Recovery...The Realistic Relevant Way

Scrolling down the news feed page of my Facebook profile, I see that one of my friends has posted yet another entry about her vacation in Europe where she is "backpacking for recovery." She has been through Credit Valley's program twice, once with me in 2013, and then again in 2015 after she was sexually assaulted at a party. Along with breathtaking pictures documenting her journey in Europe, complete with foodie experiences such as a giant chocolate covered pretzel and ice-cream, her recovery journey is documented minute by minute into what seems to be something out of a movie. 

This is great. I am happy for her. Truly. A little jealous. Well maybe a lot. Travelling to Europe in order to recover from an Eating Disorder? As romantic as that sounds, although it may work for her in the moment, how will it play out in the long run. That brings me to my next question...How can I, a young adult, not exactly the richest person on the planet, recover from this illness in a way that is realistic, lasting and most of all affordable. Let me begin with a thought experiment. Lets say that I did have a bottomless bank account. Would travelling help me to recover? Maybe. The likelihood of this being successful seems really small. 

Firstly, I know first hand how the environment we are surrounded with contribute to the manifestation and maintenance of an eating disorder. Secondly, I also know that its very easy to "recover" when life is a series of metaphorical walks on the beach. It is only when that volleyball comes out of nowhere, abruptly and painfully interrupting your stroll in the sun, that you begin to really falter and wonder if you can continue. 

Addressing my first point: Family and environment play a crucial role in eating disorders. As my psychiatrist says, when a person suffers from an eating disorder, in reality, the whole family is suffering. The person labelled with the eating disorder is just exhibiting the symptoms of maladaptive thinking and behaviours of the whole family. I can confidently say that this is the case for me. No other treatment has been more effective than when I finally agreed to involve my parents in my recovery journey. 

Secondly, treatment programs that take you away from the triggering environment seem to work. However, a person suffering from an eating disorder must learn to live in the environment and work towards changing it or changing their reactions to it because environmental factors have a huge influence on the eating disorder. 

Another breakthrough has been returning to school. I was very hesitant about going back, as it was during my first year at university that I got sick. However, last September I decided that I should give it another shot. That turned out to be the best decision I have ever made. I had forgotten how much I loved learning and using my brain in more productive ways than just counting calories. What I'm trying to say is this: Find something that you absolutely love doing that benefits you in a positive way. It could be anything: for me it was going back to school, and volunteering at my church. Start doing it, even if it doesn't immediately feel good or your eating disorder makes it hard to enjoy. I can promise you that the more you practice this, that is, doing something you are passionate about, eventually one day you will begin to get some enjoyment out of it. 

My advice to you if school or work or volunteering is too much, other things could be writing in a journal, colouring, gardening, redecorating or whatever you love doing. You will find that there will come a time where you care more about the fact that you need to finish that book or complete that drawing you were working on, rather than what you ate for lunch.  I'm not going to lie: you are still going to think about lunch. However, the duration of these thoughts slowly start to decrease. While you used to spend an hour freaking out over calories or pounds, this time shortens to 45 mins, 30, 10, and eventually just a few minutes. 

The other learning curve in my own recovery journey has been the realization of all the ways my eating disorder not only isolated me, but also made me a very self absorbed person. Because if you think about it, we eating disorder sufferers are pretty self obsessed. For some reason beyond our control, we constantly think about our flaws, our fears, and our shortcomings. So much so, that this causes us to binge (not in my case), purge, starve ourselves and worse. On the outside, it may look like we have stopped caring for ourselves. After all, we refuse to provide basic nourishment to our own bodies. However, another, more realistic way of looking at it, is that we stop caring for the people in our lives. We become so self absorbed and wrapped up in the demons that inhabit our thoughts, that we forget that other people live, breathe, and continue their lives and continue to face challenges. 

My mother's diagnosis of Stage 3, Grade 3 cancer was something that really was like the volleyball flying out of nowhere and interrupting my walk across the beach. To describe it with the same analogy I have been using, lets just say that her diagnosis hit me out of nowhere and knocked me to the ground. Suddenly I woke up, dazed and confused, wondering where I was for the last 5 years and how I ended up here in the first place. To summarize what I am trying to say, I just want to give you hope in your attempt at recovery. Even though it seems as though there is no escape from your illness, after a lot of time, therapy, patience, and hard work, continuing with life is something you learn to do once more. 

Whether you are forced to continue and persevere through it, I take comfort in the fact that whatever happens in my life is an opportunity to learn, grow, and move on. There will come a time where you will find something that matters so much to you that your eating disorder will take the back seat. Whether it is a hobby, your career, your pet, or anything that is meaningful to you. Find your friends and the reasons life is worth living to you. It may not seem as though there is anything, but it could be something as small as a snowflake, or something big, like the view from a Paris sidewalk or Swedish Alp! Whatever it is, make the best out of it! 

Christmas Check In

I know that it has been a really long time since I last wrote. A lot has happened in my life since then. My mum started her chemotherapy and I started school in September. School has been something of a revelation to me. I forgot how much I loved to learn, to devour literary works, write analytic essays on Wordsworth or even writing a few stories myself! I also took a poetry class and I actually really enjoyed it. English is my one true love and I know that I will always enjoy writing as well as reading. It was scary at first going back to UTSC. The last time I was there, I was really sick and it was horrible. I never thought that I would ever return back there again. I guess I surprised myself once again!

I have successfully completed one semester of school. I can hardly believe this! The beginning of the year I was working 30 hours a week at Starbucks, then I was hospitalized for two months and then I spent the summer in therapy. I didn't even hope to end the year off as successfully as I did. Despite all the happenings of the year, I still maintain that I am blessed and successful in both my recovery as well as my relationships with others. 

An integral part of my recovery process has been family therapy where my parents and I have learnt how to communicate and interact with each other in more effective and supportive ways. In my experience, family therapy has been revolutionary to my recovery process. Along with therapy, honesty is another big thing that I want to emphasize when it comes to recovery. I have been honest and open about what I struggle with, and doing so, has allowed me to get connected with the appropriate resources and support systems available to me. An example of this is UTSC's accessibility services. Its really important to harness all the resources and supports available to you in order to ensure an easier experience. It is also really important to not feel guilty about using them. Having a mental illness is a serious and real struggle that needs to be acknowledged and addressed.  Recognizing my weaknesses has helped me deal with situations that are challenging, such as eating out or socializing. 

Speaking of challenges, the holidays can be a really hard time for anyone who suffers from an illness, whether physical or mental. In my case, I have really high anxiety and am usually sad. However, this christmas was actually one of the best ones I have had in a long time. My mum tells me that this is because I am in a much better mental state, and I guess that is true. My favourite part of the holidays is buying presents for everyone in my family. This also makes me really anxious as I worry if they will like my presents or not! I also really enjoy baking. This year I made these amazing shortbread cookies, decorated the gingerbread house with Carissa and made an eggnog spiced cake. It was an amazing success. Everyone loved it! I will post the recipe and pics up as well. 

Every family has their own Christmas traditions, and we are no exception. On christmas eve, we usually go to church in the evening. This year we went for the evening mass at 5pm. Then we came home, ate dinner, took some pictures, and got to relax and listen to carols and the special christmas broadcast on the radio. After this, curled up in front of the tv, sipping mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallows,  our whole family watches The Polar Express. We do this every single year. It is our Highland family tradition. Then it's off to bed, but not before putting out the gingerbread house, a glass of milk and Carissa's letter to Santa. Theres gingerbread for Santa to nibble on and carrots for the reindeer! 

Christmas morning was filled with the usual excitement of unwrapping presents. Then we cleaned the house up a bit and got ready for the dinner party that we were going to have later that day. I was feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing as it was my cousins as well as our neighbours who were coming over. It was actually a really good evening. I ate my own dinner, and talked a bit with the guests. I have been making an attempt to be more social and interact with people more. However, I have also remembered to be kind to myself, as well as more patient, and accept my limitations when it comes to being social. 

The best present I had this christmas was having my mum here still with us. I have learnt to appreciate the small things, such as taking the good days and savouring the happiness of the moment. I always do a review list of the top moments of the year. These memories I turn over and over in my head, remembering them when I'm down, and even when I'm happy, since it adds to my happiness. No matter what happens, or where I am next year, I know that right now in this moment I'm happy. I try not to think too far ahead and I just enjoy each and every minute of the day to the best of my ability!

It's Back to School Time Again!

I officially start school this Thursday, September 3rd. To say I'm scared would be an understatement! I enrolled in two courses, Critical Thinking About Narrative and Critical Thinking about Poetry. I will be taking these courses at the University of Toronto Scarborough Campus, and have to finally face my fear of that place, meeting people and attending and participating in tutorials and projects. To begin with, it has been three years since I stepped onto that campus. The last time I was there, I was incredibly depressed and sick. Even though the second time I relapsed was worse than the first time (in terms of my physical condition), the first time I was hospitalized was during a time where I was severely depressed and extremely anxious.

When I hear people say that "health is a priority over everything", I challenge myself to go one step farther and elaborate on that statement. Mental health is a priority over everything. I can say that through my ordeal, it was the years of therapy and my attitude that really shaped my recovery. Through looking at my mum, who suffers from cancer, a good mental health is as essential to her recovery as chemo and radiation! Her positive attitude and perseverance is something that keeps me strong everyday. She could easily fall into a depressed state or a "what's the point" attitude. However, no matter how bleak the circumstances look, she continues to persevere with treatment. That is due to her "strong mind" and incomparable hunger to fight until the very end.

Stepping back onto that campus is going to bring back a lot of memories and flashbacks. I am ware of how emotional and scary this is. I do not have good memories of the place and I am terrified of returning. However, I know that this is something I need to change. I can't go on for the rest of my life avoiding a place. I need to keep reminding myself that it was the situation rather that the location that impacted how I felt. Through all this fear, I am happy to admit a little glimmer of excitement on meeting new people, learning new things, and really allowing myself to have a normal experience, such as going to class, instead of going to therapy, after years of illness!

I will make sure to document everything about my experience going back. I plan to go with my mum first, and walk around the campus with her. She is the only person I feel brave enough to share that experience with. I promise to take a lot of pictures and share with you every single moment of my time there. To all my readers going back to school, you're not alone... I can happily say this year that I'm going back to school too! To all of those who are suffering from an illness physical, or mental, I dedicate this post to you and promise that I think, pray and hope the best for you. This is not permanent. Life can change in marvellous wonderful ways, and a new opportunity presents itself when you least expect it! I know that you might be scared and nervous about going back, or even not going back. I say "I hear you. I feel your anxiety. You are not alone."

Self Awareness

Many times we are told by our loved ones or friends, "be kind to yourself." However, many of us don't actually know how to do this. I can say from experience, that I am my harshest critic. I am very impatient when it comes to my recovery, and I want things to happen quickly. I often act impulsively and make questionable decisions. Today I am going to reflect on the term "Self Awareness." In order to have self compassion, I think that one has to be aware of oneself- that is, I need to be self-aware in order to be self-compassionate. Self awareness is simply being aware of ones traits, feelings, and behaviours.

There are many factors that make us who we are. One that we absolutely do not have any control over is our inherited genetics- this is controlled solely by nature. This effects how we appear, our temperament/personality, and our vulnerability to certain illnesses and diseases. The second one is our environment- this is the "nurture" part, for those of you who are interested in the "nature vs. nurture" debate.  Our environment includes our family (they shape our beliefs, values, ethics etc.), the time period we live in (gender roles, war, depression etc), our learning and education, work relationships, skill development and trauma (through abuse, loss, accidents etc).

Something very important to remember however, is that whether our symptoms are hereditary or effected by environment, we have a choice. Our symptoms and our illness don't make us who we are. When I see myself, I don't see myself as "Cassy, the anorexic."  Rather I see myself as "Cassy, who is suffering from anorexia," The key difference between those two sentences is that in the second statement I am a person separate from my illness, whereas the first statement defines me as my illness. This can often cause us to forget who we really are. The choices we make are based on the consequences of our decisions, experience, knowledge, and the advantages and disadvantages of making a decision.

I can choose to be defined by my illness, however, I choose not to. When defining myself, I focus on the facts, and that makes it easier to stay away from being too judgemental or critical of myself. When being self aware, I can focus on three areas:

• My Heredity- how I was made (physical characteristics, traits, tendencies etc)
• Environment- where I grew up, when I grew up, what I learned, how I grew up (values)
• My Choices- the positive and negative choices I make

These three areas come together and all play an equal role to form who I am as a person. Being more self-aware has taught me that even though there are predispositions and factors out of my control (like genes and environment), there are other things that are in my control. Those are the choices I make and the way I view and react to situations. Something I hope that you get out of today's post is realizing that no matter what happened to you in the past, or the environment you're currently in, you have a choice! You can choose to stay stuck or you can choose to let it go. I know its easier said than done, and I'm telling you from experience, it takes a lot of practice and learning to do this. I think the biggest thing I want to emphasize to my readers is that in order to make a change, to stop the same cycle we're stuck in, we need to first be aware of exactly what the issue is.

Below are some helpful self-reflection sentence starters that can help clear the muddled thoughts that sometimes run through our heads. I strongly advise using these headings and journaling about them.

• If I could go on a trip tomorrow, I would go...
• If I could be any animal in the world, I would be...
• I am proudest of myself when...
• My happiest moment was when...
• The thing I look forward to the most is...
• If I could change one thing in my life, it would be...
• The thing that makes me angriest is...
• My biggest fear is...
• My saddest moment was when...
• I feel really bad about myself when...
• The hardest thing I deal with at home is...
• The most important thing I want people to know about me is...

A Few of my Favourite breakfasts!

Breakfast is my favourite meal of the day. If I could, breakfast foods would appear at every meal!

Today I had one of my favourite breakfasts: half of a whole wheat toasted bagel (toasted until golden brown and crispy, yet amazingly chewy inside!)

a nice thick layer of quark (like cream cheese but 99% less fat)

and a boiled egg on top, the white soft, yet not rubbery, and the rich, buttery yolk included! (for a long time, the yolks scared me, however, I learnt that when you eat only the whites of the egg, your body absorbs it as it would a carbohydrate. Besides, the yolk is both delicious and amazing for you!)

Another one of my favourite breakfasts are pancakes! And these ones are super healthy and easy to make. All it takes is 1/4 cup of this amazing high fibre, whole grain pancake mix, an egg, a splash of water, and some cinnamon and nutmeg to make fluffy golden and beautiful pancakes. This recipe gives you two really well sized pancakes!

BRIDGE

I was recommended by my psychiatrist to join  a group program called "BRIDGE" which stands for:

B - Building - What am I building?

R - Recovering - What am I recovering from?

I - Initiating - What do I need to start doing? 

D - Developing - What do I need to develop?

G - Growing - What is important for me to learn?

E - Empowering - Why is it important for me to be recovered?


I was initially very hesitant about this. My past experiences in group therapy, specifically catered to eating disorder recovery, had proven unsuccessful. I relapsed after my first time, and quit during the fourth week of my second time. However, BRIDGE was a completely new and totally beneficial program in terms of my recovery. It encourages and supports its clients to re-engage and rebuild their lives after a psychiatric hospitalization, or anyone in need of support.

I am very excited to share with my readers everything I've learnt, and also include daily activities and exercises that I find beneficial and helpful towards my recovery. The wonderful thing about this is that it can be catered to fit your needs, and is not specifically for someone with an eating disorder.

Before joining the group, I had to make a list of goals that I had for myself. If it helps, try to figure out your motivations for recovery using this acronym as a backbone. I can show you my example below:

B - Building: What am I building?

• Routine- having a sense of purpose and somewhere to go/ be everyday
• Social skills- developing new relationships and improving social interactions
• Self-Confidence- learning to avoid negative self-talk skills. 

R - Recovering: What am I recovering from?

• Anorexia
• Depression
• Anxiety
• OCD

I - Initiating: What do I need to start doing?

• Going to BRIDGE everyday (or if not in a group program, reading and doing a CBT activity or worksheet everyday)
• Sticking to my meal plan
• Being open to new ideas/opinions/relationships with others

D - Developing: What do I need to develop?

• Assertiveness
• Effective Communication
• Distress Tolerance Skills

G - Growing:  What is important for me to learn?

• To love myself because of my personality/relationships/achievements rather than because of my physical appearance
• I am worth all the hard work and effort that it takes to recover from my eating disorder

E - Empowering: Why is it important for me to be recovered?

• I want to start living my life to the fullest 

In previous posts, I have mentioned my health care team at Markham Stouffville Hospital. Today I want to recognize them and dedicate a post specifically to the amazing services they provide. I think that we are lucky enough to live in a country that has such a vast plethora of resources that we can use when it comes to both our physical and mental health. To not take advantage of this, would be a great loss for many people. Services such as those offered by the hospital, are available to everyone, and are generalized to service different needs and illnesses. 

If you are unable or hesitant to access resources, I encourage you to keep reading as I update my posts daily. I promise to convey everything I learn onto you so that you may reap from the benefits without having to go anywhere. I also would love to know if what I post is helpful or not, and if you are able to utilize these skills in a positive way to enhance your quality of life. 

My Mom

My Life, my Love and the Driving Force of my Recovery

Exactly 24 hours after I posted my last entry, I found out that my mother was diagnosed with stage 2 aggressive breast cancer. I am devastated. To give you a better idea of how important my mum is to me, let me start of by saying that when I first went into Credit Valley, the only reason I went was because of my mom. When I admitted myself into hospital the second time, and was put on a tube, the only person I wanted more than anyone else was my mom. She is the one who came to me as soon as I called her; stayed with me until late at night, and with shaking hands, fed me soup because I was too weak to eat it by myself. She is the person who will drop whatever she is doing to come home and comfort me because I am having a meltdown over guests at my house. She is the person who tells me that I am good enough each and everyday and sets the best example of what unconditional love really is by loving me every single day.

My mum is my everything. Without her, my world would stop spinning. The pain I feel from what she has to go through tomorrow (a mastectomy and then chemotherapy for an unknown period of time) cripples me and stuns me into a confused state of mind. For the first time in a very very long time, I couldn't care less about Anna, my weight or, myself. I am not the priority, I am no longer the sick one, and it is my turn to help her and be strong for her in her time of need.

One way of looking at this, is to say, that I have been tested by fate too much. This is too hard and this is why I can stop trying. However, I see this diagnosis as one of the most eyeopening events in my recovery journey. Having an eating disorder, Anna tricked me into thinking that I has a sense of control over everything that went on in my life. As long as I controlled my food and weight, I also controlled my relationships with family, friends, as well as my emotions. Having an eating disorder gave me an escape from facing the normal, day-to-day struggles and pains of real life.

Today, I am writing this post, because I had a revolutionary realization; that although Anna thought she was in control by constantly keeping me engaged in my eating disorder behaviours, life is really not in my control. Even though I have an eating disorder, my mum still got cancer, just like even though I have an eating disorder, time still passes and the seasons keep changing as they're supposed to. This is not about Anna, depression, anxiety, or mental illness; its the fact that I have mental illness along with the realities and hardships of life. As the saying goes, "time and tide waits for no one."  Having anorexia hasn't protected me from pain, as I thought it initially would. I think have anorexia, has made me feel a much higher degree of pain instead. I wish that I had friends and people that I could share my feelings and fears with, yet because of my illness I have no friends. It breaks my heart that I haven't eaten anything my mum has cooked for me in almost 3 years. I am so sad that I missed out on all the times where I could have cooked and had a meal with her.

I am sad that I am not the daughter I should have been. That I' m not strong enough to face this situation or be of comfort to my two younger sisters. It breaks my heart that in a time when my mum is most  vulnerable, all she worries about is me, rather than her own health. I also feel guilty for all the anger I feel inside me; I know its normal to be angry, yet, now it pains me so much to be around her or talk to her or even look at her. I know this is my way of coping. My way of pushing and distancing myself away from those that I love to help numb a bit of the pain.

For the first time in my life, I am imagining a world without my mother in it, and that is a world I am very scared to be in. I think this is my ultimate test of strength, the final point, the maximum I can be pushed. I am not saying that its fair, yet this is the situation and I have nothing to do but accept it. Anna can very easily take over entirely right now, yet, I'm beginning to realize that even if she does, it'll just be one more thing that I have lost power and influence over. This could be my easy excuse; "I relapsed because my mum has cancer", yet, now that I think about it, relapsing would be the most destructive thing I could do to myself and to my mother, and also incredibly selfish. Lastly, this has made me feel very depressed and hopeless. I no longer want to go to school, to get better, to even wake up in the morning. Yet, the strong part of me, and I'm beginning to realize, the voice in my head that sounds a lot like my mom's, gently urges me on, to continue doing things and living and breathing. This part of me wants to get better so desperately that I can make my mum proud. I wouldn't mind 10 years of mental anguish from Anna, for 1 second of happiness with my mum.

I think I am at a very important crossroads at my recovery; it could go either way. I could relapse and be sick all over again, or I could do something even harder, stay healthy and be there for my mum. Both decisions have their appeals and their repellants, yet, this is a decision that I alone can make. Even though everything seems to be spinning uncontrollably, I have never felt more in tune and in power over myself than I do now. Inside, I am fighting a really hard battle; not only do I have to deal with the feelings I have of my mom's diagnosis, I also have to fight for my own recovery and survival. I hope that by writing this post, you have an idea of how easy it is to get so caught up in your ED, that you lose sight of what really matters in your life. I also hope you realize that you are stronger than most people, because while others battle the opponent with both hands and feet , you only have half of your limbs and your opponent is double your size. Give yourself the compassion, love and kindness you deserve. Realize how hard it is for you, and that it is okay to cry, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to feel.

I am going to end my post by saying once again, how much I love my mum. I never thought it was capable to love someone else so completely, and so unconditionally. I never thought that I could ever be capable or vulnerable enough to love someone this way. My mum is my beacon of light, and in many ways, the one thing that inspires me everyday to work hard, eat my meals, and be the best person I can be. Whenever you face a hard time, think of that one person in the world that you would readily take a bullet for. Think of that person every time you eat or do something to help you in your recovery. I know that from now on, I will always keep my mum in my mind, and try my best to be strong for her in her time of need. I love you mom, and I hope to make you proud!