Reading the title of this post probably made you go "hmm, I wonder what she means. " Let me explain. Part of what makes us depressed sometimes is that in our minds we have an idea of how something is "supposed" to be. We imagine scenarios and situations in the most perfect way possible, and when it doesn't go like we planned it to, we get horribly disappointed. One real example is my birthday this year. This is the first year where I expected NOTHING from anyone. Ever since I was a child, every single birthday has been spent in nervous anxiety wondering when my parents would throw me a surprise party (something I've wanted desperately). This year, upon turning 20, I expected nothing at all. I don't want any presents or to do anything special. With this in mind, the simple wishes and Facebook posts I get, keeps me feeling special, without having people go out of their way to let me know that they care. Its through expecting little, that you get the most out of life.
Expectations are a great barrier sometimes between what we imagine, aspire, and dream for ourselves and the actual reality of the situation. This could work both ways, in the good and the bad. Having Social Anxiety and struggling at any event with people such as parties and get togethers, I've slowly begun to realize that part of my fear and anxieties tend to revolve around my preconceptions of how the event will go. Before I go to every volunteer opportunity, I always am a little nervous, and saying that I'm sick or backing out last minute seems really appealing. However, I keep in mind the fact that when I actually am at the event, I thoroughly enjoy myself! In the past, my initial anxieties were so great, that I would give in and avoid the social event. This way I had no contact with other people and lost out on valuable experiences that might have been really good for me. It takes practice and a tremendous amount of will and determination to get over the initial anxieties. I always view them as a hill that I have to climb, before I get the reward at the top.
Speaking of volunteering, I cannot emphasize how rewarding it really is. Volunteering at HOPE has taught me perhaps one of the most important lessons of all; life as we know it can change at any moment and at any instant. Nothing is permanent in this life and nothing will stay as it is forever. This makes me appreciate each and every single moment I am alive on this earth. Appreciating the little things, such as a beautiful sunny day, or watching the fall leaves change colour, is what leads to a happier mind and body. I could always choose to focus on the negative, and in doing so, be sad and miserable. However, focusing on the positives of each and every situation, won't make the negatives go away, but for our own peace of mind, isn't it better to focus on what we DO have, rather than that never-ending list of what we DONT?
Just something to think about!
Tuesday, 7 October 2014
Monday, 6 October 2014
Sorry for not writing sooner!
With all the chaos of volunteering and the summer months, I am very sorry to have not written sooner. A quick update on my summer. We went to Washington D.C, where we went to the Lincoln Memorial, saw the White House, visited the Smithsonian and saw various other attractions. Washington truly is one of the cheapest vacation cities to go to as most of the attractions don't have an entry fee. The highlights of the trip was going to the Holocaust and the Aerospace (physics nerd that I am!) Museum.
Being at the Holocaust Museum and actually seeing the stories and pictures of actual people was a very sobering effect. It was a very sad place, and I think that its good that there are places like it all around the world, in order to ensure that we NEVER EVER forget the horrors of war. There is a beautiful room at the end of the museum filled with candles that you can light for the people who died during the holocaust. I saw many Jewish school children there, and it was very inspiring to see people of such a young age, take something so seriously and to be so respectful and sincere in a place like that. They really got the whole picture of what really happened and could understand the pain and suffering faced by the people during that time.
Other than going to Washington, I spent my summer days home eating ice-cream, barbecuing and having fun! On July 1, we went to see the Canada Day fireworks at our local park. It was an amazing experience, one that I never get tired of, year after year! Canada is truly such an amazing country and I am so fortunate to live in such a beautiful place. I am so thankful for everything this country has done for me. Especially, the health care program. In any other country, I would have been either really sick, or my parents would have been really poor in order to ensure that all the costs for my health issues were covered. I find that we take fore granted many of the things that we feel we are entitled to, like free healthcare, without realizing that in other countries, its not normal to have these privileges. Hence, I repeat, I LOVE CANADA!
Being at the Holocaust Museum and actually seeing the stories and pictures of actual people was a very sobering effect. It was a very sad place, and I think that its good that there are places like it all around the world, in order to ensure that we NEVER EVER forget the horrors of war. There is a beautiful room at the end of the museum filled with candles that you can light for the people who died during the holocaust. I saw many Jewish school children there, and it was very inspiring to see people of such a young age, take something so seriously and to be so respectful and sincere in a place like that. They really got the whole picture of what really happened and could understand the pain and suffering faced by the people during that time.
Other than going to Washington, I spent my summer days home eating ice-cream, barbecuing and having fun! On July 1, we went to see the Canada Day fireworks at our local park. It was an amazing experience, one that I never get tired of, year after year! Canada is truly such an amazing country and I am so fortunate to live in such a beautiful place. I am so thankful for everything this country has done for me. Especially, the health care program. In any other country, I would have been either really sick, or my parents would have been really poor in order to ensure that all the costs for my health issues were covered. I find that we take fore granted many of the things that we feel we are entitled to, like free healthcare, without realizing that in other countries, its not normal to have these privileges. Hence, I repeat, I LOVE CANADA!
Thursday, 29 May 2014
Helping Other People Everyday (H.O.P.E)
Hey Readers!
Just checking in from another day filled to the brim with volunteer duties. Today was the H.O.P.E ministry's post-funeral luncheon. To put it simply, this organization provides a free lunch after a funeral occurs at the Parish. I got there early today (9am) and we started setting up for the reception.
We had to organize cups, napkins, make coffee etc. People who are part of this ministry, as well as the family of the deceased, provided the food.
On the luncheon menu, were sandwiches (egg, salmon, tuna, and roast beef), some from the Pickle Barrel, and others homemade.
There were 200 people expected so the tables were simply piled with food!
The deceased was an older gentleman, with 6 kids, and 14 grandchildren, who used to be a doctor and lived in Swan Lake, a retirement residence in our city.
Many of his friends, family, and patients were there for the funeral mass. He was to be cremated, so after the service, his casket got taken back to the funeral home, while his family and friends stayed to celebrate and share stories of his life. It was a beautiful service and I really enjoyed myself!
Just checking in from another day filled to the brim with volunteer duties. Today was the H.O.P.E ministry's post-funeral luncheon. To put it simply, this organization provides a free lunch after a funeral occurs at the Parish. I got there early today (9am) and we started setting up for the reception.
We had to organize cups, napkins, make coffee etc. People who are part of this ministry, as well as the family of the deceased, provided the food.
On the luncheon menu, were sandwiches (egg, salmon, tuna, and roast beef), some from the Pickle Barrel, and others homemade.
A large assortment of baked goods such as these decadent, chewy, chocolate fudge brownies
Dense and chewy coconut macaroons
Loaf cakes (golden, lemon, honey sponge (my faves!) and marble flavoured)
These lemon and raspberry tarts, almost too cute to eat.. I said almost..!
Pecan, coconut, peanut butter oatmeal, lemon treacle, and date squares
Two enormous trays of fruits and veggies with dip
Cookies of various kinds (pecan, ice box sugar, chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin)
And since they were of Japanese origin, the meal wasn't complete without some sushi!
There were 200 people expected so the tables were simply piled with food!
The deceased was an older gentleman, with 6 kids, and 14 grandchildren, who used to be a doctor and lived in Swan Lake, a retirement residence in our city.
Many of his friends, family, and patients were there for the funeral mass. He was to be cremated, so after the service, his casket got taken back to the funeral home, while his family and friends stayed to celebrate and share stories of his life. It was a beautiful service and I really enjoyed myself!
Monday, 26 May 2014
Working with Seniors...An afternoon of Sandwiches and Bingo!
It was an amazing success! Today was the Senior Social at the church. I left late in the morning (needed to get bloodworm and an ECG done!), and after had lunch at Tims (homestyle bun with deli meats) and then went over to the church. Once I got there, I helped out with handing out name tags, and then went into the church for the short mass.
The seniors were the simply amazing! Something that always blows my mind away when I see any senior person, is the fact that, yes, there is a circle of life. To watch how similar seniors are to children, vulnerable, fragile and in need of special care and attention, simply fills me with awe. Since I love working with children so much, I should have known that I would really enjoy working with seniors also!
After mass, everyone was ushered into the main hall, where they were served coffee, tea and "finger sandwiches" (egg, salmon, and tuna salad on whole wheat bread...simple and yummy)! Then we cleared the tables, and brought out the dessert trays. There were a variety of different loaf cakes, mini dessert trays filled with lemon squares, small cinnamon buns, coffee cake, and tarts of various flavours.
Once the tables were cleared once again, we gave out bingo cards and they played bingo for the rest of the afternoon! While leaving, they had an opportunity to grab a book or two to read at home, wherever home is (retirement home, hospice, or private home).
Overall it was an amazing experience and I am so glad I did it!
The seniors were the simply amazing! Something that always blows my mind away when I see any senior person, is the fact that, yes, there is a circle of life. To watch how similar seniors are to children, vulnerable, fragile and in need of special care and attention, simply fills me with awe. Since I love working with children so much, I should have known that I would really enjoy working with seniors also!
After mass, everyone was ushered into the main hall, where they were served coffee, tea and "finger sandwiches" (egg, salmon, and tuna salad on whole wheat bread...simple and yummy)! Then we cleared the tables, and brought out the dessert trays. There were a variety of different loaf cakes, mini dessert trays filled with lemon squares, small cinnamon buns, coffee cake, and tarts of various flavours.
Once the tables were cleared once again, we gave out bingo cards and they played bingo for the rest of the afternoon! While leaving, they had an opportunity to grab a book or two to read at home, wherever home is (retirement home, hospice, or private home).
Overall it was an amazing experience and I am so glad I did it!
Saturday, 24 May 2014
Volunteer Work...Something to consider!
Something I have been really excited about is volunteering. As I am currently out of school, and still not healthy enough to work, I decided to volunteer as a way of keeping busy. Now that its summer, its really easy to find many opportunities where I can donate my time and efforts to. Before I began, I made sure that I knew what I could handle and what I could not. I still get really high anxiety being out of the house past 4pm. This is because in my university days, I had to go to class in the evenings, and I have really bad memories associated with these times. Coincidentally, it was winter at that time, and I just have memories of shivering in my emaciated body waiting for the bus. I can only describe the feeling as J.K Rowling described the dementors:
“An intense cold swept over them all. Harry felt his own breath catch in his chest. The cold went deeper than his skin. It was inside his chest, it was inside his very heart. . . ."
Being underweight allows you to experience a whole new level of what cold is. I can tell you here and now that one of my biggest motivations to recover from anorexia is so that I will never feel that cold ever again! I will never forget it and will never wish it upon anybody. It is the worst feeling there is.
Anyways, (I know I tend to stray of topic!), back to volunteering. I knew that I could handle any task that would get me home before 4pm. For example, there was a group of women who go down to the Good Shepherd Soup Kitchen every second Thursday of the month. It is from 1pm-6pm. As therapeutic as feeding starving souls sounds, I knew I couldn't handle that right now, and I think one of the bravest and best things you can do for yourself, is to know just how much you can take on and that its ok if you can't do certain things. I volunteer through my church (I'm not at all religious btw, its just that the church had many opportunities available and it was easy to get the forms and things done as it is close to home and I can handle that!).
So far I have volunteered for 3 different "ministries", or volunteer positions. The first one; and this involves my whole family (can I just say that volunteering with your mum and dad takes family bonding to a whole new and awesome level. With eating disorders, its hard to do things like having dinner with the family or going to restaurants with them. Volunteering provides a way to socially interact with people, while bonding with your family, and at the same time skip the awkward eating parts!) This ministry is called "Coffee Sunday". Basically, after the 9:30 am mass, we serve coffee and cookies to the parish members. Its a great way to meet and talk to people, and you're not pressurized into eating anything, because of course you can use my go-to perfect excuse: "Oh I just had breakfast and I'm stuffed"...(Pat your belly for added emphasis! LOL ) Last Sunday was the first time my family did it, and we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! We have now been assigned the first and third Sundays of the month to volunteer for this ministry.
The next one, that's coming up this Monday, is the "Senior Social". Basically, its a little gathering of all the old folks in our church, and they come together and "party it up"... with bingo and prayer services of course! I have to and help with serving refreshments, handing out name tags, helping with bingo etc. It's from 1:30 to 3:30, (I can handle that), and I actually am really looking forward to it. I've worked with people of all ages, however, I've never worked with seniors before! Its going to be a new, and hopefully, rewarding experience.
The third ministry I'm involved with is called H.O.P.E- Helping Other People Everyday. Basically, they provide free post-funeral lunches for the mourners. I have to help set up and facilitate the whole event. THAT I'm super excited for! The last thing on my schedule right now, is baking cupcakes for Pentecost Sunday (June 8th), which happens to be the birthday of our church. Now this is something I can hardly wait to do!
Notice something dear reader. All these things, they give me an excuse to wake up, and go through the motions of daily life. When I'm struggling and really wanting to restrict, I keep a reminder of what I have to do, in order to help me get through the moment. It takes away all the attention from Anna, and focuses it on something else. It really is exhausting to devote every waking hour to Anna and what she wants. By keeping busy, and by setting these small goals for yourself, it makes everything so much easier! It gives you a reason for waking up in the morning and getting out of bed.
I hope that by reading this, you can be inspired to go find something you are passionate about, and engage in that activity, whatever it may be. Something outside your eating disorder. When you find it, and I promise you that this is true dear reader, it gives you something worth fighting for. In the end, you know that you are fighting, rather that an ally of Anna's. She is a crafty manipulative bitch who cannot be trusted. Therefore, divert at least 10% of your energy from her. At first it will be hard. And then, as practice indeed does make perfect, it will get easier and easier. Good luck finding your passion! All you need to do is look within you to find it...because at the end of the day, you are fucking amazing! And you are worth it. And even though I don't know you, I know exactly what you're feeling. I've been there and I've done that. And I really hope you know that you are not alone!
“An intense cold swept over them all. Harry felt his own breath catch in his chest. The cold went deeper than his skin. It was inside his chest, it was inside his very heart. . . ."
Being underweight allows you to experience a whole new level of what cold is. I can tell you here and now that one of my biggest motivations to recover from anorexia is so that I will never feel that cold ever again! I will never forget it and will never wish it upon anybody. It is the worst feeling there is.
Anyways, (I know I tend to stray of topic!), back to volunteering. I knew that I could handle any task that would get me home before 4pm. For example, there was a group of women who go down to the Good Shepherd Soup Kitchen every second Thursday of the month. It is from 1pm-6pm. As therapeutic as feeding starving souls sounds, I knew I couldn't handle that right now, and I think one of the bravest and best things you can do for yourself, is to know just how much you can take on and that its ok if you can't do certain things. I volunteer through my church (I'm not at all religious btw, its just that the church had many opportunities available and it was easy to get the forms and things done as it is close to home and I can handle that!).
So far I have volunteered for 3 different "ministries", or volunteer positions. The first one; and this involves my whole family (can I just say that volunteering with your mum and dad takes family bonding to a whole new and awesome level. With eating disorders, its hard to do things like having dinner with the family or going to restaurants with them. Volunteering provides a way to socially interact with people, while bonding with your family, and at the same time skip the awkward eating parts!) This ministry is called "Coffee Sunday". Basically, after the 9:30 am mass, we serve coffee and cookies to the parish members. Its a great way to meet and talk to people, and you're not pressurized into eating anything, because of course you can use my go-to perfect excuse: "Oh I just had breakfast and I'm stuffed"...(Pat your belly for added emphasis! LOL ) Last Sunday was the first time my family did it, and we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! We have now been assigned the first and third Sundays of the month to volunteer for this ministry.
The next one, that's coming up this Monday, is the "Senior Social". Basically, its a little gathering of all the old folks in our church, and they come together and "party it up"... with bingo and prayer services of course! I have to and help with serving refreshments, handing out name tags, helping with bingo etc. It's from 1:30 to 3:30, (I can handle that), and I actually am really looking forward to it. I've worked with people of all ages, however, I've never worked with seniors before! Its going to be a new, and hopefully, rewarding experience.
The third ministry I'm involved with is called H.O.P.E- Helping Other People Everyday. Basically, they provide free post-funeral lunches for the mourners. I have to help set up and facilitate the whole event. THAT I'm super excited for! The last thing on my schedule right now, is baking cupcakes for Pentecost Sunday (June 8th), which happens to be the birthday of our church. Now this is something I can hardly wait to do!
Notice something dear reader. All these things, they give me an excuse to wake up, and go through the motions of daily life. When I'm struggling and really wanting to restrict, I keep a reminder of what I have to do, in order to help me get through the moment. It takes away all the attention from Anna, and focuses it on something else. It really is exhausting to devote every waking hour to Anna and what she wants. By keeping busy, and by setting these small goals for yourself, it makes everything so much easier! It gives you a reason for waking up in the morning and getting out of bed.
I hope that by reading this, you can be inspired to go find something you are passionate about, and engage in that activity, whatever it may be. Something outside your eating disorder. When you find it, and I promise you that this is true dear reader, it gives you something worth fighting for. In the end, you know that you are fighting, rather that an ally of Anna's. She is a crafty manipulative bitch who cannot be trusted. Therefore, divert at least 10% of your energy from her. At first it will be hard. And then, as practice indeed does make perfect, it will get easier and easier. Good luck finding your passion! All you need to do is look within you to find it...because at the end of the day, you are fucking amazing! And you are worth it. And even though I don't know you, I know exactly what you're feeling. I've been there and I've done that. And I really hope you know that you are not alone!
Art Therapy Examples
Some examples of my work (and fair warning, I suck at art!):
To keep me grounded and to remind me why I want to recover:
Positive Self-Affirmations:
A Mandala in which the quote at the end of this post is written:
"By starving yourself, you feed your inner demon"
Inspiring Quotes:
A Recovery Wall
A reminder that Anorexia is an unhealthy way of dealing with unpleasant feelings, kind of like an alcoholic who drinks to "drown his/her sorrows."
Art Therapy, Treatment, and other helpful coping methods!
Hey readers!
I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. I've been so busy lately. Let's give you an update of everything that's going on right now. Well, lets get back to basics- my physical and mental health. I saw my doc about a month ago. He reduced my medications, which I thought was awesome at the time, yet now I am really reconsidering it. I also meet with my family doc at least once every two weeks to do blood work, ECGs and weigh ins. My weight has not changed much, it actually dropped a bit from one weekend when I was really sick. I needed to find a way to gain it back, and I got an amazing idea from my family doc about how I could do so.
Basically, you increase your caloric intake by really small amounts. This could be as little as 5, 10, 25 , or 50 calories a day. This increase will make minimal changes to your weight (especially if you are active). You increase your weight at a pace that you alone are comfortable with. I feel like this could really work, because when I was in treatment, we got a 300 calorie per day increase each week if we didn't gain the required amount (1-2kg). This method was just terrifying and horrific. Before you knew what hit you, you're at a "normal" weight. Yet, the long term prognosis is that if you are not ready to be a certain weight, you cannot recover. This comes from my own personal experience.
At Credit Valley, they drugged us and bubble-wrapped us so much, that when I was discharged and life actually hit me in the face, with all its responsibilities and triggers, I couldn't deal. That's the reality of treatment. I don't want to crush all your hopes and dreams about going into treatment, however, I want to make it very clear that you don't go into treatment, and get "fixed". That's just not how it works. What going into treatment entails is learning enough coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness, emotion vs. wise mind, and many other DBT and CBT skills to get you through the day.
I still live some days where I wake up and basically do things in an automated way, because mentally, I'm too tired from Anna bitching at me. Those are the days where I literally have to break down simple tasks into steps in order to ensure I don't go batshit crazy! Those days feel like this: Wake up, Breathe, Eat, Survive until the end of the day when I can take my meds and go back to bed.
Other days, things are a little easier. When you slowly start replacing the thoughts Anna puts into your head with other things, you tend to feel much better! For example, something I do when I am in a really bad place is art therapy. I cannot emphasize how much this helps. Here's an example:
Anna is bitching at me because I ate 50 extra calories :
First, I acknowledge the fact that she's pissed.
Then I acknowledge the fact that it is ANNA, not myself, who is angry.
I know that my body needs as many nutrients as it can get (that's my wise mind speaking!).
Then I recognize the thoughts that keep popping up in my head. I go over to my pintrest page, and click on this board:
http://www.pinterest.com/cassyhighland/anorexia-recovery-aids/
I just scroll down the page. Grab a couple of markers, some paper, colour pencils and funky pens, and start "artistically" writing out the quotes on a paper and for every thought that Anna has, I replace, with one of these quotes. It really distracts you and keeps your mind off the noise of Anna's bitching. My room is filled with posters that I've made, and Mandalas (another miracle to distract you from Anna) and inspiring quotes. This is just something I do to help calm me down. It is one of the most therapeutic things!
Another thing I do, is I write down every thought that Anna has on half of a piece of paper. I mark one side "What Anna Thinks", and the other "What I KNOW". For every horrible or nasty thought she puts in my mind, on the opposite side I write something to argue back. This proves to yourself that you do have a voice and you do get to be heard. It's a way to take back a little control over the noise that's in your head!
Lastly, the most important thing I've realized....ANNA IS AN UGLY EGOTISTICAL SELF ABSORBED BITCH! She is not my friend. She is the devil that lives inside me. I'm going to end this post with an inspiring quote I found:
"By starving yourself, you feed your inner demon"
Just something to think about!
I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. I've been so busy lately. Let's give you an update of everything that's going on right now. Well, lets get back to basics- my physical and mental health. I saw my doc about a month ago. He reduced my medications, which I thought was awesome at the time, yet now I am really reconsidering it. I also meet with my family doc at least once every two weeks to do blood work, ECGs and weigh ins. My weight has not changed much, it actually dropped a bit from one weekend when I was really sick. I needed to find a way to gain it back, and I got an amazing idea from my family doc about how I could do so.
Basically, you increase your caloric intake by really small amounts. This could be as little as 5, 10, 25 , or 50 calories a day. This increase will make minimal changes to your weight (especially if you are active). You increase your weight at a pace that you alone are comfortable with. I feel like this could really work, because when I was in treatment, we got a 300 calorie per day increase each week if we didn't gain the required amount (1-2kg). This method was just terrifying and horrific. Before you knew what hit you, you're at a "normal" weight. Yet, the long term prognosis is that if you are not ready to be a certain weight, you cannot recover. This comes from my own personal experience.
At Credit Valley, they drugged us and bubble-wrapped us so much, that when I was discharged and life actually hit me in the face, with all its responsibilities and triggers, I couldn't deal. That's the reality of treatment. I don't want to crush all your hopes and dreams about going into treatment, however, I want to make it very clear that you don't go into treatment, and get "fixed". That's just not how it works. What going into treatment entails is learning enough coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness, emotion vs. wise mind, and many other DBT and CBT skills to get you through the day.
I still live some days where I wake up and basically do things in an automated way, because mentally, I'm too tired from Anna bitching at me. Those are the days where I literally have to break down simple tasks into steps in order to ensure I don't go batshit crazy! Those days feel like this: Wake up, Breathe, Eat, Survive until the end of the day when I can take my meds and go back to bed.
Other days, things are a little easier. When you slowly start replacing the thoughts Anna puts into your head with other things, you tend to feel much better! For example, something I do when I am in a really bad place is art therapy. I cannot emphasize how much this helps. Here's an example:
Anna is bitching at me because I ate 50 extra calories :
First, I acknowledge the fact that she's pissed.
Then I acknowledge the fact that it is ANNA, not myself, who is angry.
I know that my body needs as many nutrients as it can get (that's my wise mind speaking!).
Then I recognize the thoughts that keep popping up in my head. I go over to my pintrest page, and click on this board:
http://www.pinterest.com/cassyhighland/anorexia-recovery-aids/
I just scroll down the page. Grab a couple of markers, some paper, colour pencils and funky pens, and start "artistically" writing out the quotes on a paper and for every thought that Anna has, I replace, with one of these quotes. It really distracts you and keeps your mind off the noise of Anna's bitching. My room is filled with posters that I've made, and Mandalas (another miracle to distract you from Anna) and inspiring quotes. This is just something I do to help calm me down. It is one of the most therapeutic things!
Another thing I do, is I write down every thought that Anna has on half of a piece of paper. I mark one side "What Anna Thinks", and the other "What I KNOW". For every horrible or nasty thought she puts in my mind, on the opposite side I write something to argue back. This proves to yourself that you do have a voice and you do get to be heard. It's a way to take back a little control over the noise that's in your head!
Lastly, the most important thing I've realized....ANNA IS AN UGLY EGOTISTICAL SELF ABSORBED BITCH! She is not my friend. She is the devil that lives inside me. I'm going to end this post with an inspiring quote I found:
"By starving yourself, you feed your inner demon"
Just something to think about!
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