What "Recovery From an Eating Disorder" Really Is

You may have heard so many of them; the success stories of "those" people who "once had eating problems" but are "all better now". You probably look at them in awe, confusion, anger, even jealousy and think "why can't that be me?" Something I have realized throughout this struggle is that having an eating disorder is not like having a cold or a fever. You don't get "cured" and move on with your life as if nothing happened.  The first really important thing to remember is that you can't "recover" from an eating disorder. Before you object to my negativity, I assure you, there's hope. Just allow me to explain myself.

Firstly, realizing the aforementioned statement was the most important and life changing moment in my recovery. I came to terms with the fact that my eating disorder would now be like a constant shadow, something that follows and stays with me everywhere I go. No matter how much I tried to deny or ignore it, it will and was always there, at least for me. At first, this thought and idea crippled me with despair. With realizing just what a huge part of me the eating disorder was taking away I was  deeply saddened and depressed. There was anger too...and lots of it. Anger at my parents, anger at the events of my childhood, and yes, anger at myself.  There was a lot of self loathing running through my mind. Thoughts such as "how could I have done this?" "I've screwed my life up" or "I hate my parents and everyone for not understanding my difficulties.." and mostly "I hate myself for getting this way."

So now we are at a point where I realized that this was a part of me. That Anna was akin to me, a constant presence situated deep in my head that manipulated my thoughts and actions. I have discovered that there are different degrees of recovery and that each person's journey is different and unique. A girl who was admitted into the inpatient program with me in 2013, now has gotten her life back to normal. She eats everything, completed school and seems to be having a good life. The period in Credit Valley for her was no doubt a dark time, and one that she will never forget. Often I found myself envying and comparing myself to her. After all, we both started on the same page.. how was it then that she could be "recovered" and I couldn't?

Another girl, who I met in program, and honestly the best friend I have ever had (lets call her Sharon), is on a different part in her recovery journey. Lets try a little imagery here: picture a long, dark hallway with doors on each side, and one door at the end of the hallway that leads out of the world of Anna. The girl who was admitted on the same day as me (lets call her Julie), has walked down this hallway and straight out the door. I can't guarantee that she wont venture back into the building, however, for now she has escaped. Sharon is in a different part in the hallway. She is halfway over to the exit, however, the glimmers of the various lights that escape from the side doors still tempt her. This has made her walk to the door at the end of the hall much slower. She is still drawn towards the false lights in each room, rather than the bright, natural sunshine that is outside the door at the end of the hall.

Sharon still struggles constantly wondering whether or not to enter into the safety and known world of artificial lights rather than venturing out into the sunlight where everything is uncertain and unknown. Sometimes she walks into these artificially lit rooms, but always has enough strength in her to step back out into the hallway and walk towards the sunlight.

So what does this metaphor mean exactly? It means that recovery is not something that happens. It is a constant struggle, an unending fight. There are times where we are drawn into the fake promises of a better life that Anna tricks us into thinking is in those side doors. Sometimes we enter those rooms and are distracted by the glamour of the illness into thinking that this is where we belong. Some girls choose to remain in those rooms rather than enter the sunlight. Others, leave the rooms, and the hallway never to look back again.

The most common thing that could happen to someone is what my friend Sharon has experienced, and what I am experiencing right now. Recovery is constant work, a constant struggle to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout the course of our lives, we have to work on keeping our goals in mind to avoid getting distracted by the lures of Anna and her false lights. Sometimes its making the choice to ignore the bright flashing lights going on all around us, and to just focus on the true light; the life that is real and the one where we are set free.

Many times we may even make it out into the sunlight, and then return back into the safety of what we know. That's ok too. It happens to everyone and everybody, not just people with eating disorders. Think about alcoholics, smokers, drug abusers who relapse. Give yourself the same amount of sympathy and compassion that you would them.

Know that recovery is always a work in progress. Also, it is something that is attainable, but perhaps not  in the way you imagined it would be. My advice to you is to take recovery in whatever form it comes. Even if you are still scared about eating certain foods, look at what you aren't scared of. Focus on what you CAN do rather than everything you can't. Take each victory over Anna, another step towards the sunlight, with enthusiasm and happiness. When we fall into temptation and go back to the illness, each time we must take something away from it. Learn what made us enter the side rooms and stray off our path. Knowing this, we can do our best to avoid these things in the future.

Lastly, the most important and critical truth that I will share with you about recovery, is that you don't have to walk down that hallway by yourself. You can hold the hand of a loved one, a friend, or even a promise of a better life. Lean on them and allow yourself to be led by them out of the darkness. This has been life changing in my experience. Anna wants you to walk the hallway alone as she knows you are easier to tempt when there is no one there. Don't let her use this fact to her advantage. Don't isolate yourself. Surround yourself with positive, loving, patient, compassionate people who care about you and want what's best for you. Sometimes it may be hard to lean on these people, however, it is essential to our recovery.Whether it be family, friends, therapists, other group members in a program we're in, we need them in our lives. Isolation from others is our undoing.

I hope this gives you a glimpse into the battle that you will face or are constantly facing each day of your life. It's not much different from the battle that most people face, that of choosing the difficult route to true happiness rather than shortcut our way to the illusion of it. It is a game; and we must take every victory and loss with a resilient will to continue playing. We must not let our slips determine our outcomes. No matter how long you have stayed in the hallway, there is always an escape. You have to be strong enough, brave enough, and smart enough to reach your goal. And no, I'm not saying its easy. I'm saying that when you step out into the sunlight, is just the beginning, a brand new wonderful world full of new hope and possibilities!

On reading Virginia Woolf's "Orlando"

Having read Mrs. Dalloway in my first year of university english, I was excited to start "Orlando". To be honest, I tried reading "To the Lighthouse", but didn't really enjoy the experience. I understand that you need patience to read the book as the concept of time is drawn out in such a way that an hour passing could be described in several ways with several different views... which actually makes me reconsider my decision to stop reading it. I guess that is part of the magic.

However, on to the book I am currently reading. From reading the synopsis on Goodreads or even the back of the book, one can come to the conclusion that yes, it is a biography. This biography is unique as Woolf doesn't hold back any judgements or conceptions she had of the time period in which Orlando is set. The book is divided into six chapters, and what I find really interesting is that at the end of each chapter, there is a photo of a significant character that appeared in the aforementioned chapter.

I'm not even going to begin to start analyzing the themes, symbols, characters and their motives etc in this post. If I did, I would go into full "English Essay Analysis" mode and thats not what I want to do. In fact, I want to do the exact opposite. Essays take on a very impersonal and distant, or as many people say, scholarly feel to them. What I want to do is to tell you exactly what I feel when I read Orlando rather that what I think. 

Today I completed the second chapter of the book, and to my surprise, found that I could empathize greatly with Orlando and understood exactly what he felt better than any character I've ever read about. I don't know if its Woolf's magical touch or just the stage of life I am in right now. Whatever it is, my empathy as well as commonality with many of the questions and issues Orlando face are very closely tied together.

Today, for example, I came upon a quote:

Life seemed to him of prodigious length. Yet even so, it went like a flash. But even when it stretched longest and the moments swelled biggest and he seemed to wander alone in deserts of vast eternity, there was no time for the smoothing out and deciphering of those thickly scored parchments which thirty years among men and women have rolled tight in his heart and brain.

This passage stood out to me as this is EXACTLY what i feel. The state of my physical and mental well being can be perfectly summed up by this passage. Orlando brought me to a realization that my present is coloured by my past, and that things don't occur at random, but have a sequence and an order to them. This is what I have also learnt in therapy over the years.

The fact that I can relate so much to Orlando still blows my mind! Like him, I tend to run away from things that have hurt me in the past, and avoid any such associations with them in the future. Like him, I isolated myself to my own home after a mental breakdown, while he had a heartbreak. There is truly some magic in being able to actually feel the pain and confusion, as well as the loss of what Orlando feels. I finished the second chapter today and it left me with a feeling of wanting. I want to know what happens to Orlando. Does he find his purpose? Does he find his courage to face life instead of always running away from it?

One thing that makes me sad, yet also feel less alone, is the knowledge that I am not alone. Someone out there in the world, living or dead, understands what it feels like to have your heart broken and your faith in humanity shaken. I think that is the true magic of reading and media, and blog articles such as mine. For one instant of time when we write, or when we read, we sense a feeling of companionship, of partnership, of a "we're all in this together" feeling.

So in order to prevent this from becoming to lengthy and boring and repetitive, the take away from my experience of reading this book so far is that we are not alone in our struggles. Even though it may feel like it, others feel the same way you do. Its learning to accept our feelings and being brave enough to face them which is the challenge.

I do have one accomplishment to write about. I attended a volunteer appreciation brunch at our church. I do admit I was very anxious about it, but once I was actually in there, everything seemed alright. I was surrounded by my friends and I felt like I could trust these people more than I could trust anyone other than my family. It really put into perspective who and what was important to my life. I am really glad I went and that I challenged myself not only with the process of eating out, but also socializing with others.

Like Ms. Frizzle says... Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy! Because frankly darling, that is how to live life to the fullest!

Rediscovering the Joy of Eating

Having an eating disorder makes one forget about the joy of eating. My mind sometimes is so wrapped around all the fear and anxiety of what I'm eating that it is hard to really concentrate on even tasting, let alone, enjoying what I am eating. Before coming to the hospital, I survived eating low fat fudgesicles,  rice pudding and oatmeal.

Being in the hospital, I met with the most fantastic dietician. She came to speak with me and asked me what my comfort foods were. I am a big lover of pudding, cottage cheese, custards, and oatmeal. Yesterday morning we got to change my meal plan to include foods that I enjoy and love.

Today was the first day of my new meal plan. Breakfast was a warm bowl of oatmeal with soy milk, and a custard cup. Eating my favourite foods, Anna usually doesn't have much control over me. I don't really care what she says as the pleasure of eating these foods drown out whatever she has to say about them.

KozyShack Custard 

Oatmeal

Lunch was even better! I had Cottage Cheese with pepper, Chocolate pudding and a slice of whole wheat bread! Keep in mind, that I am being tube fed also. This is just the extra food that I get to eat with my meal plan.

Whole Wheat Toast

Chocolate Pudding

Cottage Cheese

Treatment or no treatment? That is the question...!

Recently, I confess, that I have been in pre-contemplation mode for seeking treatment for my anorexia. I have been on the fence for a while now, and am becoming very confused with what I really want. I decided that the only possible way I could figure this out was to do a pros and cons list. I will keep adding to this list from now on!

Pros of Treatment                                        

• Getting a healthy body back
• Eating foods that I actually want...not foods that Anna makes me think I want to eat
• Being able to go back to school
• Working again 
• Volunteering at my church

Cons of Treatment

• Not being 100% secure in my body
• Eating various kinds of foods that I would not view as "healthy" or "nutritious" 
• I will not have control over many of the things I would want to have control over (what I eat, when I eat, how much I have to gain etc) 

A life altering Day

Its starts on 5 AM on March 6^th, 2015. It is cold outside, and dark, however, the weather is much improved from the -20 and -30 degree Celsius temperatures I have been faced with. It feels like just another ordinary day. For the past 6 months, I’ve been waking up at 5:30 am, going to work downtown at Sick Kids (I was a barista) and coming home at around 7:30 pm. Life seemed to be going on autopilot. I am a 20-year-old woman, and life right now, though not perfect, is liveable.

I love my job as a barista. I had been trying for two years to get into Starbucks. It was my dream job. When I got the call a few days before my birthday for an interview, I was so excited. As soon as I started working there I knew how much I loved talking to people and interacting with them; suggesting drink and food combinations, pairing a cookie with a latte. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always enjoyed preparing food and drinks for people. This job allowed me to live my little girl dreams of working in a café type setting. Serving people and making someone’s day with a cup of coffee and a smile is what made life worth it.

For the past two years, I have been working extremely hard to establish a life for myself. I volunteer at my local parish church. We do coffee Sunday, which is a ministry that serves coffee and cookies after masses. It was only recently that my family undertook this responsibility. It has been one of the few things that we can do together.

Let me explain. Most families go out to parties together. They grab a pizza when times get too hectic and mum’s not able to make dinner. Or families gather in fancy restaurants for special graduation, anniversary and birthday dinners. My family is different. In my family, anything related to eating or food is a taboo subject. It is not because we have a deathly allergy in the family certain foods or some rigid kosher or halal beliefs. Its not because we don’t enjoy doing these things together.

It’s because of me.I have an eating disorder. I am an anorexic; the restrictive subtype, which means that I severely restrict my food intake in an attempt to maintain my ideal body. The part that is so dangerous and risky and addictive about my illness is that it becomes like a game. When I lost the first 5 lbs. and people started noticing, initially, it felt amazing. “Wow! I look great I thought!” Then there came a time where I figured… “hmm.. losing 5 lbs. was met with such positive feedback, how about if I lost another 10?” And soon before I knew it, it became a game of “how low can it go?” Long story short, here I am 2 years later, in Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga Ontario finally seeking help for an eating disorder that I am ready to let go off.

I told my parents that I was heading to work a bit earlier last Friday. I left the house at around 5 am, got the ttc to finch station and then took the go bus to Credit Valley Hospital. I walked into emerge, equipped with a note that my family doctor had provided me. In this note, it stated that I was an anorexic and it listed all the side effects I was experiencing such as hypothermia, an abnormal heart rate, imbalanced electrolytes etc. Within two hours. I was admitted into the hospital. I called my mum as soon as I heard this and then waited for her to arrive. I spent the weekend in the hospital, moving from ward to ward until I could find a spot to make my own. On Monday morning, I was moved to 3b, the cardiac floor, and was certified under Dr. Staab. It has stated that if I try to leave the hospital before March 22, 2015, I will be brought back by security and handcuffed to my bed.

I was initially extremely upset over this. What felt like was under my complete and total control suddenly went way over my head and stopped being about what I wanted. However, I knew that this is something like jumping into a pool or ripping a band-aid off…you can do it slowly and painfully, or you can do it quickly, all at once and get it over with. Either way, its going to hurt, but both ways will get you the same results. Tuesday morning was the day the feeding tube went it. I am not going to lie or be brave and pretend that it did not hurt or feel unpleasant. It was not a good feeling at all. However, to get through this, I knew that this is what I needed to do for me. This is what I have to do to make sure that I am able to build a better life for myself.

This is a picture of me, in my hospital bed, on my first day. 

I'm not going to mention my weight or any numbers in this post, or in any future ones. I know how triggering that could be to someone so I'm not going to do it. However, I must emphasize that it is not pleasant to be such a low weight. And you don't want to put your body through that much hell. 

Having said that, I understand if you're reading this and are still not convinced that being anorexic is not fun. I was like that too. Getting this sick was a way of liberating myself. Finally being able to start from the very beginning and from the very bottom. That is the best place to start really. I needed this huge amount of suffering to realize that life is worth living. 

Expect Nothing so that you Have Everything!

Reading the title of this post probably made you go "hmm, I wonder what she means. " Let me explain. Part of what makes us depressed sometimes is that in our minds we have an idea of how something is "supposed" to be. We imagine scenarios and situations in the most perfect way possible, and when it doesn't go like we planned it to, we get horribly disappointed. One real example is my birthday this year. This is the first year where I expected NOTHING from anyone. Ever since I was a child, every single birthday has been  spent in nervous anxiety wondering when my parents would throw me a surprise party (something I've wanted desperately). This year, upon turning 20, I expected nothing at all. I don't want any presents or to do anything special. With this in mind, the simple wishes and Facebook posts I get, keeps me feeling special, without having people go out of their way to let me know that they care. Its through expecting little, that you get the most out of life.

Expectations are a great barrier sometimes between what we imagine, aspire, and dream for ourselves and the actual reality of the situation. This could work both ways, in the good and the bad. Having Social Anxiety and struggling at any event with people such as parties and get togethers, I've slowly begun to realize that part of my fear and anxieties tend to revolve around my preconceptions of how the event will go. Before I go to every volunteer opportunity, I always am a little nervous, and saying that I'm sick or backing out last minute seems really appealing. However, I keep in mind the fact that when I actually am at the event, I thoroughly enjoy myself! In the past, my initial anxieties were so great, that I would give in and avoid the social event. This way I had no contact with other people and lost out on valuable experiences that might have been really good for me. It takes practice and a tremendous amount of will and determination to get over the initial anxieties. I always view them as a hill that I have to climb, before I get the reward at the top.

Speaking of volunteering, I cannot emphasize how rewarding it really is. Volunteering at HOPE has taught me perhaps one of the most important lessons of all; life as we know it can change at any moment and at any instant. Nothing is permanent in this life and nothing will stay as it is forever. This makes me appreciate each and every single moment I am alive on this earth. Appreciating the little things, such as a beautiful sunny day, or watching the fall leaves change colour, is what leads to a happier mind and body. I could always choose to focus on the negative, and in doing so, be sad and miserable. However, focusing on the positives of each and every situation, won't make the negatives go away, but for our own peace of mind, isn't it better to focus on what we DO have, rather than that never-ending list of what we DONT?

Just something to think about!

Sorry for not writing sooner!

With all the chaos of volunteering and the summer months, I am very sorry to have not written sooner. A quick update on my summer. We went to Washington D.C, where we went to the Lincoln Memorial, saw the White House, visited the Smithsonian and saw various other attractions. Washington truly is one of the cheapest vacation cities to go to as most of the attractions don't have an entry fee. The highlights of the trip was going to the Holocaust and the Aerospace (physics nerd that I am!) Museum.

Being at the Holocaust Museum and actually seeing the stories and pictures of actual people was a very sobering effect. It was a very sad place, and I think that its good that there are places like it all around the world, in order to ensure that we NEVER EVER forget the horrors of war. There is a beautiful room at the end of the museum filled with candles that you can light for the people who died during the holocaust. I saw many Jewish school children there, and it was very inspiring to see people of such a young age, take something so seriously and to be so respectful and sincere in a place like that.  They really got the whole picture of what really happened and could understand the pain and suffering faced by the people during that time.

Other than going to Washington, I spent my summer days home eating ice-cream, barbecuing and having fun! On July 1, we went to see the Canada Day fireworks at our local park. It was an amazing experience, one that I never get tired of, year after year! Canada is truly such an amazing country and I am so fortunate to live in such a beautiful place. I am so thankful for everything this country has done for me. Especially, the health care program. In any other country, I would have been either really sick, or my parents would have been really poor in order to ensure that all the costs for my health issues were covered. I find that we take fore granted many of the things that we feel we are entitled to, like free healthcare, without realizing that in other countries, its not normal to have these privileges. Hence, I repeat, I LOVE CANADA!