista) and coming home at around 7:30 pm. Life seemed to be going on autopilot. I am a 20-year-old woman, and life right now, though not perfect, is liveable.

I love my job as a barista. I had been trying for two years to get into Starbucks. It was my dream job. When I got the call a few days before my birthday for an interview, I was so excited. As soon as I started working there I knew how much I loved talking to people and interacting with them; suggesting drink and food combinations, pairing a cookie with a latte. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always enjoyed preparing food and drinks for people. This job allowed me to live my little girl dreams of working in a café type setting. Serving people and making someone’s day with a cup of coffee and a smile is what made life worth it.

For the past two years, I have been working extremely hard to establish a life for myself. I volunteer at my local parish church. We do coffee Sunday, which is a ministry that serves coffee and cookies after masses. It was only recently that my family undertook this responsibility. It has been one of the few things that we can do together.

Let me explain. Most families go out to parties together. They grab a pizza when times get too hectic and mum’s not able to make dinner. Or families gather in fancy restaurants for special graduation, anniversary and birthday dinners. My family is different. In my family, anything related to eating or food is a taboo subject. It is not because we have a deathly allergy in the family certain foods or some rigid kosher or halal beliefs. Its not because we don’t enjoy doing these things together.

It’s because of me.I have an eating disorder. I am an anorexic; the restrictive subtype, which means that I severely restrict my food intake in an attempt to maintain my ideal body. The part that is so dangerous and risky and addictive about my illness is that it becomes like a game. When I lost the first 5 lbs. and people started noticing, initially, it felt amazing. “Wow! I look great I thought!” Then there came a time where I figured… “hmm.. losing 5 lbs. was met with such positive feedback, how about if I lost another 10?” And soon before I knew it, it became a game of “how low can it go?” Long story short, here I am 2 years later, in Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga Ontario finally seeking help for an eating disorder that I am ready to let go off.

I told my parents that I was heading to work a bit earlier last Friday. I left the house at around 5 am, got the ttc to finch station and then took the go bus to Credit Valley Hospital. I walked into emerge, equipped with a note that my family doctor had provided me. In this note, it stated that I was an anorexic and it listed all the side effects I was experiencing such as hypothermia, an abnormal heart rate, imbalanced electrolytes etc. Within two hours. I was admitted into the hospital. I called my mum as soon as I heard this and then waited for her to arrive. I spent the weekend in the hospital, moving from ward to ward until I could find a spot to make my own. On Monday morning, I was moved to 3b, the cardiac floor, and was certified under Dr. Staab. It has stated that if I try to leave the hospital before March 22, 2015, I will be brought back by security and handcuffed to my bed.

I was initially extremely upset over this. What felt like was under my complete and total control suddenly went way over my head and stopped being about what I wanted. However, I knew that this is something like jumping into a pool or ripping a band-aid off…you can do it slowly and painfully, or you can do it quickly, all at once and get it over with. Either way, its going to hurt, but both ways will get you the same results. Tuesday morning was the day the feeding tube went it. I am not going to lie or be brave and pretend that it did not hurt or feel unpleasant. It was not a good feeling at all. However, to get through this, I knew that this is what I needed to do for me. This is what I have to do to make sure that I am able to build a better life for myself.

This is a picture of me, in my hospital bed, on my first day. 

I'm not going to mention my weight or any numbers in this post, or in any future ones. I know how triggering that could be to someone so I'm not going to do it. However, I must emphasize that it is not pleasant to be such a low weight. And you don't want to put your body through that much hell. 

Having said that, I understand if you're reading this and are still not convinced that being anorexic is not fun. I was like that too. Getting this sick was a way of liberating myself. Finally being able to start from the very beginning and from the very bottom. That is the best place to start really. I needed this huge amount of suffering to realize that life is worth living. 

Expect Nothing so that you Have Everything!

Reading the title of this post probably made you go "hmm, I wonder what she means. " Let me explain. Part of what makes us depressed sometimes is that in our minds we have an idea of how something is "supposed" to be. We imagine scenarios and situations in the most perfect way possible, and when it doesn't go like we planned it to, we get horribly disappointed. One real example is my birthday this year. This is the first year where I expected NOTHING from anyone. Ever since I was a child, every single birthday has been  spent in nervous anxiety wondering when my parents would throw me a surprise party (something I've wanted desperately). This year, upon turning 20, I expected nothing at all. I don't want any presents or to do anything special. With this in mind, the simple wishes and Facebook posts I get, keeps me feeling special, without having people go out of their way to let me know that they care. Its through expecting little, that you get the most out of life.

Expectations are a great barrier sometimes between what we imagine, aspire, and dream for ourselves and the actual reality of the situation. This could work both ways, in the good and the bad. Having Social Anxiety and struggling at any event with people such as parties and get togethers, I've slowly begun to realize that part of my fear and anxieties tend to revolve around my preconceptions of how the event will go. Before I go to every volunteer opportunity, I always am a little nervous, and saying that I'm sick or backing out last minute seems really appealing. However, I keep in mind the fact that when I actually am at the event, I thoroughly enjoy myself! In the past, my initial anxieties were so great, that I would give in and avoid the social event. This way I had no contact with other people and lost out on valuable experiences that might have been really good for me. It takes practice and a tremendous amount of will and determination to get over the initial anxieties. I always view them as a hill that I have to climb, before I get the reward at the top.

Speaking of volunteering, I cannot emphasize how rewarding it really is. Volunteering at HOPE has taught me perhaps one of the most important lessons of all; life as we know it can change at any moment and at any instant. Nothing is permanent in this life and nothing will stay as it is forever. This makes me appreciate each and every single moment I am alive on this earth. Appreciating the little things, such as a beautiful sunny day, or watching the fall leaves change colour, is what leads to a happier mind and body. I could always choose to focus on the negative, and in doing so, be sad and miserable. However, focusing on the positives of each and every situation, won't make the negatives go away, but for our own peace of mind, isn't it better to focus on what we DO have, rather than that never-ending list of what we DONT?

Just something to think about!

Sorry for not writing sooner!

With all the chaos of volunteering and the summer months, I am very sorry to have not written sooner. A quick update on my summer. We went to Washington D.C, where we went to the Lincoln Memorial, saw the White House, visited the Smithsonian and saw various other attractions. Washington truly is one of the cheapest vacation cities to go to as most of the attractions don't have an entry fee. The highlights of the trip was going to the Holocaust and the Aerospace (physics nerd that I am!) Museum.

Being at the Holocaust Museum and actually seeing the stories and pictures of actual people was a very sobering effect. It was a very sad place, and I think that its good that there are places like it all around the world, in order to ensure that we NEVER EVER forget the horrors of war. There is a beautiful room at the end of the museum filled with candles that you can light for the people who died during the holocaust. I saw many Jewish school children there, and it was very inspiring to see people of such a young age, take something so seriously and to be so respectful and sincere in a place like that.  They really got the whole picture of what really happened and could understand the pain and suffering faced by the people during that time.

Other than going to Washington, I spent my summer days home eating ice-cream, barbecuing and having fun! On July 1, we went to see the Canada Day fireworks at our local park. It was an amazing experience, one that I never get tired of, year after year! Canada is truly such an amazing country and I am so fortunate to live in such a beautiful place. I am so thankful for everything this country has done for me. Especially, the health care program. In any other country, I would have been either really sick, or my parents would have been really poor in order to ensure that all the costs for my health issues were covered. I find that we take fore granted many of the things that we feel we are entitled to, like free healthcare, without realizing that in other countries, its not normal to have these privileges. Hence, I repeat, I LOVE CANADA!

Helping Other People Everyday (H.O.P.E)

Hey Readers!

Just checking in from another day filled to the brim with volunteer duties. Today was the H.O.P.E ministry's post-funeral luncheon. To put it simply, this organization provides a free lunch after a funeral occurs at the Parish. I got there early today (9am) and we started setting up for the reception. 

We had to organize cups, napkins, make coffee etc. People who are part of this ministry, as well as the family of the deceased, provided the food. 

On the luncheon menu, were sandwiches (egg, salmon, tuna, and roast beef), some from the Pickle Barrel, and others homemade. 

A large assortment of baked goods such as these decadent, chewy, chocolate fudge brownies

Dense and chewy coconut macaroons

Loaf cakes (golden, lemon, honey sponge (my faves!) and marble flavoured)

 

These lemon and raspberry tarts, almost too cute to eat.. I said almost..! 

Pecan, coconut, peanut butter oatmeal, lemon treacle, and date squares

            

Two enormous trays of fruits and veggies with dip

Cookies of various kinds (pecan, ice box sugar, chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin) 

And since they were of Japanese origin, the meal wasn't complete without some sushi! 

There were 200 people expected so the tables were simply piled with food!

The deceased was an older gentleman, with 6 kids, and 14 grandchildren, who used to be a doctor and lived in Swan Lake, a retirement residence in our city. 
       


Many of his friends, family, and patients were there for the funeral mass. He was to be cremated, so after the service, his casket got taken back to the funeral home, while his family and friends stayed to celebrate and share stories of his life. It was a beautiful service and I really enjoyed myself!

Working with Seniors...An afternoon of Sandwiches and Bingo!

It was an amazing success! Today was the Senior Social at the church. I left late in the morning (needed to get bloodworm and an ECG done!), and after had lunch at Tims (homestyle bun with deli meats) and then went over to the church. Once I got there, I helped out with handing out name tags, and then went into the church for the short mass.

The seniors were the simply amazing! Something that always blows my mind away when I see any senior person, is the fact that, yes,  there is a circle of life. To watch how similar seniors are to children, vulnerable, fragile and in need of special care and attention, simply fills me with awe. Since I love working with children so much, I should have known that I would really enjoy working with seniors also!

After mass, everyone was ushered into the main hall, where they were served coffee, tea and "finger sandwiches" (egg, salmon, and tuna salad on whole wheat bread...simple and yummy)! Then we cleared the tables, and brought out the dessert trays. There were a variety of different loaf cakes, mini dessert trays filled with lemon squares, small cinnamon buns, coffee cake, and tarts of various flavours.

Once the tables were cleared once again, we gave out bingo cards and they played bingo for the rest of the afternoon! While leaving, they had an opportunity to grab a book or two to read at home, wherever home is (retirement home, hospice, or private home).

Overall it was an amazing experience and I am so glad I did it!